Dr. Phil | Club Random with Bill Maher
Your past doesn't define your runway; it's all about the path ahead.
Having confidence that I am safe at home is one of my biggest priorities. With fast protect monitoring and lifeguard protection, Simply Safe agents can act within 5 seconds of receiving your alarm. They can even see and speak to intruders to stop them in their tracks. Protect your home with 50% off a new Simply Safe system plus a free indoor security camera when you sign up for fast protect monitoring. Just visit simply.com/random, that's simply.com/random.
This episode is brought to you by IR Restore, the clinically proven game-changing hair growth device that's here to help you turn back the clock on hair loss. It's the most non-invasive, pain-free, and drug-free way to bring your hair back to life. Backed by real science, for a limited time only, our listeners get $600 off their order when you use code random at irorlaser.com. That's $600 off your order at irorlaser.com with promo code random.
I've been a pilot all my life, and the one thing you can't use is runway behind you; it's only runway ahead of you. It's a very good analogy. If you've got idiots out there that aren't putting America first, I don't care if they're Republican or Democrat; we got to kick their ass to the curb.
Sorry, what's up, man? I'll take... you know, I just ran from my... oh, take your time. I'm doing a double shift today, but for you, I normally would never do this, but we can do this now. You look thin. Yeah, you look great! I feel good. What are you doing? Yeah, no, what are you doing to look good and feel good? I'm working my dead ass off. You look really... you look swell.
Yeah, I've been working out really hard. Oh, come on, Ser. No, but I mean, I can't be the first one to have noticed this. Well, I'll be... look like you lost, I don't know, 20 lbs since the last time you were here. Yeah, I might have. I don't remember what I was weighing or anything about it, but that's... you see, I was stoned.
And I know you don't drink because I do remember you telling me last time you... I got my iced tea right here. Haven't had a drink since high school. I keep hoping I'll change that, but you know how you doing? You know, Friday is always a tense day, just like any... you know, but you do it every day. I don't, so it's more... it's like football versus baseball. You know, if you play once a week, you just got to make that game, and then you relive it over the whole weekend. And you know, where's baseball? You go for four, you come up, you got tomorrow and then the next day and every day.
How many writers do you have? Um, eight, I think. I don't know, something like that. But, um, you know, a lot of shows have more. But I'm my own head writer. Sorry to say, you're the head writer though. Yeah, most shows, the guy gets it called down from a head writer. My writers, I want them to know I read every single word they ever write. I don't want them to feel like something got lost in committee, you know?
And they all know, you know, you can be outrageous; you can be over the line. I can always edit that out. I want them to be over the line, you know? I want them to push the envelope. You know, I'd rather... I can always pull that back. What I don't want is timid or afraid of, "Oh, is this too far?" It's my job to be a little too far; that's my niche.
It's the delivery too. I mean, you get away with a lot of [__] the way you deliver it. Well, I do, but you know, less than lots of people. You know who really gets away with a lot? It's cartoons. Yeah, I'm very jealous of cartoons.
And what is this? That's, uh... I'm roofying myself. No, it's a dropper of... it's a way to have diet soda without any chemicals. You just pour this into carbonated water. Uh, and also then you... you go to a sex party with Mark Robin in North Carolina. Got it? Have you been reading about this guy?
Oh, come on, which one? Who is he? The Republican nominee for governor in North Carolina. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who calls him... I mean, no comedy writer could come up with this. He calls himself a black Nazi, and also, like, was super... he's a super Christy, super hard-right Republican. He absolutely thinks abortion is genocide, but of course, he and his wife had one.
Of course he was on all these porn sites. Used to be a regular at the porn shop. The porn shop? As if that thing even existed. They still have those? Well, no, this is from like the 90s, but like even when they had them, I didn't know you could be a regular. Didn't they have one at Sunset and Dhini for a long time? That yellow building up there on the corner? Um, a little down the road was the Hustler Store. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Well, the Hustler Store was pretty...
The real issue isn't who's in charge, but who's actually solving the problems that affect our lives.
In a recent discussion, a rather absurd character was described: he calls himself a black Nazi. This individual is also characterized as a super Christy, super hard right Republican, who believes that abortion is genocide. Ironically, he and his wife had an abortion themselves. Additionally, it was revealed that he was a frequent visitor to porn sites and used to be a regular at a porn shop. The mention of such establishments brought up memories of the past, specifically a location on Sunset and Dhini, which was known as The Hustler Store. This store was considered somewhat high-end, at least in the context of adult shops, and was situated in prime real estate in Los Angeles. Although the speaker never entered the store, they passed by it daily for 21 years on their way to Paramount.
The conversation then shifted to current events, particularly an Oprah interview with Kamala Harris. The speaker admitted they had not seen it yet, humorously questioning how someone with a media empire could miss such an event. They explained their absence by stating, "I was busy in Arizona at 112 degrees with border guards figuring out why Venezuelans are coming through the desert." The speaker attributed this influx to the fact that "we're America, because we're a shining city on the hill," suggesting that many people want to come to the United States. They expressed understanding for this desire, highlighting the convenience of modern life, where one can order a pizza and engage in personal activities without interruption.
Despite not being a rah rah Patriot, the speaker acknowledged that "America is still the biggest swinging dick." They emphasized the importance of perspective and urged listeners to focus on solving problems rather than fixating on who holds the presidency. The speaker criticized the tendency to blame the president for the country's issues, arguing that "who has the top job is not near as important as who's solving the problems." They pointed out that many of the challenges facing the nation are influenced by unelected bureaucrats who create regulations that affect daily life.
The speaker further elaborated on the role of bureaucrats, acknowledging their necessity in society while also expressing frustration with their lack of accountability. They shared a personal anecdote about their experience with California's regulations when trying to modify their home, stating, "I can't fix my garage door without the state of California getting involved." This frustration resonated with many, particularly those who feel overwhelmed by regulations and the bureaucratic system. Ultimately, the speaker conveyed a sense of disillusionment with the political landscape, suggesting that it might not be enough to motivate them to vote.
Bureaucracy can turn simple tasks into exhausting battles, but sometimes all it takes is a little transparency and a camera crew to cut through the nonsense.
I am, as you say, a very simple man. I have one house, one car, and one plane. When I bought this house, it had a three-car garage. However, memo to the people who built this house: that was never a three-car garage unless you were driving little Japanese cars or something. It just wasn't feasible. At some point, I realized this is actually a two-car garage.
I went through three inspections to change that, which is ridiculous. I can't even fix my garage door without the state of California getting involved. This situation really frustrates people, especially those who have a steady take on the center. I think, “You’re not going to get me to vote for Donald Trump just because you made me go through three inspections for my garage door.” But I understand if I were a different kind of person, maybe that could sway me. I think you are that kind of person, and they did get you there, even if you don't admit it. But I'm not going to be there.
Yes, the state of California drives you batshit insane, and it’s infuriating. Some of the regulations are so counterintuitive. For instance, I wanted to put solar panels on my house, and it took me three years. I was complaining about it on my show, and it didn’t move them. Can you imagine? They are so arrogant and entrenched that even a public embarrassment every week did not make them budge until it finally did. Those people must be pretty secure in their jobs. I was publicly shaming them every week for wanting to do something that the state says is good for the environment. I wanted to be a good citizen, save myself some money, and yet I couldn’t get the solar hooked up for nonsensical bureaucratic reasons.
You just have to show up with a camera crew to get your permit, right? That works, right? Why have you done that? Well, I’m just saying I would suggest it; it helps if you show up with a camera crew.
What do you think of these people who go undercover? There’s one guy, I forget his name, who’s on the right, but now people on the left are doing it too. They get someone thinking they’re someone else, like a Borat thing, and then they get them on tape. There was a recent incident where someone was pretending to be a reporter and interviewed the owner of the Washington Commanders, a sports team. He said some things that got him into a lot of hot water.
I mean, it depends on what you call news, but this was pretty big news. He said something like, “Our job here at the team is to sell hope, even if we have a shitty team.” They made it sound like a great scandal, but that’s just sports! Sports isn’t doing anything for us except diverting us. It’s entertainment.
So, this was an undercover thing, and they do this a lot now. Do you think that’s cricket, or do you think that’s wrong? I think subterfuge is a bad idea. I believe in being transparent. I don’t like sneaking up on people. You have certainly made that your signature in your career. You’re a blunt guy who says it plainly. I think that’s the secret to your success: you say what a lot of people are thinking, and you say it out loud.
You’re never cruel, but you’re not going to spare them the true skinny as you see it. I’ve had people confess to murder on the show. I’ve had guests come on and basically say, “Yeah, well, I did it.” You don’t have to sneak up on them to get that information. If you just know how to interrogate someone and ask the right questions, they often want to unburden themselves. Most people do, especially if they’re carrying a heavy burden.
Some people are just exhibitionistic, and some think they’re the smartest person in the room, but they aren’t always right. That can backfire on them. Apropos of what we were just saying about the jury system, look at Robert. I mean, both the part where he admits it in the bathroom and the stupidity of at least one of those juries. The evidence was overwhelming, and when you heard what the jury said, you thought, “Oh my God, I never want to have to go in front of a jury. These people cannot…”
The jury system isn't about finding the truth; it's about who can tell the best story.
I haven't watched the show a lot, but it seems that people often want to unburden themselves. Most people do this if they are really carrying a heavy burden. However, some individuals are just exhibitionistic, and others think they are the smartest person in the room, even when they aren't. This can backfire on them. Apropos of what we were just saying about the jury system, Robert's situation illustrates this well.
In one instance, he admits it in the bathroom, highlighting the stupidity of at least one of those juries. The evidence was just overwhelming, and when you heard what the jury said, you couldn't help but think, "Oh my God, I never want to have to go in front of a jury." These people cannot be counted on to figure it out. You want to put the dots pretty close together, but I am a fan of the jury system. I think we often don't know what they got to hear and what they don't get to hear.
Another important point is that the jury system is so not about getting to the truth; it’s about which side has the better team that does this for a living. I remember a case from about 20 to 25 years ago involving a marijuana advocate, back when it wasn't legal anywhere. They put him in jail, and afterward, all the jurors came out and said, "Oh, if they had let us know that he wasn't a drug dealer." They weren't allowed to introduce evidence that would have clarified the situation. The jury was under the impression that this guy, who was just a pot advocate, was actually selling drugs. They thought they were putting away someone like El Chapo. That's not a system that's seeking the truth; that's just a system of who has the better liars.
You know, I did that for a long time—what worked with juries. I thought, "Sell pot?" Yes, I do know that. I would rather have a so-so story really well told than a great story poorly told when I go in front of a jury. You ever worry about people you might have pissed off with some of your statements? You know, judges sometimes get targeted. That happened today when someone killed a judge. But you're kind of a judge yourself; you have that judgy vibe. Has anyone ever come after you in a very scary way?
I consider myself the least judgmental person I know, but sometimes it's not wrong to judge. When you take a strong position, you're going to piss off half the people. You have to make judgments, and I've been very critical of some of our elite universities that have allowed these pramas demonstrations and their failure to teach critical thinking. I've been very outspoken about that, and as a result, I've received a lot of death threats. We're eye to eye on that one.
I just can't believe the things I'm hearing on these campuses—things I never thought I would hear in my lifetime, like "death to America." I don't understand how these universities can turn a deaf ear to that. There is a difference between free speech and inciting people to violence. There's also a difference between committing terrorism, like what Hamas did on October 7th in Israel, and retaliating against terrorism. The Israelis don't commit terrorist acts; they kill terrorists. Yes, other people may get killed in that process because that's what happens in a war.
However, the fact that the left, or so many of them, are so morally confused about this conflict is troubling. For instance, they blew up the Hezbollah fighters with pagers this week. It’s hard not to laugh at that, and I don't care; I'm happy to laugh at it. These are terrorists, and they did it in an unorthodox way. Most of them survived, but they suffered severe injuries. I’m sure all the college campus protest kids were so sad that their heroes in Hamas got hurt.
I’ve been to Israel since October 7th, and I visited the site where they had the music festival. I actually interviewed the first responder who was there by himself for a long time. You should have seen the situation; it was intense. I didn’t say much during that interview, but the experience was eye-opening.
Understanding the difference between blame and responsibility is crucial; context matters in moral discussions.
It's hard not to laugh, and I don't care; I'm happy to laugh at it. I mean, these are terrorists. Yes, they did it in a kind of unorthodox way. Most of them lived, but they just got their dick blown off. I'm sure that all the college campus protest kids were so sad that their heroes in Hamas got their dick blown off.
Look, I’ve been to Israel since October 7th, and I’ve visited the site where they had the music festival. I was there when they came in, and I actually interviewed the first responder. I don’t mean just any first responder; I mean the first responder who was there by himself for a long time. You should listen to this guy. I didn’t say much during that whole interview; I just let him talk. It’s on the short list of the most moving interviews I’ve done in 25 years.
I don’t want people in Gaza getting killed. I don’t want children getting killed. I don’t want people in hospitals getting killed. Of course not; I hate that. But getting killed with shrapnel from a bomb when you’re retaliating against terrorists who did what they did and then ran over there and hid in a daycare center or hid in a hospital is not the moral equivalent of what they did on October 7th. Anyone who equates one with the other is at the most base level of morality that you can possibly be. It’s like you don’t know the difference between blame and responsibility.
If that chair breaks right now, are you to blame for it? No, you weren’t abusing the chair. Are you involved? Are you responsible? Yes, you were sitting in it, so you had involvement. But that doesn’t mean there was intent. Those people came over there and killed infants in their cribs. I’ve seen the cribs; I’ve been there in the rooms. I’ve seen it happen. I’ve seen footage from the IDF that were GoPros from Hamas that they took off their dead bodies. I know what actually took place, and there’s no moral equivalent to what Israel has done.
I hate that they’ve had innocent people killed in Gaza. I’m sorry, but they knew that when they did it. Did they think they were going to go over and do that and then say, “Hey, I wish you wouldn’t do that again”? Of course, they knew that was going to happen, and they didn’t care. They were willing to sacrifice those lives. For our elite universities to allow this stuff to go on, they just haven’t taught critical thinking. They haven’t taught these kids how to think, and these outside agitators have come in and found these kids with no direction and given them something to do.
Actually, that’s where I’ll stop you. It would be better if it was outside agitators. Well, there are outside agitators. Yes, there are. But the real problem is inside agitators because when I say inside, I mean the professors. I agree; the professors are the issue. There’s a difference between the violence perpetrated in the '60s by groups like the Weathermen and what’s happening now. The Weathermen went from a protest group to a bomb-setting group, and they weren’t very good at it, but the professors at my alma mater, Cornell, weren’t encouraging this.
That’s the difference. The professor at my alma mater now is saying he was exhilarated by what happened on October 7th. These are art history professors, by the way. They’re not government professors; they’re teaching art history or Kinesiology. What the hell are they doing talking about this? If I’m paying for my kid to go there or some sort of Muslim studies course, I don’t get it.
Club Random is brought to you by the audio marketing gurus at Radioactive Media. The Daily Grind is back; it’s fall, and Q4 is upon us. So, isn’t it time to juice your business for the end of the year? Why don’t you do something new and adventurous and utilize a new marketing angle by harnessing the power of audio? Partner with shows like mine. The team at Radioactive Media can ensure that your message will stand out by driving new customers through the power of audio nationally on podcasts, terrestrial, satellite, and streaming radio. Radioactive Media can create a customizable campaign for your company’s needs so you can attract new and qualified customers. Radioactive believes so much in the power of audio marketing that they put their money where their mouths are by using it themselves right here, right now.
It's time to get off the bench and speak up for what truly matters—merit, hard work, and standing up for America.
The Daily Grind is back, brought to you by the audio marketing gurus at Radioactive Media. It's fall, and Q4 is upon us, so isn't it time to juice your business for the end of the year? Why not do something new and adventurous by utilizing a new marketing angle? By harnessing the power of audio and partnering with shows like mine, the team at Radioactive Media can ensure that your message will stand out by driving new customers. They utilize the power of audio marketing nationally on podcasts, terrestrial, satellite, and streaming radio.
Radioactive Media can create a customizable campaign tailored to your company's needs, allowing you to attract new and qualified customers. They believe so strongly in the power of audio marketing that they put their money where their mouths are by using it themselves right here, right now, on this show. Learn how you can experience the power of audio marketing by also utilizing the strength of text messaging, which can generate an ROI as high as 7 to 1. Yes, apparently, that is true! Don't fall behind your competition; go to radioactivmedia.com or text the word "random" to 511511. Discover how audio marketing can surpass your current strategies in new and innovative ways that sound better. Remember, go to radioactivmedia.com or text "random" to 511511 today. Terms and conditions apply; message and data rates may apply.
Switching gears, I want to address a serious issue. Most of the names that I've seen ascribed to the extremely anti-Semitic rhetoric were all professors with Arabic names. This is not a slander on all Arabic people, but it raises questions. For instance, Rashida Tlaib called the Beeper bombings "disgusting." I often wonder, are you the representative from Michigan or Palestine? It seems to be the issue for you above all. I don't ask a lot from politicians, but when you represent America, you should prioritize representing who you're supposed to represent. If you're my agent, I don't want you trying to sell someone else in a meeting; I want you to sell me.
What concerns me is the 70% in America that is kind of in the middle. I call it the Heartland because we have bubbles on the East Coast and the West Coast, but there's this significant portion of the population that has a "live and let live" attitude. However, there comes a time when you must say, "Hey, it's time for me to get off the bench and speak up." This is one of those times. It's not okay that some are standing up for terrorists, and it's not acceptable that these universities are not speaking up for America. They need to take a stand.
Speaking of media, I have started a new network called Merit TV and Merit Street Media. I didn't choose that name randomly; it's about merit. We built this company on a meritocracy—where you work hard, add value, and bring talent, and it gets rewarded. We've strayed from that, and we need to return to it. The other side has a valid argument that rewards have not been equally distributed for everyone throughout history. For example, if I'm a black teenager who gets pulled over, I might wonder whether I'd rather have Eric Holder or Jeff Sessions as the attorney general. Policy guidelines do change, and people handle them differently.
So, does it matter who is president? Yes, sometimes it does. But I don't obsess over this. Would you rather start in America or Venezuela or Argentina? You always present it as if these two are in contention, but they are completely different issues. Yes, America has been uneven in its history of treating people, but I always say that America is still the place that you'd want to be. There are plenty of countries that are fine, and there's a reason why Belgium doesn't empty out and come here—because Belgium is a perfectly fine country.
However, for many people, especially the poor who can find a way to get here, America remains the land of opportunity. Countries like Venezuela and Haiti are much closer, and the contrast is stark.
America is a work in progress, but we must consciously choose to move forward instead of just repeating the past.
In discussing the complexities of America's history and its treatment of people, it is essential to recognize that America has been uneven in our history. However, I often emphasize that America is still the place that you'd want to be. While there are many countries that are perfectly fine, such as Belgium, which doesn't see a mass exodus to the U.S., there are numerous individuals, especially from poorer nations like Venezuela, Haiti, and Mexico, who are drawn to America. This attraction is understandable, and it leads to ongoing debates about the best approach to immigration.
The challenge lies in the fact that if this country wasn't so [__], we could easily arrive at a consensus. Most people agree that we need immigration, yet there is contention about the legality of it. Could we just keep it to the people who legally come here? Yes, many would say yes, but the inability to reach that agreement reflects deeper issues within our society. There is a sense that something's wrong up here—a psychological barrier that prevents those with resources from finding solutions to pressing issues like healthcare.
Several factors contribute to this stagnation: some of it is greed, some of it is inertia, and some of it is just hatred. Additionally, many Americans feel spiritually empty, despite having comfortable lives filled with conveniences. This emptiness can lead to poor choices and actions. One of the significant problems we face is that we do things today because it's what we did yesterday. When our actions are dictated by habit rather than conscious choice, we encounter serious issues.
In my book, We've Got Issues: How to Stand Strong for America's Soul, I outline ten essential elements for a healthy culture, with the first being be who you are on purpose. This means owning your choices and not simply repeating past behaviors without thought. If someone enjoyed what they did yesterday, then they should do it again today—but they must own that decision.
Regarding the notion of equal opportunity in America, I clarify that while our history reflects significant inequalities, we must also recognize that we are not living in the same era as 50 years ago. Do we have perfect equal opportunity? No, but there are various factors—such as race, IQ, personality, and even physical appearance—that can influence one's success. Unlike the past, where being Black often meant facing systemic barriers, today, there are more avenues for privilege and success.
I think we’ve made progress, and this is not merely a belief; it is a reality. The changes since the days when Black artists were relegated to different hotels are profound. 2024 is just a different Universe from 1954. While there is always more work to be done, it is crucial to acknowledge the significant strides we have made compared to many other countries that still grapple with deep-rooted racism. Humanity is indeed a work in progress, and recognizing our advancements is part of that journey.
Progress is undeniable; we’ve come a long way since the days of segregation, but the journey towards true equality and opportunity continues.
In the past, being black meant facing significant challenges; you just did not get the chances and were not visible in the culture. The contrast between then and now is night and day. Thankfully, we're not living in that year anymore. It's clear that we have made progress, and it's not just a matter of opinion; it's a reality. For instance, I think gravity exists—similarly, I believe we have made substantial strides since the days when black artists had to stay in a different hotel.
The progress we have made is significant, especially when compared to many other countries that are much more racist. However, there are still challenges, and the woke people attack you for acknowledging that there is still much work to do. Of course, humanity is a work in progress, but we must also acknowledge the reality that 2024 is just a different universe from 1954.
Some things are not debatable; for example, people are three times less likely to express their opinions now than they were 75 years ago. This fear often stems from concerns about being canceled or facing backlash on social media. When I hear discussions about equal outcome, I find it frustrating. The idea that there will be some kind of equal outcome is unrealistic. Instead, we should focus on working towards equal opportunity and leveling the playing field, which is a great goal.
To clarify for the audience, what we are discussing is equity versus equality. I had Bernie Sanders on the show about three or four years ago, and when I asked him about this distinction, he initially answered with equality. However, it became clear that in Democratic Party politics, the expected answer is equity. Bernie, being an old-school liberal, believes that people should just be judged by the content of their character, not the color of their skin. This perspective aligns with equality, while equity demands a certain outcome.
There is an argument for equity, especially considering the night and day difference in opportunities that have existed for hundreds of years. I believe in some remedial measures. For example, should we admit more black students into colleges? The Supreme Court has ruled on this, making it a moot point. However, I think we owe it to society to ensure that there are as many black lawyers as white lawyers.
Yet, when it comes to having black dorms, I believe that is plainly racism in reverse. We should not create all-black anything, as it contradicts the progress we are trying to achieve. If someone suggested an all-white dorm, it would be met with outrage. Either we are committed to equality as a society, or we are not.
While I do think there should be some measure of equity, we have strayed too far from equality and merit. If we focus on these principles, we could make a significant difference in just one generation. The current issue lies in how schools receive their resources. In most states, schools get their funding from property taxes. In inner cities, property values are low, resulting in a low tax base and insufficient funding for schools.
To turn this situation around, we must ensure that schools have adequate resources. They should not have broken windows, crummy desks, or poor lighting. Instead, they need good Wi-Fi, good computers, and all the necessary tools to effectively educate children.
Invest in our schools and give every child a fair chance; when we provide the right resources, they will rise to the occasion.
The current educational system faces significant challenges, particularly in how schools obtain their resources. If you go and look at where schools get their resources, it becomes evident that they primarily rely on property taxes. In most states, this means that schools in inner-city areas, where property values are very low, consequently have a very low tax base. As a result, the funding available for these schools is severely limited.
To address this issue, it is essential to ensure that schools are equipped with adequate facilities. If you want to turn this around, schools must not have broken windows, crummy desks, or poor lighting. Instead, they should have good Wi-Fi, good computers, and good projectors. Additionally, it is crucial to incentivize teachers to work in these schools. However, it is also important to recognize that they can't have crummy teachers either. The quality of education is directly linked to the quality of the teachers, who play a pivotal role in shaping students' understanding and knowledge.
The infrastructure of schools is a significant factor in the education system, but the core issue lies in who's telling kids what. Teachers are responsible for imparting knowledge, and if they hold political views that overshadow their educational duties, it can negatively impact students. While there are many dedicated and effective teachers, there are also instances where some educators promote ideas that may not be appropriate for children. I've seen the videos where teachers express views that may confuse or mislead students, such as suggesting that they may not be in the right body.
This situation is exacerbated by teacher unions that support such ideologies. The United States has become an outlier in this regard, especially when compared to other liberal countries like Sweden and the UK, which have taken a more cautious approach to radical changes in education. These countries have recognized the need to put the brakes on doing radical stuff that can have irreversible effects on children.
It is essential to acknowledge that while some individuals may genuinely feel misaligned with their biological gender, it does not necessitate a complete societal overhaul. Can’t we just come to the middle? We should be respectful of individuals who experience gender dysphoria, but it is unreasonable to assume that everyone is born into the wrong body.
In one generation, if we recognize that schools need adequate funding to provide children with an equal starting point, we can avoid the need to lower academic standards in college admissions. When you give them an equal Launchpad, these students will rise to the occasion. They are intelligent and capable; they simply need the opportunity to succeed. Don't lower the standards for them.
Ultimately, addressing racial issues in education requires a nuanced approach. While acknowledging the historical injustices faced by the Black community, it is crucial to focus on providing equitable resources and opportunities for all students, regardless of their background.
Everyone deserves a fair chance to succeed without lowering the bar; give them the launchpad and watch them soar.
These kids should even start with an equal opportunity. Then, when they get to college, you don't need to lower the standards. You don't need to have a different criteria or do anything different for them because they had an equal Launchpad. When you give them an equal Launchpad, they'll do the rest. You don't need to have a quota system or lower the standards; just give them a track to run on, and they'll run. Trust me, these kids are smart; they just need to have a chance. So, give them a chance and don't lower the standards for them.
As with almost everything related to these racial issues, I feel like it's a combination of factors. It's a paradox to begin with. On one hand, has my race been awful to the black race? Yes, it has. Have I individually contributed to that? No. So, do I have any responsibility? Yes, but not actual blame. It's a combination of these things. How can we own up to the fact that I, and that we, both benefited because we are old enough to have benefited from a time where you did always get the break over the black guy?
First of all, I personally didn't orchestrate this. What was I going to do, not take the job at the comedy bar in Cleveland because I was aware that they might have hired me instead of the black comic? It could have happened, so I acknowledge that. How can I be a good citizen and a good person with that, but not to the point of turning my life over? We don't need to do that anymore because we do live in a different world.
The fact that we're having a conversation about it is significant. I mean, this is a big platform; we've got megaphones, and we're having a conversation about it and acknowledging it. We're doing what we can to draw attention to it. I don't feel guilty about it. I'm not going to hang my head and cross the street when I see someone who is black.
Steve Harvey, a really good friend of mine and part of the network, and I talk about it all the time. He's not saying, "Hey man, you up here," and how about we just give a big preemptive expletive to all the people who will say, "How dare two white men have this conversation"? As if people don't talk about race within their own race. Of course, they do. You should do both, and I do do both.
I don't shy away from it. This is why I'm saying the Heartland needs to not be afraid to talk about these things for fear of offending someone. I have people ask me all the time, "My friend's husband died, and I haven't seen her in six weeks. I ran into her at the grocery store; should I bring it up or not?" They worry that if they bring it up, they might bring her down. Yes, you bring it up. She didn't forget he died; she knows he died. If you act like it didn't happen, it's as if you're saying, "Well, yeah, she didn't give a expletive; she just went on."
You need to bring these things up and talk about them. Don't be afraid to discuss these issues just because you're worried about offending someone. If they get offended, that's on them. If you said something you shouldn't have, we shouldn't have a cancel culture; we should have a council culture. If someone says something really offensive, call them aside and say, "Hey, you may not realize it, but that's really rude, and I wish you wouldn't say that again." I'm not going to call your boss and try to get you fired; I'm just telling you that it really bothers me, and I wish you wouldn't say that again. Then, move on with your life.
It's not about getting someone fired; just get over that. Everyone should be talking about this stuff. That's what I mean about self-governance. I don't care who gets elected; does it matter who's attorney general? Maybe, but do they set the agenda? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. But we have to be self-determined. It's up to us. We need to quit blaming everybody else. It's up to us what we do and how we decide. You have to get up, work hard, and make your own way. Quit blaming everybody.
Yes, that's certainly one of my big complaints about the roster of things that I think didn't used to be on the left. One of them is victim culture. People really seem to embrace it; it's almost like an identity, which is very odd. I understand the concept, and maybe you're a good one to ask about this because you have professional training in this area. But I feel like people need an identity, even if it's a shitty one.
Stop blaming others and take charge of your own life; your identity is yours to create.
Does it matter who's attorney general? The answer is yes, maybe. Do they set the agenda? Yes, and do people follow it? Maybe, maybe not. Ultimately, I don't know, but we have to be self-determined. It's up to us; we got to quit blaming everybody. It's up to us what we do and how we decide. You got to get up and work hard and make your own way and quit blaming everybody.
One of my big complaints about the current state of affairs is the roster of things that I think didn't used to be on the left. One of these is victim culture. People do really seem to embrace it, almost like an identity, which is very odd. I understand the concept, and perhaps you're a good one to ask about this because you have professional training in this area. However, I feel like people need an identity, even if it's a shitty one. They just want to have an identity.
I remember when I was in high school; I can very clearly recall that era when I was searching for an identity. First, I wanted to be a jock, but I did not make the Freshman Basketball team, so that dream wasn't going to happen. I would have loved to have been involved in the arts, but I was too shy to get on stage. Eventually, I kind of settled on being the poor kid who needs to work after school. I always had some sort of job, like at 14 or 15, even before most kids had jobs. It could have been lawn mowing, raking leaves, shoveling snow, or working at the drugstore or liquor store. I stocked the shelves; that was my thing.
When I look back, I realize that this was important to me. It was an identity; that was my identity. I was the poor kid who needed to work. That was my currency; that's how I bought my ticket into the group. I just see that in politics a lot. I think politics really is so much more about personality. The politics, I believe, comes out of the personality.
For instance, if your personality is that of a pipe and slippers guy, you know, old-fashioned, happily married, and doesn't do drugs or alcohol, you're probably going to lean Republican. I'm not saying that's you, but let's consider another personality type. If someone is very safety-conscious and loves making everything safer, like all the features in a car, that person is likely to be a Democrat.
It really comes out of personality. I think there's a lot to that. People want to belong to something. The number one need in all people is acceptance. During COVID, it was so important to people's identity to showcase their commitment to safety. For example, there were people who would wear three masks, proclaiming, "That's how good a person I am." I even saw individuals driving alone in their cars with masks on. I used to joke that they must think they're going to catch something from the radio.
Having confidence that I am safe at home is one of my biggest priorities. Do you feel unease when you go to sleep at night or leave your home? If you don't, you're not paying much attention. I've felt that same unease, but it wasn't until I was watching the news and saw a police chopper in my neighborhood that I realized how urgently I needed a security system. My dogs are old, and I don't take my gun to the shower with me. In fact, I got rid of my guns—not that the thieves need to know that.
After some extensive research done by my podcast producer, we found Simply Safe. In fact, I got Simply Safe for my entire staff because I don't want anything to happen to any of them; hiring new people is really hard. With fast professional monitoring and lifeguard protection, Simply Safe agents can act within five seconds of receiving your alarm and can even see and speak to intruders to stop them in their tracks. I'd love to know what that sounds like. You'll never be locked into a long-term contract, and Simply Safe has been named best home security system by US News and World Report for five years running.
In a world where political parties have lost their way, it's crucial to recognize that both sides have been hijacked by extremes, leaving us searching for a middle ground.
I urgently needed a security system because my dogs are old, and I don't take my gun to the shower with me. In fact, I got rid of my guns—not that the thieves need to know that. After some extensive research done by my podcast producer, we found Simply Safe. In fact, I got Simply Safe for my entire staff because I don't want anything to happen to any of them; hiring new people is really hard. But that's another ad.
With fast protect monitoring and lifeguard protection, Simply Safe agents can act within five seconds of receiving your alarm and can even see and speak to intruders to stop them in their tracks. I'd love to know what that sounds like! You'll never be locked into a long-term contract, and Simply Safe has been named best home security systems by US News and World Report for five years running. It offers the best customer service in home security according to Newsweek. Protect your home with my 50% off a new Simply Safe system, plus a free indoor security camera when you sign up for fast protect monitoring. Just visit simply.com/random. That's simply.com/random. There's no safe like Simply Safe.
This episode is brought to you by IR Restore, the clinically proven, game-changing hair growth device that's here to help you turn back the clock on hair. I love IR Restore because it has helped my friend Tommy so much; I changed his name to not give up his hair growth secret. IR Restore's FDA cleared laser and LED system isn't just another gadget; it's a scientifically advanced approach to hair restoration that you can use right at home. The IR Restore Elite, the most powerful device on the market, is engineered with 500 lasers and LEDs designed to provide maximum scalp coverage and deliver the energy necessary to revive dormant hair follicles.
And who doesn't want to put a light-up thingy on their head when they're having a talk with friends? The IR Restore Elite uses level light therapy (LLT), a treatment that has been clinically proven to stimulate cellular activity within your hair follicles. This stimulation increases blood flow to the scalp, delivering essential nutrients and oxygen that help to reduce inflammation—one of the key factors that contribute to hair loss. In just a few months, you'll start to see noticeable improvements as your hair regains its vitality without the need for drugs, painful procedures, or expensive surgeries. It's the most non-invasive, pain-free, and drug-free way to bring your hair back to life, backed by real science.
Whether you're just starting to see that hairline retreating or you never take that hat off, IR Restore can change your life. For a limited time only, our listeners get $600 off their order when you use code random at irorlaser.com. That's $600 off your order at irorlaser.com with promo code random. Are you ready to get medical-grade red light treatment at home to regrow your hair? For a limited time only, our listeners get $600 off at their order when you use code random at irorlaser.com. That's $600 off your order at irorlaser.com with promo code random. Hair loss is frustrating, but you don't have to fight it alone thanks to IR Restore.
I mean, I could go on. We could do just a show, or you could take clips just from my real-time show and make it look like I'm always on the right side because there's so much to criticize about the left. But it never makes me want to join the right. That's where I think we're different. It just wouldn't happen. And that's including marching for Hamas; I mean, that's as dumb as it gets. But you have to make the distinction that it's mostly a bunch of kids and idiot professors. It's not the rank and file of the Democratic politician, even though they're too reluctant to condemn it. The one who does is Fetterman.
Fetterman is the best! You had him? I haven't yet. Is there a Democratic party, or has it been hijacked by the extreme left? Is there still a Democratic party? Let me tell you, I say the exact same thing, and it's not even a question. The Republican party has been hijacked—not even by the extreme right, but by Trumpism, which isn't even right. I mean, a lot of it is just a cult about one guy. I wouldn't call it right to be so loving of Russia. Republicans love Russia now; they're always sucking Russia's... well, you know what I mean. That isn't right-wing; that's crazy because the leader of their party is crazy.
If the Democratic party of 20 or 30 years ago is not like the Democratic party today, neither is the Republican party. I was going to say that next—I agree!
The political landscape has shifted so dramatically that both parties seem unrecognizable, and it's time for Americans to prioritize self-determination over party loyalty.
John Fedman raises a critical question: Is there a Democratic party, or has it been hijacked by the extreme left? He asserts that this is not even a question, as he believes the Republican party has also been hijacked, but not merely by the extreme right; rather, it has been overtaken by Trumpism, which he describes as a cult centered around one individual. He expresses disbelief at the current Republican stance, stating, "Republicans love Russia now," and criticizes their leadership as "crazy."
Fedman reflects on the transformation of both major parties over the past few decades, noting, "The Democratic party of 20, 30 years ago is not like the Democratic party today, neither is the Republican." He identifies himself as a political independent who votes for people and policies rather than parties. Historically, he describes himself as "always been a Social Democrat and a financial Republican."
When asked about his past relationships, he humorously responds to a loaded question about having a Jewish girlfriend, stating, "I’ve been the same woman 50 plus years." He emphasizes the need for the country to wake up and become more self-determining, regardless of who is elected president. He insists that if there are politicians, regardless of party affiliation, who are not putting "America first," they need to be removed from office.
Fedman praises the Democratic party for its ability to self-correct, citing Kamala Harris's speech at the convention as "very pro-American." He expresses surprise at her acceptance of the word "privilege" in her speech, which he expected to be about white privilege but was instead about the privilege of being an American. He acknowledges that while he doubts she wrote the speech herself, "she said it; that’s what matters." He believes her background as a child of immigrants resonates with many, as they understand the sacrifices made to come to America.
He discusses Trump's popularity among immigrants, noting that while some of his comments are offensive, they recognize the truth in his statements about their home countries. Fedman states, "We came from a [expletive] hole country," and emphasizes that many immigrants understand the struggle they faced to reach America. He acknowledges that while there are more inspiring slogans than "we're not a [expletive] hole country," it is a starting point for acknowledging the challenges the country faces.
Fedman critiques the current political landscape, suggesting that America resembles a third-world country in some aspects, particularly with a "wannabe autocrat" who refuses to concede elections. However, he believes that America is fundamentally good, especially in comparison to the rest of the world. He feels that the Democrats are returning to a positive message, while the Republicans have lost their identity pre-Trump.
He concludes by questioning what America will do when the truth about Biden's condition comes to light, reflecting on how he has faced criticism for making jokes about Biden, with people urging him to stop for fear of helping Trump. Fedman’s perspective highlights the complexities and challenges within the current political climate, urging a need for accountability and a return to core values.
People are tired of the chaos; Trumpism has worn out its welcome, and it's time for a change.
At the Democratic Convention, everybody who spoke was part of the tradition of the Democratic Party: Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Obama. In contrast, the Republicans had nobody pre-Trump—George Bush, Mitt Romney, and John McCain were absent. It feels as though that Republican Party didn't exist before Trump because they are not on board with the cult leader. This highlights a significant difference in the political landscape.
What do you think America will do when they have time to figure out all of the people that lied about Biden's condition? There are many around him who misrepresented his state. I, however, kept making jokes about it. People would approach me in restaurants, urging me to stop, saying, "Bill, stop doing those jokes about Biden; you're helping Trump." I would respond, as if no one would notice otherwise. It’s almost laughable to think that I’m the one who spilled the beans about Biden being old. That's the last thing that helped Trump because he may run against someone else.
It’s amazing how well this turned out for the Democrats. If they hadn't had the early debate, Biden would likely be the candidate. The fact that they had that debate—which had never happened before in June—was, in my opinion, the dumbest thing they could have done. Once the Democrats saw it, they finally got their act together quickly, realizing it was time to move on from the old guard.
So, what will happen if Trump wins? I will continue making jokes at his expense every week on my show. This is what makes this country great; despite his craziness, he didn’t do anything about it the first time. I’m not going to lose my nerve over it now. Sure, he could do something drastic, like sending people to Guantanamo Bay, but I don’t put anything past him. He thinks they’re eating the cats and the dogs. However, am I going to worry about it? First of all, I’m not going to worry about it, Phil, because he's not going to win. I put my marker down on this last week.
I have been known as a Trump alarmist, but now I’m saying I’m not even nervous. I don’t think it’s going to be a blowout, but the polls are going to be dead even on Election Day. When people get in the booth, they’re like some of those last-minute Christmas shoppers who really don’t know what they’re doing.
What do you think did him in? What crossed you over this time to say he did? Just time. It’s simply enough—enough is enough. You can feel it; it’s like, I can’t take any more. If you ask me why World War I started, the quick answer is the assassination of the Archduke of Austria-Hungary. That was the final match, but it had been building for years. As an empire ruler, you don’t go to war without reason; it builds and builds. I just think people have had enough.
Trumpism will live on because it is a reaction to the insanity of the left, which we both agree on. As long as they perceive that half the country is batshit nuts—and they’re not completely wrong about that—there will be another Trump. However, I think they’ve had it with this one. This one has just worn out his welcome. They have put up with so much from him: the trials, the controversies, the insanity, and even January 6. They still haven’t let go of the 2020 election, and it’s just like, enough already.
It reminds me of people I know who have been unhappily married for a long time. Then one day, they just can’t do it anymore. They know it will be painful—the roots go deep, they have children, and they worry about losing money—but they just can’t take one more day. Then they divorce and often end up with the first person who shows them attention. It’s sad.
So, do you think he’s just worn out his welcome? People are just going to get enough? I feel a sense of category fatigue. It’s going to be close, perhaps just a few hundred thousand people. But I think she will definitely win the popular vote, as Democrats almost always do. I believe she will win, but of course, he will go completely insane, as he always does.
Fatigue is setting in; people are tired of the extremes and just want to get back to common ground.
There was a day when I felt like I just can't do it. I knew this was going to be so painful; these roots go deep. We have children, and I thought, "blah blah blah, I lose my money, whatever it is, I just can't do one more day." Then they divorce, and then they marry the first girl to give them a hand job. It's so sad. They shut it up again, but it reminds me of that.
So, do you think he's just worn it out? Do you think people are just going to get enough? I feel category fatigue. I mean, it's just going to be—we're talking about a few hundred thousand people, perhaps, but I think it's going to be a little closer than that. First of all, she's definitely going to win the popular vote, as Democrats almost always do. Now, I think she will win. I don't think he will, of course, go batshit insane as he always does. He won't accept it. His followers, I think, will not really be in it as they were in 2020. Some of them will always be in the bunker with Mrs. Geral, taking the poison and giving the poison to the children because it's better than living in a world without national socialism. I make an analogy, but I don't say he's a Nazi. For most people, it's just fatigue.
Yes, I think it's time I compared it to Joe McCarthy. People got tired of Joe McCarthy in maybe two or three years. You know, he wasn't in their face every day; the media was different then. But he was very trumpian and very big for that period, and then it just faded. It was a little like the end of War of the Worlds. Did you ever see the Spielberg version? Oh, it's so great—Tom Cruise and the aliens are getting their ass kicked. Then the ending is just, "and then they died." They got a virus or something; they got COVID, and suddenly it was just like, "then they died."
Do you agree that both sides need to tone down the rhetoric? Well, we talked about that on the show earlier today. The point about rhetoric is that he's a peculiar messenger because he calls people scum, vile vermin. I mean, this is Hitler kind of talk—vermin, enemies of the people. So he's just not one to talk. What I said was, "Look, I'm not going to hold my tongue to say something true just because some borderline person might take that as a reason to kill him or vice versa." I can't worry about what borderline people are going to say if I say he's a threat to democracy because he is a threat to democracy. So I'm going to say what I think is true, but you have to play by the same rules. They don't play by the same rules; they play by rules where they're literally threatening people. They're basically saying, "We don't want to have to kill you or use our Second Amendment rights, but if you push us too far and you keep winning, yes, we're going to have to do that." I mean, they say that out loud.
I can quote Trump with his line about, "We have the rough people. I've got the police, the military." They don't want to have to, but if they go too far, okay, that's basically saying, "I'm going to use police and military." Democrats don't do that. You can find some Antifa nut who says something like that, but Democrats don't talk like that. The Heritage Foundation guy had that line about, "Well, it's going to be—we're at the brink of a second American Revolution, and it'll be bloodless if the left lets it happen." Well, again, that's not how we do things in this country. We don't threaten you with violence if you don't let our way happen. That can't be how we do it.
I think all of that talk on both sides is hyped up by the media. I think it is bad for this country. I'm quoting; I don't think—well, I know—but I don't think that has to be in everybody's face every 30 minutes with news alerts and breaking news. No, I don't think we are as divided as the media makes it out to be. That's true too. I don't think we're that divided. I think if you go talk to people throughout America, I don't think they feel nearly as alienated from their counterparts.
So, how do we marginalize both fringes? How do we make them the bad guys, which they kind of are? I couldn't agree more, and that's what I'm saying about this 7% in America. They need to stand up and speak up. You know Frank Luntz, right? Sure, Frank Luntz, the pollster. Yes, he actually hung around our show for that—was it like 20 years ago? But yeah, I like Frank. I was at his house one night, and we had students there from USC—Democrats and Republicans—that were really hostile students. They had gotten into some real problems on their websites and name-calling.
We’re not as divided as we think; if we just take a moment to see each other as human beings, we’ll realize we share more common ground than we ever imagined.
I don't think we're that divided. If you go talk to people throughout America, I believe they don't feel nearly as alienated from their counterparts. So, how do we marginalize both fringes? How do we make them the bad guys, which they kind of are? I couldn't agree more, and that's what I'm saying about this 7% in America; they need to stand up and speak up.
You know Frank Luntz, right? Sure, Frank Luntz, the pollster. Yes, he actually hung around our show for about twenty years ago, but I like Frank. I was at his house one night with students from USC—Democrats and Republicans—who were really hostile. They had gotten into some real problems on their websites, leading to name-calling and some bad blood between them. We spent about three hours at his house kind of facing off with each other.
I got them to do an exercise one night where they had to stand up and face each other, eye to eye, without saying anything for a long time. I really encouraged them to make eye contact and regard the other person as a human being. I asked them to wonder what this person went through today. Wonder if their mom is healthy, wonder if they've had a loss in their family, wonder if they have a pet, wonder if they're struggling in their classes. Just regard them as a human being—that's what I asked.
Then, I had them answer a couple of questions and circulate through the room to do it over and over again. After about five minutes, the change in the room was astounding. They said, "You know what? I really am embarrassed that I haven't thought about that person as a human being. I thought about them as a Republican or a Democrat, but when I stood before them and looked at them, I realized they're just like me. They're just trying to figure this out and get through it."
We have really stopped thinking about each other as human beings. If you just take the time to think about that and say, "You know, they're just like me," it can make a difference. Every time I negotiate with somebody or teach negotiation in law enforcement or military, I always say the first thing you have to do is sit down and say, "Before we start, let's talk about everything we agree on." Let's just get a good list of everything that we both want. By the time you get through that list, it's like you took the air out of the room because we do want an awful lot of the same things.
I've seen you with some people with whom I wouldn't agree on anything. I mean, I saw you with some young black man who believes he's a cyborg from the future. I don't agree with that; that's pathology. That's a psychiatric disorder, but that's a sliding scale. I mean, we're all a little crazy, right? Wouldn't you agree? We're all human and function on a continuum, and we dip into the okay.
So, I'm not a cyborg from the future, nor do I think there are them, but you know there are probably things I believe that any human you sat me in front of would think are strange. It could be a thing about health or what I eat; they might think, "Well, that's not normal food." Then, I'm the crazy person. You see what I'm saying? We're all sort of crazy in other people's eyes.
But do you not think that you could sit down in front of anybody and come up with things that you shared and both valued? Yes, but it would be overshadowed by the fact that one of them thought they were a cyborg. I'm not saying there won't be things on the list, even with a schizophrenic, but don't you think there would be things that you both would agree on? Take the extreme off the list. Don't you think you could sit down with any American and find things that you both wanted?
Who was that little brat that was going to fight you? That brat, that kid, that girl—you’re coming up with the most extreme cases. I'm talking about somebody from Montana or Wyoming. Listen to you—the prejudice of your own that you just exhibited. I'm talking about a normal person from Wyoming. That's normal to you? No, I'm saying come up with it. We have 336 million people in America; 99% of them you could find a common base that you both share.
In a world of extremes, the real challenge is finding common ground among the 99% who just want to connect.
In a discussion about finding common ground among Americans, one participant mentioned, "I'm not saying there won't be things on the list even with a schizophrenic, but don't you think there would be things that you both would agree on and take the extreme off the list?" They continued, commenting on the possibility of dialogue, "Don't you think you could sit down with anybody and find things—any American—and find things that you both wanted?"
The conversation shifted to a specific example of a "little brat" who was going to fight, leading to a broader point about extreme cases. "You're coming up with the most extreme cases," one participant noted, while another countered, "I'm talking about somebody from Montana, Wyoming." They pointed out the prejudice exhibited in the conversation, emphasizing that "we have 336 million people in America" and that "99% of them you could find a common base that you could share with that person."
While acknowledging that it might start that way, the discussion turned to the challenges of consensus. "Yes, it could start that way, but I don't know," one participant expressed. They humorously suggested, "Could we start with, uh, we're both protoplasms?" Despite the differences, they insisted, "What about the other 335 million people in America? I want to get them all. I'm greedy like that; I want everybody to love me."
The conversation continued with a belief in a consensus of the majority that could be brought to a reasonable middle ground. "I do think there is a consensus," one participant stated, while also addressing the fringes on both sides of the political spectrum. "Aside from those fringes, the 99% of the people that aren't exercising the tyranny of the fringe have a basis that they can find some shared values."
However, they acknowledged the reality of political divisions, noting, "Unfortunately, if it was 99%, we'd be better off. About a third of the country are super hard right." They expressed concern about the "real fringes" that could engage in dangerous actions, stating, "I'm talking about on the left, no, on the fringes on both sides."
The conversation then turned to Donald Trump, with one participant asserting, "Trump will never lose like a third of the country." They pointed out the ongoing political climate, mentioning, "You're the one with a cutout of him around the corner here." In response, another participant remarked, "I don't have him on the brain," indicating a sense of detachment from the political turmoil.
As the discussion progressed, they touched on personal beliefs and voting habits. "You have no idea how I vote or who I vote for or why," one participant insisted, while another playfully suggested, "I'd bet my house on it." The conversation took a lighter turn as they joked about the nature of private ballots and the ability to read between the lines.
The exchange then shifted to a more personal note, with one participant stating, "My job is to make you feel better." They humorously compared their role to that of a comforting figure, saying, "You're my Dean Martin." The conversation concluded with a check-in on happiness, with one participant affirming, "I'm pretty happy," and the other responding, "Oh yeah."
Finally, they touched on current events, with one participant mentioning a scandal involving Matt Gaetz and underage girls, jokingly referencing a bizarre excuse. They also recalled a previous scandal involving a public figure who had been criticized for their actions during the COVID-19 pandemic, highlighting the ongoing absurdities in the news.
It's not about finding the perfect partner, it's about finding the right vibe that makes you truly happy.
I'm not married, you know. It's not a mystery why. Nobody knows you're happy; you're just happy with yourself. I let a little bit leak out once in a while, but then I clean up right after.
Now, um, boy, did you see all the freak stories in the news this week? Just today, I read about Matt Gaetz at parties with underage girls who were naked. Um, he says a Haitian ate their clothes—no, I'm kidding! But okay, remember about Matt Gaetz? Did you read about the dude in New York, the COVID czar, telling people to mask up and not move, to hide under the bed until the virus went away? It was a scandal here when Gavin Newsom went to a fancy French restaurant called The French Laundry. This guy went to sex parties!
First of all, I want to see how good a sex party is for a czar. Like, puffy sex parties—those people were hot! I mean, I'm not saying he was doing the right thing; he seems like a monster. But I'm guessing the people were hot. I want to know who was at the COVID dude's sex party because I just picture the nude beach, which is always, you know, you go and then it's like, boy, all the wrong people want to go to the nude beach.
Yeah, what was my question? I have no idea. I think this is so—I think you went off the rails right after Matt Gaetz. Oh yeah, all the—so there was, okay, Matt Gaetz, the dude in North Carolina, the guy Mark Robinson running for governor, who was a denizen of porn shops and was on Nude Africa, this website, as governors do. Um, Nude Africa and Black Nazi, and watched girls in the locker room—like, he checked every single box. And the COVID guy, man, it looks like everybody's just doing freaky stuff. Well, not everybody. Well, okay, that's a lot.
You had a pretty good day. That's a pretty—it's a go from the governor of—you had a pretty normal day, right? Um, you just went to work and came back. No, well, I had a normal day. I got up, lit the bong, had unprotected sex with a haast, burned the American flag, ate a cat, then had my coffee, took fentanyl, went to work, did the show, and rushed here. I apologize for being late, but I appreciate you doing it at all.
No, this is a great way to spend that. What are you normally doing on a Friday night? Are you home? Um, I play tennis at night. Yeah, I have lights. Oh, I bet you do! But wait until all the people die, and there's no one to fix them but the Haitians. Then what are you going to do—play tennis in the dark? No, I'll have a Haitian out there, or you'll be at the grill with the cats.
Come on in, guys! I'll have a college professor that got fired on. I'll have a college professor out there that got fired for not teaching his course. Here's a hamburger—who wants a dog? No, an actual dog! But, uh, do you have date nights? We do, yeah, we go out.
Oh, you always go out on date night? No, but sometimes we do. I mean, she likes to go out. We go out when we want to go out; we stay in, you know, we do both. Where do you go when you go out? It depends on what city you're in. Last time we went out was, um, Vegas. We went to—oh, Vegas, yeah! We had our anniversary, and I had to do some stuff there.
Yeah, always good to fit in your anniversary with a working weekend. Yeah, this is actually during the week, so, uh, right? I mean, come on, what did you expect? You to give up a Wednesday? Oh, she likes Carrie Underwood, so we went to see Carrie Underwood. Hell of a great show! Hell of a great show! We like Carrie; we know her and spent some time with her and saw the show.
Oh, you got her backstage? Great show! If you haven't seen it, if you haven't seen it, great show! I'm guessing this worked out well at night. Yeah, she—that was a good anniversary there. Well, you know, you always have to approach the mind. Yeah, maybe we need to get you married. That's what we should do.
Well, I think that bus has sailed. I think that ship has sailed. Um, well, I mean, look, I get it; certainly, people have it after 68, but, uh, you know, it's just a sucker bet. What kind of woman do you think you'd be attracted to? The kind that doesn't want to get married? Yeah, and I found one just like it. Yeah, yeah, no, really! I mean, that's kind of it.
I mean, it's all about what I've learned after having lived so many years stupidly. The most important thing is, I mean, you can love a lot of different people for a lot of different reasons, but who's right for you? Who's right for you? And that's all about just vibing in a way where you know all these things that shrinks...
Life is too short for conflict; embrace simplicity and choose the vibe that feels right for you.
You know, you always have to approach the mind. Perhaps we need to get you married—that's what we should do. Well, I think that bus has sailed; I think that ship has sailed. I mean, look, I certainly get that people have it after 68, but you know, it's just a sucker bet.
What kind of woman do you think you would be attracted to, the kind that doesn't want to get married? Well, I found one just like it. Yeah, no really, I mean that's kind of it. What I've learned after having lived so many years stupidly is that the most important thing is that you can love a lot of different people for a lot of different reasons, but who's right for you? It's all about just vibing in a way where you know all these things that shrinks, excuse me, are always telling us we need to put up with, like, “Well, you're going to have fights.” Yeah, everyone has fights; it's just how you fight.
I don’t accept that. I don’t want any fights ever—no conflict, no conflict. So, you are conflict avoidant? If I can be, I mean, I'm not avoiding it; it’s just not happening. And it should not happen. There’s no reason why it should if two people just accept each other. You be you, and I be me. When you be me and I be me, 1 + 2 equals 3.
So, what's the longest you've dated someone in the last couple of years? Five years. And no conflict? No conflict. Of course not; I don’t allow conflict. I mean, sometimes a guy will be naggy about something, and I’m like, “You know what? I don’t do this with women. You think I’m going to do this with you? You think I’m going to do this with a guy?” There’s no nagging in my life, there’s no pressure, and there’s no jocking—none of that.
So, whatever it is, there’s no reason to fight over it. If I could do or wanted to do what you’re asking me, I would do it. If I can’t, then just shut the [ __ ] up. I mean, I don’t know why people make life so complicated. I mean, Nikki Glaser, God love her, was here the other day, and I love her to death, but she was telling me about her relationship, and like, they see a therapist once a week.
Yeah, I know Nikki; you’re the therapist. No, I wouldn’t have said that about her. She’s the best, and I love her and her boyfriend, but I can’t imagine going to a therapist once a week or any doctor. That would be upsetting. Just like they need a tune-up—does that make sense to you? That you need that much monitoring?
Yeah, I mean, you do what works, man. If you’ve got somebody that is willing to do that, but you need a referee? Like, you can’t go more than six days without needing some other person to tell you when you’re an [ __ ]? I just don’t think I can live under the sort of Damocles like that, you know what I’m saying? I just want to live. I just want to, you know, I don’t know.
So, you do what you want to do when you want to do it. That’s perfectly said, and if you don’t want to do it, you don’t do it. That’s right. What is so hard about that? You can do it, and it’s okay to like it. I would say the same of everyone else. I don’t know why that’s such a hard train to get on, but you know, I’m no one to talk because I certainly spent most of my life looking back at situations that it was dumb to be in for one reason or another. But that’s life.
I was talking to Cheich here the other day, and he said something I so agree with about aging. He said, “You see patterns.” If you want to know why older people are wiser, it’s patterns. You see it the first time, and you don’t recognize it, so it gets you. Then you see it the second time, and you’re still stupid again—it gets you again, but not as bad. By the third time it comes around, it’s like, “Okay, I’ve seen this movie, and you’re not going to get me this time.”
I have this thing I’ve done before, particularly with guys, that I call a life ruler. I actually physically have this thing that I roll out; it goes from zero to 80, which is kind of the life expectancy. It’s less than that now for men in America; it’s less than 75 now. If you start at zero and you walk down and stand on your age and look over your shoulder at how much is behind you and how little is ahead of you, you really...
Life is too short to waste on things that don't matter; focus on what truly brings you joy and purpose.
In life, there are experiences that catch you off guard, especially when you encounter them for the first time. You might find yourself surprised, and then, even the second time, you can still feel caught off guard. However, by the third time, you start to recognize the pattern and think, "Okay, I've seen this movie, and you're not going to get me this time."
I have a concept that I refer to as a life ruler, which I have physically created. This ruler extends from zero to 80, reflecting the average life expectancy, which is actually less than that now for men in America—less than 75 years. When you stand on your age and look over your shoulder at how much time is behind you and how little is ahead, it can profoundly affect your perspective. You realize, "I don’t have a lot ahead of me and a whole lot behind me. I'm going to do what I want to do when I want to do it."
This thought often leads me to reflect on the number of summers I have left. If you can count them on your two hands and are uncertain about how many of those will be quality experiences, you start to feel a sense of urgency. You don’t want to waste any time doing things you don't want to do. This is the essence of the life ruler.
As a pilot, I’ve learned that "the one thing you can't use is runway behind you." The past is of no value; what matters is the runway ahead of you. This analogy is very fitting because, ultimately, only the future holds significance.
When discussing the future, I wonder about the advancements in technology, particularly artificial intelligence. "Do you think AI might swoop in at the last minute, and there'll be people of our generation who will be the first ones to live forever?" My instinct is to say no, and it seems that many share this sentiment. However, the possibility always exists, especially as technology advances exponentially. Yet, this advancement could lead to both positive and negative outcomes.
I often ponder whether I would tire of life if aging were cured. For instance, if I were 1,200 years old, would I still find joy in simple puzzles, or would I seek something new? "After 1,200 years, would someone come in and say, 'Bill, try Wordle'?" It’s a sobering thought, especially when you feel the breath of mortality on your neck.
This awareness of mortality doesn’t necessarily create a sense of urgency for me. I often joke that "I go to the bathroom pretty regularly," but in a more serious sense, I believe that rushing through life can ruin the experience. Life moves quickly; for instance, the fall season is upon us, and before we know it, it will be Christmas. Another year will have passed, and while it may feel like time is slipping away, these years can also be some of the best.
At our age, we are relatively healthy, our minds are functioning well, and we have fulfilling lives. Many people our age are retired, but I feel fortunate that I love what I do. "If you're ever fortunate enough that your advocation and vocation are the same thing, man, you're getting paid for it." The worst job in entertainment is often better than the best job outside of it, and when you start looking at the financial aspects, it can be quite surprising.
Finding joy in your work transforms it from a job into a passion, even when the grind gets tough.
Working is an integral part of our lives, and we often reflect on the fact that many people our age are retired. This leads us to appreciate how fortunate we are to still be engaged in our careers. Absolutely, I think about it every day. I love what I do, and I know you do too. When your advocation and vocation align, it feels like a blessing. It's a unique situation where you're not just working but enjoying it, and, honestly, the worst job in entertainment is still better than the best job outside of it.
However, let's not give people a complete misimpression; there is indeed work involved. When I have time off, I often feel the need for it because, despite my enjoyment, it can be taxing. There are parts of my work that I don't always feel like doing, but I push through. Sometimes, I think about how I could be spending my time—perhaps watching a game or engaging in more personal activities. Thanks for sharing that, but I understand your point. It's a common human experience, yet it feels almost taboo to discuss openly.
I acknowledge that while we love our work, it can also be very demanding. It takes a lot out of us, and there’s a significant amount of preparation that goes unnoticed. For instance, my mother once asked me, "Phillip, what do you do the other 23 hours of the day?" She only saw me on air from four to five and didn’t realize the effort that goes into it, including the drive and the preparation.
Recently, I had an experience that highlighted the less glamorous side of our profession. I was in Arizona, where it hit 114 degrees. I was out in the desert with a sheriff, and at one point, the air conditioning in his car broke down. We had to drive back for 40 minutes in that heat, and I couldn't help but think about the glamorous life of a TV star. It was a stark reminder of the realities we face.
You, on the other hand, travel extensively for your stand-up gigs. I know you do a considerable number of dates each year, but I’ve decided to take a break from stand-up for at least next year. Really? Yes, I feel like I need a pause. Even though I’ve been doing about 40 to 50 dates a year, it’s not as intense as some others in the industry.
Speaking of travel, I had a bit of a mishap with my flight recently. My plane broke down, and I almost called you because I remembered you mentioning you could help with travel arrangements. I should have called you! I had an experience flying with a secondary airline, which made me think about the pilots' experiences. It wasn't the best, and I was expecting something more luxurious.
However, I decided to embrace the situation. I realized that I had never flown first class until I was 37 years old. Growing up, I faced financial struggles, and I learned to appreciate the opportunities I have now. Instead of complaining, I chose to view it as a learning experience.
Embrace every experience, even the unexpected ones, because they often teach us the most valuable lessons.
Of the pilots on some of these secondary airlines, it's not the best. So, I was expecting to go on a private plane, and we wound up on Sun Air. I got to tell you, and this is in your alley, I wish I had done more of this in my life. But again, it's good to be older and smarter about things. I just made up my mind before we even left the private airport that I was going to embrace this. I could have been a little negative about it, but it's like, you know what? I never even flew first class until I was 37. I mean, I grew up poor a lot in my early 20s, from 18 to 27, and so I don't feel bad about the plane. I was like, you know what? I'm so lucky I get to do this, and it came out in the watch that I could.
Let's use this as a learning experience, and boy was it! The people at Sun Air were so nice. I thank you, Sun Air, you got me home. But like what people put up with, it's good to be reminded. First of all, I was the co-skeptic of all time to begin with, but now it's tripled that. The idea that we locked down the whole country, and everybody had to wear a mask everywhere, and yet on the planes, planes were still flying. Even if you had a mask, everyone was like, "I mean, there's so..." Then you have to take it off to eat. You couldn't devise a better way to make sure the disease was spreading than to put people in this tube, this cylinder, have them eat with the mask off, and then land someplace or disperse to a new area. I was like, "Oh, [expletive], you people with that."
Okay, so but Sun Air, they were great. They were so nice, and I remember the flight attendants were so friendly. I mean, the last time I flew, they were called stewardesses. I was talking to them and I said, "You know, the last time I flew, they showed one movie, and you bought a headset for $3, which they were up there squirting with stuff to clean it each time." But we landed, and even when we landed, it was like, "Oh thank God we're home." No, not even close! You had to get a [expletive] shuttle bus to your baggage claim. The shuttle bus, of course, took 20 minutes. Everybody piled on, and they looked like zombies at this point. Then the bus is driving on the tarmac, and it gets halfway there. I guess we had to wait for some plane to pass us. I think it was Hawaiian Airlines that had to pass before we could go behind them. Maybe we’d be hit by their tail exhaust or something, so we waited for a half hour standing in this bus. I was like, "What the [expletive] is going on? Why are we sitting here?" Everybody just had a look on their face like, "This is what happened. We did this every week." It was like, wow, they really have zombified the people to accept this.
Well, Sun Air has a good safety record, by the way. I had never even heard of them before, but they couldn't have been nicer. I loved the people at Sun Air, and boy, that tuna sub at the airport was special. I was coming from Minneapolis, and I was supposed to go to Milwaukee. It was the night before the Republican convention, and I was supposed to play Milwaukee. I never made it there, but it probably was for the best because someone was shot two days earlier. They said that they had roped off all of downtown, and I probably couldn't have gotten to the hotel or the venue. So, it probably would have been a fool's errand to go anyway.
But I did try because I didn't want people to think that I was not going there because I was in some way put off by, I don't know what kind of internet conspiracies would come up. They'd say some crazy [expletive], "Bill Barr didn't go to Milwaukee when he was scheduled to because Trump had been shot." Nothing could be further from the truth, but that's what they would have made up—some crazy [expletive]. So, I tried, but it wasn't happening. We took Sun Air back home.
So, you go make that up, that date. I already did! Oh, I only ever missed two other dates in my life, and it was never because of health. I've never missed a show because of health. They made me not do two shows during the pandemic because I tested positive, but I was fine. I could have done the show, but okay. Other than that, I've never missed a show, never missed a stand-up show, except one time when the airport was fogged in, and we couldn't land. Another time, the plane broke going to Texas. When I did the makeup date, I put out free barbecue in the parking lot for everybody who came back. Oh yeah, that’s good!
True confidence is magnetic; insecurity is a major turnoff. When you own who you are, people can feel it and are drawn to you.
The conversation reflects on the challenges and experiences of performing live shows. The speaker mentions that they would have made up some crazy excuse if they had to cancel a show, but it simply "wasn't happening." They recount taking a flight back home and how they had already rescheduled a missed date. They emphasize that they have only ever missed two other dates in their life, and it was never due to health issues. In fact, they have never missed a show due to health, except during the pandemic when they tested positive twice. Despite being fine, they were unable to perform.
The speaker recalls a time when they missed a show because "the airport was fogged in," and another time when "the plane broke going to Texas." When they made up for the missed show, they provided free barbecue in the parking lot for everyone who returned. They express their understanding of how disappointing it is for fans who prepare for a night out only to have the show canceled. They criticize other performers, particularly rock stars, who show up late or cancel shows, stating, "that's terrible."
The speaker reflects on the importance of the audience, saying, "we're lucky because a lot of people make us lucky." They express confusion over performers who leave audiences waiting for hours, contrasting this with their own commitment to punctuality. They mention that when they say a show starts at 9:30, they mean it, and they criticize artists like Madonna for making audiences wait. They share their experience that the bigger the star, the smaller the ego, noting that some of the biggest names in the industry, like Stevie Wonder, show up early and even bring treats for the crew.
The conversation shifts to the topic of insecurity and its impact on relationships. The speaker reflects on how insecurity can be unattractive, saying, "it's not sexy." They discuss how true security is essential, as people can easily detect when someone is faking confidence. They recall the "how to pick up women" books from their youth, which often promoted disingenuous tactics. The speaker humorously notes that they never bought one of those books but were aware of their content.
As they delve deeper into the topic, they mention that being less desperate makes one more attractive. They acknowledge that women can "smell desperation," and this realization comes with age and experience. The conversation concludes with the speaker expressing pride in their work at Meritt Street Media and inviting the other person to visit them in Dallas. They share their fondness for the city, appreciating the audience there, which is mostly liberal but not overly politically correct. The speaker expresses a desire to connect again, saying, "I'll send the plane for you," before humorously stating their disinterest in owning a plane, drawing a parallel to their views on marriage.