Dr K We Are Producing Millions Of Lonely, Addicted, Purposeless Men & Women!

Jumping to solutions won't fix your problems; first, you need to understand and address what's really going on inside.

This is the whole problem that everyone faces: anytime we have a problem, the first thing we do is try to jump to a solution. For example, if I'm unhappy in life, I think I need to make more money; if I'm struggling with dating, I feel I need to be sexier. This is a concept that I call toxic fuel, and it will never work. If I give you a glass of water and then I contaminate it, adding sugar does not remove the contamination. No amount of building something good will remove something bad.

In order to change behavior, what you need to do is save. Dr. K, a Harvard-trained psychiatrist and former monk, specializes in modern mental health by blending neuroscience with real-life wisdom to help millions of people unlock their true potential. There is a loneliness epidemic, social anxiety is increasing, and falling in love seems harder than ever. However, we have all the answers; the problem is that everyone is doing the wrong things.

First of all, talking about our problems can absolutely make things worse because there is a particular way we have to talk, but we're not taught how to do that. The second issue is that we are struggling to fall in love, which is actually because we are exhausting our dopamine through things like devices. People don't realize that social anxiety is exacerbated because everyone is texting, causing the parts of our brain that reassure us in social situations to start to rust. Therefore, there are core things that we have to start doing.

Dr. K explains that there are two kinds of people in life: those who advance towards their goals and the rest of us who try to emulate these productive individuals but end up doing nothing. Trauma is the big difference here.

Now, here’s a question: if you could sit at a table with any four guests from the D CEO community, who would you choose? Here’s a challenge for the entire D CEO community: if we hit 10 million subscribers by the end of 2024, you will get to pick four guests for your dream conversation. You can make it weird or wonderful. The best part is that 3,000 of you who subscribe will be invited to join this conversation live, in person, and for free. Subscribe now and let’s make this happen!

Transitioning back to Dr. K, if you had to summarize what you do for people professionally, how would you summarize it? He responds, "I help them understand themselves." Expanding on this, he explains that there are two great traditions that have taught us about how humans work: one is spirituality, which has been around for a couple of thousand years, and the other is science, which has seen an explosion of knowledge, especially in the fields of neuroscience and psychiatry over the last 20 years.

When Dr. K works with someone, he tries to draw on both of these traditions, focusing particularly on the area of spirituality that has scientific verification. He teaches people how they work. In the same way that when you buy a car, you have a manual in the glove compartment that tells you what everything is and how it works, the problem in life is that we don’t have that manual for ourselves. However, we do have these two great traditions that can teach us so much about this.

Dr. K aims to translate these two traditions to the individual, considering the situations they face, the challenges they encounter, and the goals they want to achieve. He draws on various experiences to arrive at the conclusions and support he provides. The first experience he references is his own. He struggled a lot in high school and college, even failing out and becoming addicted to video games, all while having no idea what he wanted to do with his life.

At the age of 21, he went to India to find himself and spent about seven years studying to become a monk. This experience was very formative in helping him understand how human beings work. However, he was also skeptical about a lot of that knowledge, which led him to conduct neuroscience research for a couple of years. After having several spiritual experiences, he became curious about what was happening in the brain as he began to change as a human being. He realized that these changes had to be understood at a neuroscientific level as well. Eventually, he went to medical school, contemplating how he could integrate all these insights into his practice.

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Understanding the difference between being unhappy and being clinically depressed can change your life.

Many patients have you seen? The first experience that I draw on is my own. I struggled a lot in high school and college, even failing out of college. I was addicted to video games and had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. Then, at the age of 21, I went to India to find myself, and I found myself. I spent about seven years studying to become a monk, which was very formative in helping me see how human beings work. However, I was also kind of skeptical about a lot of that stuff.

To explore my curiosity, I started doing neuroscience research for a couple of years. During that time, I had a couple of spiritual experiences and became super curious about what was happening in the brain. I realized I was starting to change as a human being, and I felt that there had to be a neuroscientific explanation for that change. Eventually, I ended up going to medical school, thinking about how I could learn the most about human beings. I considered doing a PhD in neuroscience but ultimately chose the medical route because, after all, the brain exists within the body.

I became a doctor and then a psychiatrist because the mind was my favorite organ. I trained at Harvard Medical School, where I was faculty for a few years. Over the last couple of years, I have focused a lot on addiction psychiatry and performance-based issues. For example, I once had a patient who came in after about two and a half years and said, "Dr. K, I'm still depressed." I assessed them, and when someone has a mood disorder like depression, it often causes problems in their professional and personal lives. I asked them, "Are you having problems in your professional life?" They replied no. I then asked, "Are you having problems in your personal life?" Again, they said no. But they still felt the same.

That's when I told them, "Mike, you're not depressed; you're unhappy, and there's a difference." He turned to me and asked, "Well, what do we do about that?" I replied, "I don't know, but let's see if we can figure it out." The work that I do focuses on that whole continuum of pathology. Something within you is broken, but going from negative 100 to zero is what medicine does. A doctor is not going to help you become healthy; they are going to remove sickness. Then, going from zero to positive 100 is where we really draw on things like spiritual traditions.

For instance, meditation, as taught by the Buddha, was not used to treat social anxiety disorder; he was using mindfulness to attain enlightenment and the heights of human perfection. That whole continuum is where I work.

It's interesting that you mentioned the case of Mike, who self-diagnosed his situation. I'm not surprised, frankly, because of the world we live in now. There are many people calling a lot of things depression and anxiety. We tend to use that word quite flippantly when we go through different moods and situations. How do you think the whole mental health and psychology revolution we've seen over the last 10 years, particularly the "TikTok-ification" of mental health, has led us astray?

I think there are some good things about it and some problematic aspects. The positive side is that there is now a lot more awareness of mental health. People realize that what I used to see about 10 years ago—when patients would come in not recognizing that their issues could be fixed—has changed. They would say things like, "I'm a loser. Other people are able to get out of bed, have discipline, be productive, and be happy, but I'm a loser. I have no willpower; I'm pathetic." They didn't realize that this was depression.

I've worked with many people who have adult diagnoses of ADHD, which, many years ago, could only be diagnosed in children. Now, I think the best thing is that people recognize that what is wrong with them is not a fundamental flaw; rather, there is some kind of process going on in my brain and mind that is responsible for my problems. If I fix that, then I can be well.

On the flip side, what has started to happen is that no one on the internet understands the concept of differential diagnosis. Everyone is saying, "Oh, I have a TikTok that says if you sometimes forget your keys, you have ADHD. If you are happy in the morning on Saturday, you have ADHD. If you have a kid who throws temper tantrums, they're bipolar." So, everyone is taking a symptom and jumping to conclusions without proper understanding.

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The key to real change lies not in external fixes but in understanding and mastering your internal self.

Adult ADHD was once primarily recognized as a pediatric diagnosis, making it difficult for adults to receive appropriate diagnoses. However, the positive shift is that people are beginning to understand that their struggles may not indicate that they are fundamentally broken. Instead, there might be a process occurring in their brains or minds that is responsible for their problems. By addressing these underlying issues, individuals can work towards feeling better.

On the flip side, a significant issue has emerged with the rise of social media, particularly on platforms like TikTok. Many people lack an understanding of the concept of differential diagnosis. For instance, if someone forgets their keys, they may immediately assume they have ADHD, or if a child throws temper tantrums, they might be labeled as bipolar. This tendency to jump to conclusions based on isolated symptoms can lead to misunderstandings. In medical training, a substantial portion of what we learn revolves around differential diagnosis, which emphasizes that there can be multiple reasons for a single symptom. For example, losing keys could be attributed to various factors such as depression, trauma, ADHD, anemia, or obstructive sleep apnea. Therefore, the rush to conclusions on the internet can create significant problems, as these assumptions may not reflect the true underlying issues.

We previously discussed the differences in how men and women experience and are understood in the world. Since our last conversation, my thoughts on this topic have evolved. For men who are struggling today, there is a common assumption that the solution lies in fixing something external. If a man is not making enough money, he might think he needs to pursue additional certifications or become more productive. This mindset is influenced by both societal conditioning and possibly biological factors, leading men to focus on external solutions rather than internal ones.

However, I have learned that 90% of what men need to do to improve their lives is internal. Unfortunately, many men are not taught how to engage in this internal work. They often seek validation through external achievements, such as acquiring a flashy car or enhancing their physical appearance. Yet, the most significant changes come from within. For example, research shows that the top 1% of earners have a lower IQ than the top 10%, but they possess a much higher emotional intelligence (EQ). This indicates that the ability to control oneself is vastly underestimated.

In my work with men, I focus on this internal development, and the results can be remarkable. For instance, I worked with a 32-year-old man who began using drugs at 13, primarily opiates and heroin. By the age of 32, he was unemployed and living with his girlfriend, struggling with addiction. However, within four years, he transformed his life: he became a therapist, secured a stable income, got married, and even published his first dystopian fiction novel. This transformation was largely due to the internal work he undertook, which involved understanding how he functions and learning self-control.

When considering whether this internal work applies to women as well, I have encountered many women facing similar struggles. Although they may not be dealing with substance abuse, they often find themselves far from their goals, feeling lonely, unhealthy, and out of control. While I have worked with numerous women experiencing these challenges, it’s important to note that, on average, there tends to be more variance among women than among men.

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Understanding yourself is the first step to real change; before seeking solutions, ask yourself why you are the way you are.

Fulfilling relationships and jobs, and all of that work, is fundamentally about understanding the way that you work and the way that your brain functions. It involves learning how to control yourself.

Is that the same for women, though? I have women friends who are the same age and are really struggling. They are not doing heroin or drugs or anything like that, but the objective situation of their lives is that they are so far from all of their goals. They feel lonely, unhealthy, and seemingly out of control.

Yes, I have worked with plenty of women for whom that is a problem as well. However, I think if we look at it on average, we must remember that within any population of men and women, there tends to be more variance among women than there is between men and women. So, while this is absolutely the case for a lot of women, I think the big difference is that many of the tools we have were designed with women in mind. A great example of this is psychotherapy or talk therapy.

If you look at the gold standard of how we process our emotions, it is verbally. Studies show that estrogen has a very significant effect on awareness of your internal emotional state and the ability to articulate that state. As estrogen rises, women literally feel emotions more intensely. This is why women may experience problems like premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMS); during hormonal fluctuations, they feel emotions in a more intense way due to changes in their estrogen levels.

This is a scientific fact; it is neither good nor bad, just a reality. The higher your estrogen is, the more emotional awareness you will have. There are biological factors at play, but there is also the conditioning that women undergo. They are often conditioned to be good listeners and to provide emotional support for the men around them. As a result, they tend to be better at verbal fluency. For instance, studies show that girls at the age of eight have a higher level of verbal fluency than boys.

Many aspects of our mental health system rely on being aware of and able to articulate emotions using words to process them. Therefore, women can learn more about themselves, and I believe that 99% of human beings on the planet, myself included, can benefit from this self-awareness. This is why women make up 70% of patients who seek psychotherapy, and even 70% of therapists are women. There is a very clear gender gap in the field of mental health.

Going back to the crux of the issue, it is not about being able to control oneself; rather, it is about not understanding yourself. Good diagnosis precedes good treatment, and control comes later. So, the first step is to understand yourself.

In the case of the gentleman you mentioned, who was a heroin addict with poly-substance abuse issues, how did he go about understanding himself? I think the best place to start, and I know this may sound simple, is to look at yourself. When we encounter problems, our instinct is often to jump to solutions. For example, if I am unhappy in life, I might think I need to make more money. If I am struggling with dating, I might feel I need to get a better job or be sexier.

We tend to jump to solutions without first examining ourselves. The first thing you need to do is slow down and look at yourself. There are a couple of things that many people miss. The first is understanding what drives a lot of their behaviors. We often focus on fixing a behavior, like using heroin, but we don’t ask ourselves, “Why am I using heroin in the first place?” Understanding the drive behind the behavior is the key question.

It is not about how you need to change; it is about why am I the way that I am. This is where many people make a simple mistake. The majority of people I talk to, when they look at themselves, do not engage in critical thinking. Instead, they often make some kind of conclusion, such as “I’m lazy.” But think about what that means. Laziness, for instance, is not a tangible thing; there is no specific "laziness circuit" in the brain that can be measured.

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Understanding the "why" behind our behaviors is the key to real change, not just fixing the symptoms.

Many people often overlook the underlying motivations that drive their behaviors. For instance, when addressing issues like heroin use, the focus tends to be on fixing the behavior itself rather than understanding the deeper question: why am I using heroin in the first place? This inquiry is crucial because it shifts the perspective from merely changing behavior to exploring the reasons behind one's actions.

A common mistake people make is to label themselves as lazy without critically examining what that truly means. Laziness, in fact, is not a measurable trait; there is no specific laziness circuit in the brain. Instead, behaviors such as motivation, discipline, follow-through, and willpower are discrete functions within our brains. By asking ourselves why we feel lazy and examining our motivation and willpower, we can begin to uncover the true answers to our struggles.

Research supports this approach, particularly through techniques like motivational interviewing. This method emphasizes that to change behavior, one does not need to be convinced of anything; rather, they need to gain understanding. For example, if I tell someone, "Hey Stephen, don't touch that pan; it's hot," they may not heed my warning. However, if they touch the pan and burn themselves, their behavior will change naturally. Experience is a powerful teacher, yet many people attempt to solve their problems through information instead. They might think, "I have a problem; let me buy a book or listen to a podcast." Despite the vast amount of information available, many remain stagnant and do not implement any changes.

This phenomenon can be attributed to a complex psychological issue. There exists a certain type of individual who is a self-development junkie; they attend conferences, watch videos, and know all the terminology but fail to take action. Engaging in self-help activities can often serve as a coping mechanism for underlying negativity. For instance, if someone feels lazy, their mind might suggest they need to take action. However, the brain, which has evolved to be efficient, often opts for the easier route. It might consider, "I could go to the gym, or I could watch a video about working out." Watching a video feels productive, but it often leads to a false sense of progress without actual change.

On the topic of psychotherapy, there is a debate about its effectiveness, particularly for men. A recent clip featured an author discussing the idea that talking about our problems can sometimes make them worse. This assertion holds some truth. While there is a common belief that discussing problems leads to improvement, specific conditions must be met for this to occur. One critical element is emotional catharsis, which refers to a breakthrough moment in therapy where intense emotions are released. Freud described this phenomenon, indicating that it is essential for addressing dormant issues effectively.

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Talking about problems can sometimes make them worse; it's not just about venting—true healing comes from experiencing emotions deeply, not just airing them out.

Recent discussions have emerged suggesting that talking about our problems can make them worse. This raises an important question: is this true? In fact, it can be. Talking about our problems can absolutely make things worse if not approached correctly.

To understand this better, we need to address a common assumption—that talking about your problems inherently makes them better. However, there are specific conditions that must be met for discussing problems to lead to positive outcomes. The most crucial of these is something called emotional catharsis. This term refers to a breakthrough moment in therapy, where intense emotions that have been dormant come to the surface. Freud even described this phenomenon, highlighting that it is not merely about venting.

Emotional catharsis involves experiencing our problems in a different way, akin to touching a hot pan—it's painful but necessary for healing. For instance, when working with a trauma survivor, the goal is not just to talk about the trauma but to delve deeper and facilitate an emotionally healing experience.

The real issue arises when individuals use therapy as a venting session. While venting can reduce negative emotions in the short term, it has its drawbacks. If we consider the neuroscience behind venting, we find that it can diminish our drive to change. Negative emotions serve as signals; for example, fear warns us of impending danger, while loneliness signals a need for connection.

When we vent and eliminate our negative emotional energy, we inadvertently remove the motivation for change. This is a critical point: the primary motivator for change is often negative emotion. The amygdala, which is closely linked to the hippocampus (the area responsible for learning and memory), plays a significant role in this process. We learn most effectively through negative emotions.

For instance, if someone has been happily married for 15 years and experiences infidelity, the negative emotions stemming from that incident can serve as a powerful motivator for change. Unfortunately, many people mistakenly believe that getting rid of negative emotions is the solution. This misunderstanding can hinder their ability to motivate themselves effectively.

I have encountered this issue frequently in my practice. For example, a client named Mike would come in and talk about his problems, but after several months, it became clear that he was not getting better. As a trainee, I questioned whether our sessions were truly helping him. Despite his belief that simply discussing his problems was beneficial, it was evident that venting alone is not psychotherapy.

In fact, merely reducing negative emotional energy can keep individuals stuck in their current situations. Observing people in our lives, we may notice those who constantly complain or vent without taking any steps to change their circumstances. With the rise of social media, this behavior has been further reinforced, leading to what I term deficiency promotion. This phenomenon highlights the need for a more constructive approach to discussing our problems, one that fosters genuine emotional healing and motivation for change.

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Venting about your problems can keep you stuck; true growth comes from taking action, not just sharing your struggles.

In a recent discussion, I reflected on the nature of psychotherapy and the common misconception that simply venting about one's problems constitutes effective therapy. I was a second-year psychiatry resident when I realized that merely coming in and talking about my issues wasn't helping. My therapist confirmed this, leading me to conclude that we needed to explore alternative approaches. Coming in and just venting is not actually psychotherapy.

I observed that talking about your problems and reducing your negative emotional energy can actually keep you stuck. If you pay attention to people in your life, you'll notice that some individuals are constantly complaining and venting without taking any steps to change their circumstances. This phenomenon has been exacerbated by the advent of social media, which has given rise to what I refer to as deficiency promotion.

There are essentially two ways to build an audience or a personal brand: idea promotion, where one shares their thoughts and ideas, and deficiency promotion, which focuses on showcasing one's inadequacies. It's interesting, albeit somewhat toxic, that one can build an entire audience around their perceived flaws and shortcomings. This often leads to a situation where individuals become trapped in their narratives of inadequacy, which can inadvertently become their profession. I frequently caution my friends about the dangers of deficiency promotion, as it can create a revenue stream that ultimately keeps them stuck in a cycle of negativity.

In discussing this, I noted that there is a significant amount of empathic resonance among individuals who feel broken. While this connection can be comforting, it can also lead to feelings of isolation, as those who feel broken might perceive themselves as separate from others who seem to be thriving. It's all about belonging at the end of the day. Many people would rather be broken with someone than be broken and alone.

We also touched on the role of dopamine in our lives. As we discussed at the beginning, gaining control can be challenging due to the dopamine roller coaster many of us experience. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that plays a crucial role in various brain functions, including smooth movement. For instance, Parkinson's disease is characterized by a deficiency of dopamine, which affects motor control.

While dopamine is essential and contributes to pleasure and behavioral reinforcement, I believe there is often an oversimplification of its role in our lives. In my clinical experience, I've observed an inverse relationship between dopamine and serotonin. While dopamine provides a sense of pleasure, it does not necessarily lead to contentment. Many individuals chase dopamine through high-adrenaline activities or substance use, yet these pursuits often leave them feeling unfulfilled. I have encountered numerous millionaire playboys in my practice who exemplify this phenomenon, having achieved external success but lacking internal satisfaction.

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Chasing dopamine might feel good in the moment, but true contentment comes from serotonin.

There’s almost like too much of an emphasis on dopamine, and we oversimplify the problem when we focus too much on it. I'll give you a really simple example of that. In my clinical experience, it's almost like dopamine and serotonin have an inverse relationship. Dopamine is what gives us a sense of pleasure; it also provides behavioral reinforcement. However, while dopamine gives us pleasure, it will not give us contentment.

I have had plenty of patients who chase dopamine. We know that activities such as partying a lot, using a lot of drugs, and engaging in high adrenaline activities all activate your dopamine system, but they don't usually leave people feeling fulfilled and contented at the end of it. I've had plenty of millionaire playboys in my practice who have tried to find happiness and maximize pleasure in their lives, and it doesn't work; it's never going to work. The problem with this is that our brain has a principle of tolerance. The more you activate your dopaminergic system, the more tolerance you will develop to it. This is why people need higher doses of drugs to achieve the same goal.

For example, when you first play a video game, it is a lot of fun, but after five, six, or eight hours, it becomes less and less enjoyable. Then, you have older gamers like myself who are still chasing the beauty in the high of the games we used to play when we were kids. Dopamine is almost like a scam neurotransmitter because it offers you pleasure temporarily but in an unsustainable way.

On the flip side, we have serotonin, which is associated more with contentment and peace. When we look at mood disorders, oftentimes, what we're doing is improving the serotonin level and boosting serotonin transmission in the brain. Peace and contentment are very different from pleasure, and these two things are almost inversely proportional. It’s really interesting to look at something like orgasm, which serves as a great example of this.

When you have an orgasm, you get a spurt of dopamine, and you feel a ton of pleasure. After your orgasm, you actually get a rise in serotonin, which makes you feel incredibly contented. The fascinating aspect is that if your serotonin levels are high, you won’t feel horny. We know this because if we give someone serotonergic medication to boost serotonin transmission, one of the side effects is anorgasmia; you can't have an orgasm, and you also aren't as sexually interested. This is one of the primary reasons why my patients on serotonergic medication often complain about sexual side effects.

If we think about the neurotransmitters involved, when we boost serotonin, we also see this in monks who are super content and peaceful, and they aren't very sexually driven. So, if we consider it, peace, happiness, and contentment in life come from serotonin, while dopamine is actually kind of the opposite. Monks aren’t thrill chasers; they’re able to develop this internal sense of contentment.

Dopamine is absolutely a part of the problem; it’s a very important part of the problem, but I think that it’s just one piece in a larger whole. This leads us to the question: does this explain why people’s sex lives typically get worse when they’re comfortable and married? Absolutely. It’s amazing how much science can tell us about the formation of relationships and falling in love that we just don’t apply.

Being attracted, falling in love, and developing a relationship can be discreetly described neuroscientifically. Being attracted actually starts in the thalamus, which is our sensory organ of the brain and acts as the sensory gateway. It interprets a lot of sensory stimuli. When I first meet someone, I might think, “Oh, they look really good,” or “They smell great,” or “Their laugh is beautiful.” The initial stages of attraction are all about sensory input.

Now, what’s really interesting is that falling in love is actually very dopaminergic. This is one of the reasons why I think we’re seeing declining birth rates. Nowadays, if you talk to people, it’s hard to fall in love. Everyone is dating and going out on dates, but falling in love seems harder, and that’s actually because of dopamine.

If you look at the phase of falling in love, it involves a dopaminergic connection. A great example of this is if we’re going to dinner, and I put my hand out for someone to hold.

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To truly connect and fall in love, unplug from distractions and recharge your dopamine levels.

I feel physically attracted to them; they smell great, and their laugh is beautiful. So, the initial stages of attraction are all about sensory input. Now, what happens next is really interesting. Falling in love is actually very dopaminergic. This is one of the reasons why I think we're seeing declining birth rates. If you talk to people nowadays, it's hard to fall in love. Everyone's dating and going out on dates, but falling in love seems harder, and that's actually because of dopamine.

When we look at the phase of falling in love, it involves a dopaminergic connection. A great example of this is if we're going to dinner, and I put my hand out for someone to hold. While we're gazing into each other's eyes and holding hands, we feel in love. People in love experience a dopaminergic high because that's literally what's going on. However, if you go to a restaurant and people-watch, you'll often see two people on a date, both on their phones.

What's starting to happen is that we are developing a dopaminergic tolerance through devices, which is exhausting our dopamine. This is something that a lot of people don't understand: we run out of dopamine because we're using these devices, and then we have none left to fall in love. Later in relationships, the dynamics shift to being more serotonergic in nature, where it's not as much about pleasure but about connection and other aspects.

So, what does this mean if I'm single and looking to find love? This is where we have to start with diagnosis before solutions. The first question is: do you have trouble falling in love? Many people who are single express that they don't feel anything or a connection. This is something I've heard so much from our community and patients: "I just don't feel a connection." They seem great on paper, but there's a lack of emotional connection.

There's actually neuroscience behind forming a connection. The first question I ask people is, "Do you feel like you just can't feel an emotional connection to people?" If so, what you need to do is reduce your dopamine activation through things like cell phones. We also see this with pornography, which correlates with unhappiness in relationships, likely due to a dopaminergic effect.

To improve your chances of falling in love, play fewer video games and be on your phone less, especially before a date. You want to give your dopamine a chance to recharge. For instance, going for a walk for about an hour before a date can significantly enhance your brain's capacity to engage and fall in love. The more you limit dopaminergic activity before the date, the easier it will be for you to actually fall in love.

Am I right in thinking, from what you said, that dopamine is required for us to initiate sex and want to have sex? The answer is yes and no. Dopamine is not actually required to initiate sex. It's fascinating because every circuit and neurotransmitter is involved in love. Dopamine gives us the pleasure of orgasm, but initiating sex is somewhat different for men and women.

For example, women often say that foreplay is really important, while men may feel they don't need as much of it. To develop an erection, you actually need activation of the parasympathetic nervous system, which is involved in rest and digest. This is why men can experience morning wood. When we wake up in the morning, we may not feel particularly aroused, but there's a physiological reason behind it.

When we're relaxed, we can develop an erection. The sexual act then involves a transition to the sympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for the fight-or-flight response. We want to be relaxed first, and then as we become aroused, our heart rate increases, blood pressure rises, and we start to sweat. This is an important aspect that many men may not fully understand.

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Relaxation is the secret ingredient to arousal; when stress fades, attraction ignites. Understanding this can transform your relationships.

The activation of the parasympathetic nervous system is crucial as it is the part of our nervous system that involves rest and digest. This physiological response explains why many men experience morning wood; when they wake up, they may not necessarily feel aroused, but they do develop an erection due to relaxation. The process of developing an erection involves relaxation, while the sexual act transitions to the sympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for the fight or flight response.

To engage in sexual activity, it is essential to start from a relaxed state. As arousal increases, one may notice physiological changes such as sweating, increased heart rate, and elevated blood pressure. This aspect of the nervous system operates differently for men and women. Women also require activation of the parasympathetic nervous system before they can engage the sympathetic nervous system. Activities such as massage, making out, or playful interactions can help activate the parasympathetic system. It is important for individuals to feel safe and relaxed before progressing to more explicit sexual activities.

I have personally found that I am most aroused when I am not stressed. For instance, if it’s a Friday night and I return home late after a long week, I typically do not feel aroused. However, once I have had time to relax over the weekend, my arousal increases. This highlights a misunderstanding between men and women regarding arousal; we often experience it in different ways.

This misunderstanding contributes to many relationship issues. Women may be labeled as ice queens or accused of being unwilling to engage sexually, while men may be seen as overly focused on sex. However, understanding the physiological responses of both genders reveals that the differences between us are less significant than our similarities.

For example, when it comes to creating romantic attraction on a first date, there is substantial neuroscience data that suggests many people are approaching dating incorrectly. Dates often turn into interviews, where individuals feel pressured to assess compatibility through a series of questions about future plans, such as having children or travel preferences. This approach can create stress, which negatively impacts one’s ability to be open and receptive.

Expectations, whether in the bedroom or during a date, can lead to stress. For instance, if it’s Thursday and there’s an expectation to engage in sexual activity, this can create pressure. However, if both partners have been looking forward to this moment after a week apart, it can be a wonderful experience. The key takeaway is that attraction is not solely about whether sex will happen; it is about being on the same page with your partner.

A fascinating study explored the dynamics of first dates on bridges, illustrating how the environment and context can influence attraction and connection.

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Attraction thrives on shared emotions; it's not about the setting, but the connection we create together.

Interesting, right? So, like, I know it sounds kind of weird, but let's use your example. If it's Thursday and we're going to [] tonight, that can be stressful. Or, like, I don't know if you've been in a relationship like this, but it can be awesome, right? So, like, if I haven't seen you all week and you haven't seen me all week, and it's Thursday, and this is the time we've set aside, and like we're finally meeting, and we both are like, "we're going to [] tonight," then it's great. You know what I mean? Or not so much, or I don't know, yeah, right?

So, like, this is the key thing that a lot of people don't understand: attraction is not about whether we're going to have sex tonight or not. It's that you and I need to be on the same page. There's a really fascinating study that looked at first dates on bridges. Okay, so one bridge is a stone bridge, and one bridge is a rickety wooden bridge that's wobbly. What the study found is that when you have a date on a stone bridge, people feel less attracted to each other than when they're on a rickety bridge.

Now, what's the difference? On the rickety bridge, I'm a little bit scared, and you're a little bit scared. So, what really is the foundation of romantic attraction? It's actually empathic resonance. When I feel the same things that you feel, when we both feel it—it doesn't even have to be good; it can be negative things, it can be good things—we just need to both be feeling the same thing. That's what creates attraction.

This is also why people fall in love in rehab. Literally, at the rehabs that I've worked at, we have to almost have a rule: we can't technically control them, but we're like, "hey, no [__] in rehab." This is going to be important because people will trauma bond. We're sharing all of this deep emotional stuff; you can be honest, you can be authentic, and there's someone else in the group who's also honest and authentic, and you feel connected. What is the nature of that connection? It's shared empathic resonance.

One of the biggest things that I tell people who are struggling to succeed in dating is: what are the emotions that you're bringing to the table? What are the emotions they're bringing to the table? If those emotions are not aligned, how can you do some kind of experience that creates an emotion? This is also where movies aren't necessarily good or bad. The question is: do you guys like the same kind of movies? If you both like the same kind of movies and you both laugh a lot, that's a great date. You don't need to talk; you just need empathic resonance. So whatever you can do to get empathic resonance will create a connection.

My brain went in two directions then. The first question that popped into my head was about the role oxytocin plays in all of that. I've heard about this chemical called oxytocin, which is there to help us bond, etc. I remember Simon Sinek saying to me that when cities have earthquakes, it's crazy how much the city comes together, and he pointed to oxytocin as much the reason for that sort of shared struggle. Thinking about your rickety bridge scenario, life sometimes becomes a rickety bridge, and people bond because of that.

So, should I be taking my dates to theme parks, for example, to terrify the [__] out of them? Or what? Only if you're equally terrified! Okay, so that's why it's so important for you to figure out: what is something that is going to give us a shared emotional experience? Ah, okay, we've got to both have the same emotion. Absolutely. So if I'm not scared by it and she's terrified, then that's generally speaking not good.

Now, there are other versions of that. For example, you can demonstrate caring. If I'm terrified and you take care of me, then that can feel good in a different way. But generally speaking, what gets us like, "I'm into this person," is that we feel an emotional connection. That's what I'm like into this person. The nature of the emotional connection is shared emotion.

So, oxytocin is another phase of the relationship. Oxytocin forms emotional bonds. When we feel like—this is what's so interesting—there are different parts of the brain and different neurotransmitters. Oxytocin is what we get from cuddling, from different kinds of touch. Something like a massage can form oxytocin; hugging, holding hands—all this kind of stuff triggers oxytocin, and oxytocin will form an emotional bond and alleviate feelings of loneliness.

I think one of the reasons that men are so lonely now is because we don't feel bonded to each other. So, oxytocin is more about forming emotional bonds. The other way my brain went when we were talking about that is a question I've asked a lot of sex therapists.

=> 00:40:59

Emotional connection is the secret sauce for intimacy; whether spontaneous or scheduled, it's all about activating those feelings together.

Shared emotion is a crucial aspect of relationships, and oxytocin plays a significant role in forming emotional bonds. This hormone is released during activities such as cuddling, hugging, and holding hands, as well as through various forms of touch like massages. These interactions trigger oxytocin release, which can alleviate feelings of loneliness. I believe one of the reasons that men are experiencing increased loneliness today is due to a lack of bonding with each other. Thus, oxytocin is more about forming emotional bonds.

This brings me to a question I have frequently posed to sex therapists: Should we be scheduling sex? This inquiry diverges from our initial topic, but it's relevant. Based on what you mentioned about Thursday night date nights, I find it interesting that when I ask sex experts this question, their responses often split into two camps. One group advocates for scheduling sex, while the other passionately argues against it, claiming that it kills spontaneity.

This situation exemplifies how our understanding of physiology and neuroscience can influence the answer to this question. Yes, you can schedule sex, but it’s essential to consider whether this approach might diminish some degree of spontaneity. So, what is it about spontaneity that makes sex enjoyable?

Spontaneous sex is exciting and novel. However, if your partner is not equally excited, the experience may not be fulfilling. Many couples report that their sex lives suffer because they have become boring and predictable. The element of spontaneity introduces surprise and intrigue, which can enhance emotional connection.

To illustrate this point, consider the analogy of watching a movie. For instance, if I watch The Pursuit of Happyness for the first time, I will likely feel profound emotions. However, the emotional impact diminishes with each subsequent viewing. This phenomenon occurs because, as we become more accustomed to something, our emotional responses can change.

The challenge with non-spontaneous sex is that it can lead to a lack of emotional activation. This emotional connection is vital for attraction. When discussing whether couples should engage in certain behaviors, it is essential to understand the underlying mechanisms at play. If we can activate these mechanisms effectively, the relationship can thrive.

The issue with spontaneity arises when one partner desires spontaneous sex while the other does not. In such cases, emotional disconnection may occur, even if one partner accommodates the other. The added element of spontaneity enhances emotional connection.

When working with patients who exhibit exhibitionistic tendencies—such as those who enjoy having sex in public places—it's important to recognize that this behavior often stems from a desire for emotional resonance. Engaging in such activities can activate emotions for both partners, which is why they might pursue it.

If scheduled sex is on the table, it doesn’t necessarily kill the spark; it just requires a different approach to activate the emotional connection. For instance, activating the parasympathetic nervous system through shared experiences can be beneficial. Engaging in emotionally resonant activities, like watching a movie together, can enhance the emotional bond, making the transition to sex more natural and enjoyable.

I have a friend who has been trying for a baby...

=> 00:44:45

Emotional resonance is the secret ingredient to keeping the spark alive in long-term relationships. Prioritize connection, and the rest will follow.

The way it's going to activate my partner emotionally is crucial; this is why we do it. It all comes down to emotional resonance. The second thing to consider is that if you're going to have scheduled sex, that’s still fine too. Spontaneous sex is great, but scheduling doesn’t kill the spark; you just need to figure out how to activate it properly. This is where the activation of the parasympathetic nervous system comes into play. You can do something like give them a massage, or even better, the sex should come after some kind of emotional resonance. For instance, let's go out and watch a movie together or let's do something that we both find emotionally engaging. Once you're emotionally connected, the sex will be a lot easier.

I have a friend who has been trying for a baby. By the way, I’m trying for a baby as well, but this is not about me; it’s about him. He lives in America and has just received the news that he’s having a baby, which makes me very happy for him. I saw him recently and asked him about the process of timing sex around his partner's cycle. They had been trying for three years to have a baby, which made it increasingly more difficult due to all of the complicated emotions involved. He said to me, "Honestly, bro, sometimes we were having to have sex like three or four times a day." I was taken aback and asked how he managed to keep an emotional connection when it became a job. He admitted, "I really struggled; I’d lose my erection all the time." He mentioned that he was having sex 40 to 50 times a month, and it felt like he was being ordered to have sex during specific days. This is perhaps the extreme case of total dissipation of emotional resonance as it relates to sex.

On the other end of the spectrum is the experience of pursuing someone for the first time, perhaps a stranger. The challenge for people in their relationships is figuring out how to maintain that emotional resonance. A significant part of the answer lies in the fact that many people don’t realize how boredom can creep into their sexual lives. Some couples get married and continue to have healthy sex lives well into their 70s. One of the craziest things I encountered in med school was the realization that when I meet a 70-year-old, sexual health counseling is often overlooked. It's one of the biggest mistakes we make as doctors. In retirement communities, for instance, no one worries about getting pregnant, yet outbreaks of syphilis and gonorrhea can tear through the community. It’s crazy, but sexual desire doesn’t necessarily decrease with age.

So, the question becomes: how do you maintain a healthy sexual relationship over time? At the very beginning, there are factors like thalamic inputs—what you see can arouse you. There’s a certain amount of novelty that brings new emotions. However, as time passes, the emotional connection to familiar experiences, like watching the same movie, diminishes. Couples who successfully maintain their sexual relationship over time do so by continuing to bond over new experiences. Having kids is a great example; it can destroy your sex drive for a certain period—averaging around two years. Yet, even within that time, there are moments where you forget how good sex with your partner can be. Then, when the stars align, you have sex, and it’s incredibly fantastic, leading to the realization that you should do it more often.

Over time, it’s essential to lean into that shared emotional connection. For instance, I had a moment where I thought, "I can’t believe our kids finally got over their fever, and now they’re relaxing and going to sleep." Then, at 2 a.m., you wake up, and it’s going to be great. As long as you maintain that bond, it’s totally fine. When we think about the mechanisms in neuroscience that drive our behavior, the question remains: how do we keep the relationship thriving, even in platonic relationships?

=> 00:48:24

To keep your relationships thriving, prioritize real connections over screens; your brain grows stronger with use, just like your muscles.

In relationships, there are moments when the stars align, and you share an intimate experience with your partner that is incredibly fantastic. This often leads to the realization that we should do that more. Over time, it becomes essential to lean into that shared emotional connection. For instance, after a long day, you might find relief when your kids finally settle down, and you think, “Oh my God, I can’t believe that our kids finally like, the fever’s gone, they’re relaxing, we’re going to sleep.” This shared experience reinforces the bond between partners.

When considering how to keep a relationship thriving, whether it is platonic or romantic, it is important to understand the mechanisms in Neuroscience that drive our behavior. Many people struggle with loneliness, often attributing it to modern lifestyles dominated by screens and social media. However, it is enlightening to recognize that certain mechanisms in smartphones and social media can inhibit our ability to form and maintain relationships.

There are two main aspects to consider: first, how technology negatively impacts our relationships, and second, how to maintain a healthy relationship over time. This distinction is crucial, as it helps us understand both the barriers to connection and the strategies for nurturing our relationships.

Technology contributes to social skills atrophy and a deconditioning of certain parts of the brain. It is important to note that, unlike inanimate objects that deteriorate with use, the human brain does not wear out; rather, it rusts due to inactivity. This inactivity can lead to significant problems. For example, studies on dementia prevention show that encouraging neuroplasticity—such as learning to play the piano at the age of 60—can protect against cognitive decline. Thus, utilizing our brains is essential for their strength and growth.

In terms of communication, it is fascinating to realize that words constitute only 25 to 50% of communication. Non-verbal cues such as body language and tone play a significant role. For instance, one can enter a room and sense tension without hearing a single word. Personal experiences, such as being bullied, illustrate how body language can convey messages even before words are spoken.

Moreover, in the context of video games, companies are beginning to ban players based on voice communication. They are measuring tone and volume to detect toxicity, as this is where negative communication often occurs. For example, a seemingly casual comment can carry a negative undertone depending on how it is expressed. This highlights a unique aspect of male communication, where negative expressions can sometimes serve as a form of positive affection.

In conclusion, understanding the dynamics of relationships, the impact of technology, and the importance of non-verbal communication can help individuals maintain strong and thriving connections, whether they are romantic or platonic.

=> 00:52:04

Our social skills are atrophying because we're losing touch with nonverbal communication, leading to increased social anxiety and loneliness.

In today's digital age, the use of language in gaming and communication has evolved significantly. For instance, if someone uses a racial slur in chat, the game is programmed to scan for that. However, people often find ways to circumvent these measures, such as using an at sign instead of an "A." This leads to a new challenge: measuring tone over voice communications. The volume of what you're saying is now a key factor in detecting toxicity. Toxicity often manifests in subtle ways; for example, saying, "Oh hey Stephen, you're a real loser," is different from saying, "Stephen, bro, you're such a loser, man, oh my God." The latter may sound negative but is often delivered in a playful tone, which can change its meaning entirely.

Interestingly, men often express negative expressions of positive affection. This means they might say negative things to show approval. For example, when a friend gets engaged, they might jokingly refer to it as the "old ball and chain," while everyone smiles and congratulates the couple. This highlights that much of our communication relies on tone, body language, and volume. However, with the rise of texting, our brains are beginning to lose the ability to interpret these nonverbal cues.

This shift contributes to a rise in social anxiety. The parts of our brain that help us feel reassured in social situations are starting to atrophy due to a lack of engagement with body language and tone. As a result, when we find ourselves in social settings, we may feel out of place or unwanted. For example, at a party, one might sit at the end of the table, feeling like they were invited out of politeness rather than genuine interest. If our brains were functioning optimally, we would be able to read nonverbal communication that reassures us of our place in social situations.

As we navigate these challenges, one might wonder if there is hope for future generations who have been connected from birth. Despite the increasing social anxiety and suicidality, I remain optimistic. We have the answers to address these issues; however, we have not been tackling them directly. Since my last visit, we have learned significantly more about social dynamics. For instance, the Surgeon General of the United States has released a bulletin on the loneliness epidemic, indicating that even the medical establishment recognizes loneliness as a pressing issue.

Many of the problems we face today, such as video game addiction and loneliness, have crept up on us because we haven't actively sought to address them. Now that we recognize these as significant issues, we can begin to devote resources to understanding and solving them. In our communities, we see that when we target a problem, people tend to improve. The challenge lies in the fact that we have not been actively fighting back against these issues.

Technology plays a significant role in this dynamic. We have been adept at creating new tools without fully understanding their long-term impacts. Often, the consequences of these technologies do not become apparent until decades later. Furthermore, the insidious nature of isolation means that many young men, for example, may never seek therapy or share their problems with others. They often lack the vocabulary to express their feelings, leading them to internalize their struggles and feel like "losers." This has resulted in a growing number of individuals facing these challenges alone, highlighting the urgent need for awareness and action.

=> 00:55:39

We're losing touch with our true selves as social media pulls our focus outward, feeding insecurity and narcissism instead of genuine confidence.

We were slow to recognize the consequences of our actions. We were really good at creating things without understanding what they would do to us, because the impact doesn't show its face for a couple of decades sometimes. Absolutely, there’s an even more insidious aspect to this situation. Since we are experiencing more isolation, we don’t see the impact of these changes. Literally, people are staying home, and the majority of young men, for example, won’t ever go to a therapist. This is why we can't help them with their problems; they won’t share their issues with others because, first of all, they don’t know how to, and secondly, they don’t even know what they’re feeling. Consequently, they just feel like they’re losers.

What we’ve started to see is that these problems have been developing for about 10 to 20 years, but they are now reaching a critical point where we are beginning to notice what’s going on. Are people becoming more narcissistic? Yes, they are. Absolutely. And what impact is that having? I don’t even know where to start. I think it’s affecting our relationships, our happiness, and our professional abilities.

I was thinking, is social media making us more narcissistic? Is that then driving us to be more lonely? If so, how do we first define the word narcissism in this context? I’m going to lean into a more yogic definition. We have this word in Sanskrit called ahamkara, where "aham" means ego. Ahamkara is your sense of self: "I am dot dot dot." For example, "I am tall," "I am short," "I am a doctor," "I am a father," "I am a winner," "I am a loser."

The first thing to understand about ego is that it is not a real thing; it is an abstraction. If you were to look at me and I say, "I am a doctor," I know this sounds kind of like a weird question, but is that true? What makes me a doctor? I can’t biopsy myself and find "doctor." You can’t find "doctor" anywhere within me. Being a doctor is based on having a piece of paper on a wall; that’s what makes me a doctor. I have a license to practice medicine, and that’s what makes me a doctor. It’s an abstraction, so it’s not a truth; it’s like a societal shared delusion that we all agree upon. Does that make sense? Yes, of course.

Now, what we also know from studies on narcissism is that it has its roots in insecurity. If you think about someone who is egotistical and confident, what’s the difference between the two? Confidence feels more secure, while egotistical behavior feels more insecure. Where does a confident person’s esteem come from? It comes from inside. Where does an egotistical person’s esteem come from? It comes from outside.

This is what social media is doing: it is externalizing our perception. If I think about it, a couple of thousand years ago, what was my mind focused on? I would go out to hunt, looking for an animal. I shoot a deer and then walk three hours back. For some amount of time, my mind is paying attention to the external environment, maybe talking with the people I’m hunting with, but what is there to say? I can’t talk to them for 10 hours a day; there’s no substance, no news. We are like this tribal community.

If you really look at the history of humanity, our perception has been internally focused at least 50% of the time. Literally, what we are paying attention to is our own thoughts, our own feelings, the voices, the desires, and the drives that come from within us. What technology has done is wholesale externalize our perception. I used to be an efficiency junkie. When I was in med school, I was going to be like Stephen, super efficient and successful. I was listening to a podcast in the morning about self-help, listening to lectures on my way to the subway, reading on the subway, and then paying attention in the classroom. My mind was constantly outside of me.

Social media exacerbates this issue because now we are doom scrolling, looking at what other people are doing. We are starting to exist outside of ourselves. Once we exist outside of ourselves, all of our esteem comes from the outside world because that’s where we are spending our time. As we become more externalized, we are becoming insecure. Where does confidence really come from? It doesn’t come from inside. This is a big mistake that a lot of people don’t realize. If you do really well and you don’t...

=> 00:59:44

True confidence comes from within, not from external validation or success. When we lose touch with ourselves, we become insecure and lonely, even in a crowd.

On my way to the subway, I was going to read and listen to a lecture on my way to the classroom. I planned to pay attention in the classroom and then do some test questions or whatever. However, my mind was constantly wandering outside of me. Social media makes this even worse because now we're doom scrolling, looking at what other people are doing. As a result, we are starting to exist outside of ourselves. Once we exist outside of ourselves, all of our self-esteem comes from the outside world, as that's where we're spending our time.

What’s happening is that as we become more externalized, we are becoming insecure. Where does confidence really come from? It doesn’t come from inside, which is a big mistake that a lot of people don’t realize. If you do really well and you don’t believe in yourself, you don’t become secure. Many people think that becoming secure is about being successful, but that’s not the case. If you're really successful, you don’t end up with security; you end up with imposter syndrome.

I went to Tuffs for medical school and did my residency training at Harvard. What I observed is that the more successful you become, the higher the rate of imposter syndrome. There’s significantly more imposter syndrome at Harvard than at the University of Texas, and it’s the same with places like Goldman Sachs compared to Bank of America. Lots of success actually creates this idea that I don’t really know if I can do this; everyone else is so much better than me. Thus, we see that a lot of success leads to imposter syndrome.

Confidence doesn’t come from success; it comes from surviving failure. It’s also far more internal. It’s not something that anyone else gives you. When you believe in yourself, then you’re confident. The beautiful thing is that once you believe in yourself, other people can think whatever they want about you. The way that you receive criticism changes; if you criticize an egotistical person, they will argue with you, convince you that you’re wrong, and call you stupid. However, if you’re confident and someone says, “Hey, you’re an idiot,” you can respond, “Okay, help me understand why; I could be an idiot, help me understand.”

This is where social media comes into play, as it is externalizing our perceptions and building our ego. We become so focused on the judgment of other people. I see the amount of subtle, low-level body dysmorphia that I observe in young women skyrocketing. I have a buddy who’s a plastic surgeon at Yale, and he’s stunned by the fact that young women, around 25 to 27 years old, are getting plastic surgery on a yearly basis, whether it’s small amounts of Botox injections or lip fillers. This trend is not limited to women; men too are increasingly affected.

Another significant observation is that body dysmorphia has a meteoric rise within men, which is a shift from it being primarily a female diagnosis. Social media is making us focus on our external appearance, leading us to lose our connection to ourselves. Once we lose that connection, we also lose the capacity to gain confidence.

This situation then results in loneliness on a societal level. I’ve seen the highest levels of being around people while still feeling lonely. Many individuals have jobs, girlfriends, boyfriends, and friends, yet they feel incredibly lonely. When we are externally focused, if I’m lonely, I might feel the need to put myself out there. So, I might transform myself. It’s interesting because a lot of the guidance we give people helps in some ways but actually worsens the problem.

If I’m lonely, I might focus on my social skills, get a good haircut, learn how to dress, start working out, and become professionally successful. Once I become something I can be proud of, I’ll interact with others, thinking they will love me because now I’m sexy, successful, and know how to talk to people. I might engage in eye contact and do all the things to connect with others, wanting them to like me.

In this way, we create a false version of ourselves, which complicates our ability to form genuine connections.

=> 01:03:29

True connection comes from being your authentic self, not a polished version for others to love.

I am going to focus on my social skills. I'm going to get a good haircut. I'm going to learn how to dress. I'm going to start working out. I'm going to become professionally successful. Now that I've become something that I can be proud of, I'm going to go interact with other people. I believe they are going to love me because now I'm sexy and I'm successful. I know how to talk to people, and I'm going to engage with them in this way. I'm going to do eye contact and I'm going to do all of the things.

Why am I doing the accent? I do it to connect with you, to make you like me. Right? See, now you're laughing, so now I feel okay because now I know, oh, Steven's laughing; he likes me. I'm likable.

What we actually do is create a false version of ourselves for people to love. That's what really screws us because they don't fall in love with us; they don't like the broken, pathetic kid that I used to be. They like this glossy, polished version, and that creates a fundamental loneliness. Even though you can be dating, it's so interesting because I work with influencers through a Creator coaching program. It's hard for influencers to date because who is falling in love with them? Are you falling in love with the influencer, with the host of Diary of a CEO, or are you falling in love with Steven? Is it Dr. K or is it Olo?

This is what's really paradoxical: we think that forming all of these connections will help our loneliness, when oftentimes it creates the opposite effect. Now, what they love is a version of me, not the real me. The problem is that they love this polished version, and what happens if I show them the ugly version? They won't accept me. I can never show it to them.

This is what I noticed in my own life. Before 25, I was a total failure with women. The real defining characteristic of that chapter of my life was all the external stuff, like the Louis Vuitton bag and the champagne bottles in the nightclub. I was really trying hard to convince them. After 25, I had much more success with women, and that chapter of my life can be characterized by knowing who I was and being comfortable with it. All the external stuff seemed to fall away.

For some reason, I talked to my friends who are struggling with dating at the moment about this, just to see if it can help them in any way. The chapter of my life where I was reading those pickup artistry books and trying really hard was my most unsuccessful. The phase after, where I stopped chasing so much, is the only way I can describe it: there were a thousand little micro changes in me. Whether it was my posture or the way I carried myself, I don't know what it was, but for me, it was a season of insecurity followed by a season of confidence.

I'm just throwing that out there because it kind of overlaps with what you were saying about influencers. When you're trying too hard, you're actually struggling the most. Now hold on a second, let's define success. When you were doing the Louis Vuitton bags and before 25, were you going on dates?

I was going to the club every two times a week, ordering as much champagne as I could to get people to come to my table and impress the girls there. Did it work? Well, all the girls that I wanted never wanted me back. The four girls that I really pursued—I could name them, but I probably shouldn't—I could never get them to be in a relationship with me. I would have short-term success, but they would never reciprocate.

This is really important. Short-term success is superficial. You could never get into a meaningful relationship. Champagne might get them to come to the table, and you could get somewhere, but think about where you were emotionally and where they were emotionally. You were like, "Oh, please, please, please," and that's not where they were emotionally, so it's doomed to failure.

So, like I was just using that as a prime example. What happens is your confidence grows. You're meeting them where they're at; you're a little bit confident, and hopefully, they're a little bit confident too. You form a connection, and just doing a little bit of math, it sounds like you've been dating your current...

=> 01:07:05

Authenticity is the key to connection; when you embrace who you truly are, people will naturally be drawn to you.

That's sensory perception. So, you could never get into a relationship, and this is like perfect, right? So, let's understand: champagne will get you to come to the table. Oh, who's this? Yeah, bring them back to the apartment, right? You can get somewhere, but think about where you were emotionally and where they were emotionally. You were like, "Oh please, please, please," and they're not in the same emotional space. So, it's doomed to failure.

I was just using that as a prime example. What happens is your confidence—so you're meeting them where they're at. You're a little bit confident, and hopefully, they're a little bit confident too. You form a connection, and just doing a little bit of math, it sounds like you've been dating your current girlfriend for a couple of years now. It seems like it didn't take long for you to go from being confident to finding someone that you've been with.

Exactly! I've been with her for almost six years. Yeah, like snap! It's like so easy once you do it right; you kind of get locked down real quick. The same thing happened with me.

So, a couple of things: this goes back to your test case with the neuroscience of how to fall in love, and it maps on. That's the beauty of science; it's true. Now, I even forget—so you were talking about security and insecurity. You said something beautiful, which is like a thousand different microcosmic things in here, right? These microscopic little things that you do within yourself.

I say that because when I read the book on how to pick up women, it would give you these little games and tricks you could do. Even if I did those, even if I acted, there was still something going on that meant these women didn't want to be with me in a relationship. I could "pull" them, quote unquote; I could get them on, you know, short term, but I couldn't get them to be with me.

I think that's because human beings are incredibly empathic. What you feel on the inside is what other people resonate with. So, even if we look at this podcast, why is this podcast so successful, Stephen? It's because you are authentic. It's because you're genuinely interested. The moment you become genuinely interested, everyone in the audience is going to become genuinely interested.

This is what's really crazy that a lot of people don't understand: everyone is trying to manipulate other human beings into doing what they want. "I want this person to fall in love with me." If you want to be a leader, if you want other people to be with you, the most important thing is authenticity. There are studies about this; if you look at how people in the workplace rank leadership, authenticity is at the top of the list.

So, authenticity and the ability to navigate negative challenges—these are the two most important things to be a leader. If you look at studies of psychology, when you're talking about these thousand microscopic things that you do, that's exactly what I do in my work. It's about helping people; it's not solving the problem outside of you, it's solving the problem inside. Once you know how the instrument works, people will flock to you.

This is what charisma actually is. Charisma is like authenticity and the confidence to face hard times. If you have these two things, when you walk into a room, people will stop what they're doing and just look at you. It changes the way that you conduct yourself.

We even know that there's this discipline called psychoneuroimmunology. When you believe something in your mind, it affects your brain. When it affects your brain, it affects your whole immune system; it affects your physiology, and other people pick up on that. So, you have to solve internally first. The more internally solved you are, the more true it is.

I say this from a position of both leadership and being a founder of companies who appoint leaders. If I think back over the last ten years, every single leader that I've appointed as CEO or in the C-suite who has then struggled was not being themselves. Absolutely. I can think of three cases in my brain right now of leaders I appointed over the last ten years in these companies, and all three of them failed.

If I could articulate exactly why they failed, it was because they were trying to be what they thought a leader was, and they weren't being themselves. People can see it. The thing I said about the thousand little micro-expressions that you can't control just shows up invisibly when you feel a certain way.

=> 01:10:43

Authenticity is the key to effective leadership; trying to be someone you're not will only lead to failure.

I say this from a position of both leadership and being a founder of companies who appoints leaders. If I think back over the last 10 years, every single leader that I've appointed as CEO or something in the C-suite who has then struggled was not being themselves. I can recall three cases in my mind right now of leaders I appointed over the last decade in these companies, and all three of them failed. If I could articulate exactly why they failed, it was because they were trying to be what they thought a leader was, rather than being themselves.

People can see it. The thing I mentioned about the thousand little micro-expressions that you can't control shows up invisibly when you feel a certain way inside. This is exactly what those three leaders didn’t understand. While watching them present to the team, I thought, “God, that person’s not being themselves; they’re trying to be a leader.” If I could sense it, I bet everyone else in that room could feel it too.

On the contrary, I have also seen leaders who have been tremendously successful, and you just know that this person that I'm experiencing right now is who they are. That’s the crux of it. The challenge right now is that everyone is looking to become something that they’re not, rather than really understanding who they are, both the good and the bad. This is easier said than done, isn’t it?

In the world we live in, we often don’t know how to do it properly. So, how do we do it? I think there are a couple of core things that we need to start doing. The first is that you have to become less alexithymic. Alexithymia refers to a colorblindness to your internal emotional state, meaning you have to know what you are feeling at all times. Our emotions are a primary source of motivation, and just because we are numb to our emotions doesn’t mean that they don’t act.

We see this a lot with technology, which can suppress your internal emotional state. You might not know what you’re feeling, but that doesn’t mean your anxiety or other emotions are not present. There are a couple of interesting signs to look for regarding suppressed emotion. One significant sign is what happens when nothing else is going on. Many of us are addicted to the external world; we feel the need to be doom scrolling, engaging with social media, being productive, or listening to podcasts. We often can’t sit with ourselves.

For instance, when you go to bed at night, can you just fall asleep naturally? What often happens is that suppressed emotions start to surface when we sleep. This is a significant problem. Normally, a human processes emotions throughout the day for about 16 hours, and whatever is left over gets processed while we sleep. We have dreams and emotional processing during that time. However, what we are seeing nowadays is that many people do zero emotional processing throughout the day. As a result, their brains can’t make any emotional progress because they have all this built-up work from suppressing emotions.

In my case, when I was addicted to video games, I had to play until I reached a state of absolute exhaustion. If I went to bed, all these thoughts would come up. I saw this hilarious meme that illustrated how during the day, we sit upright, so all of our anxiety is at the bottom of our feet. When we lay down, it’s as if that anxiety, like a liquid, enters our brain. If you are someone who experiences a lot of negative emotion when going to bed, that is a signal that you are suppressing too much emotion during the day.

You’re talking about me to some degree here. I wouldn’t categorize the emotions I experience at night as negative; sometimes they are a little bit negative, but typically they are just loud. What I end up doing is watching YouTube or some serial killer documentary until I fall asleep. My partner, on the other hand, is the opposite. She is a bit of a yogi; she can just lay down on the pillow for three minutes and be asleep.

=> 01:14:24

Suppressing emotions during the day leads to a chaotic mind at night; process your feelings to unlock clarity and peace.

During the day, we often find ourselves sitting upright, which causes all of our anxiety to settle at the bottom of our feet. However, when we lay down, this anxiety can flow like a liquid into our brains. If you are someone who experiences a lot of negative emotion at night, this may signal that you are suppressing too much emotion during the day.

Now, I wouldn't ever categorize the emotion I experience at night as negative; it's not always negative, but it is typically loud. For instance, I often find myself watching YouTube or some true crime documentary until I fall asleep. In contrast, my partner, who is a bit of a Yogi, can simply lay her head on the pillow for three minutes and be fast asleep, snoring away. I’m so jealous of it!

When we talk about loud emotions, it’s important to clarify that they don’t necessarily have to be negative. For example, I might be thinking about a solution for one of my businesses and feel the need to write a memo or brainstorm ideas. This illustrates that whatever builds up throughout the day will often resurface when our brains get idle time.

Many people don’t realize that we have stopped harnessing the power of our subconscious mind. While we often engage in logical analysis, the source of human brilliance is rarely logical. Instead, we use logic to feed our subconscious and unconscious minds with data, which then processes this information and creates motivational changes.

In my experience working with individuals struggling with substance addiction or relationship issues, I often see them caught in a cycle of indecision. For example, someone may feel unsure about whether to break up with a partner. They might decide to end the relationship, but without having fully processed their feelings, they find themselves feeling lonely and reaching out to their ex. This ping-ponging behavior indicates that their unconscious mind isn’t functioning properly.

In a healthy breakup, one might wake up one day and simply feel that enough is enough. This sudden resolve raises the question: where does that clarity come from? Why didn’t it arise earlier? I observe similar patterns in addiction psychiatry; after years of struggle, individuals may suddenly declare, “I’m done,” and quit cold turkey. This suggests that a significant amount of unconscious work has been taking place in the background, leading to that moment of resolve.

Unfortunately, we often prevent our brains from doing this necessary work because we are so preoccupied with the external world. If we don’t process our emotions during the day, we risk losing the opportunity for learning and memory consolidation that occurs at night. If our brains are overwhelmed with piled-up emotions, they cannot learn from our mistakes. Therefore, it is crucial to be more aware of our emotions during the day and engage in some form of emotional processing. This practice will free our minds to tackle other important tasks at night.

Now, how can we achieve this? This is where it gets a bit technical. First, I would emphasize that men, in particular, tend to experience a lot more emotion in our bodies than is typically accepted in psychiatric circles. Over the last decade, I've become interested in evidence-based complementary and alternative medicine. About ten years ago, someone introduced me to a technique called tapping, or the Emotional Freedom Technique. Initially, I was skeptical, thinking it sounded like nonsense. However, over the years, several studies have emerged supporting its efficacy in helping individuals release trauma.

=> 01:17:51

Men often overlook the deep connection between emotions and physical sensations in their bodies; recognizing this link can be a game changer for mental health.

In discussing men's emotional experiences, it is important to note that we experience a lot more emotion in our bodies than is generally psychiatrically accepted. Over the past decade, there have been changes in our understanding of this phenomenon. For instance, about ten years ago, I became interested in evidence-based complementary and alternative medicine. A person I met introduced me to something called tapping, specifically the Emotional Freedom Technique. Initially, I was skeptical, thinking, what BS is this? However, recent studies, including a meta-analysis, have shown that tapping is actually pretty effective for treating trauma. This revelation is quite surprising, as it suggests that even if we do not fully understand the mechanism behind it, we can still observe improvements in people's trauma.

This situation highlights a significant issue within our mental health system: the majority of therapists lack training in the physical body. Emotions are not just abstract feelings; they manifest physically. For example, anger releases adrenaline, which affects blood pressure, heart rate, and gut peristalsis. Therefore, if you are a man struggling to understand your feelings, the first step is to pay attention to your physical body. Notice if you feel tension or tightness in your chest. Interestingly, men often use very good emotional language as long as it relates to physical sensations. For instance, when discussing emotional pain, we might say, man, this girl called me and it was like she kicked me in the nuts. This language conveys a shared understanding of emotional experiences through physicality.

To further engage with your emotions, it is beneficial to use your physical body. There are numerous activities that can help, such as deep breathing and exercise. Many individuals I have worked with have expressed that therapy didn’t work for me, but they found relief through physical activities like lifting weights. This highlights the arrogance within the medical community, which often dismisses these methods in favor of traditional talk therapy. When we observe what works for people, we should take note and adapt our understanding accordingly.

Another important aspect is to identify where you feel physical discomfort when experiencing uncomfortable emotions. Fascinating studies have mapped each emotion to different parts of the body. For example, anger is often felt in the chest, while sadness can manifest in both the chest and stomach. Worry tends to be felt in the brain and stomach. By mapping emotions to physical sensations, we can begin to understand how to alleviate mental distress. For instance, if you clench your right fist, you may feel angry, whereas clenching your left fist can lead to a sense of calm or even sadness. This demonstrates the reciprocal relationship between the mind and body; your mind affects your body, and your body affects your mind.

In conclusion, understanding the interplay between our emotions and physical sensations is crucial. By recognizing and addressing these sensations, we can improve our mental well-being.

=> 01:21:25

To break the cycle of anxiety, sometimes you need to lean into your emotions and activate your body, not just calm your mind.

It feels a bit like a release, and I don't know, it's really fascinating. There are actually studies on this that show that clenching your right fist activates your left hemisphere and will lead to anger. In contrast, clenching your left fist will actually calm you down and can sometimes lead to feelings of sadness. This illustrates that everything in the body is reciprocal; everything is like a circuit. Your mind affects your body, and your body affects your mind. Even if your dominant hand is your left hand, we don't know how this might vary, as these studies are usually conducted on right-handed individuals. However, the key point remains.

One technique that I often use with patients in my office, particularly when they are about to have a panic attack, involves engaging in physical activity. If we are delving into deep trauma work and they start to feel physiologically activated, I will instruct them to run as fast as they can for 60 seconds. When you run really fast for that duration, it’s as if you are exercising your heart out, like someone is chasing you—imagine being chased by a monster. What happens is that when we experience a very high activation of our sympathetic nervous system, our fight-or-flight response automatically kicks in the parasympathetic nervous system once we stop.

When someone is stuck in an anxiety state, it creates a feeding cycle: feeling anxious leads to an elevated heart rate, which releases adrenaline that travels to the brain, making them feel even more anxious. This cycle continues, but you can break it by activating the sympathetic nervous system so intensely that the body must respond with the parasympathetic nerves. This can be quite challenging because when people are struggling, they typically have lower motivation, making it harder to get to the gym. That’s why I recommend this 60-second run; I used to have an office on Commonwealth Avenue where I would walk outside with my patients, and we would run as fast as we could or do as many push-ups as possible.

Interestingly, when we try to control our emotions by calming ourselves down—like telling someone who is angry to "calm down"—it often backfires and triggers them further. Sometimes, you need to do the opposite; you need to lean into whatever emotion you are feeling, activate your physiology, and it will help calm your emotions down.

I haven't read the book, but I loved the title of The Body Keeps the Score. I watched a summary of it, and one of the key points discussed is the role of yoga as a beneficial practice for certain mental health issues. I was curious if this overlaps with what you're saying here. While I don’t personally practice yoga, many people view it almost as a form of therapy. There seems to be a lot of research supporting yoga as a way to help with stress, depression, anxiety, and other mental health challenges.

I think yoga is great. I was a very serious student of yoga for about seven years and have recently reinvigorated my practice. I believe yoga is absolutely transformative for trauma and can achieve health outcomes that we may not fully understand yet. The reason for this is that we need to look at the studies on yoga. In scientific studies, we typically take two groups of people—say 100 in each group. One group practices yoga, while the other engages in a different form of exercise.

The important thing to understand about studies on yoga is that they often involve novices who are just beginning their yoga journey. At the end of the study, they remain novices, yet we still observe some health benefits. There are very few studies on experienced yogis. When you become an expert in yoga, you learn a lot about how your mind functions. I teach my patients this kind of information, and I see many correlations with cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). Yoga can teach us about our ego and help us discern whether our mind is functioning properly or not.

=> 01:25:06

Yoga is not just a practice; it's a powerful tool for mental clarity and trauma healing, helping us recognize and overcome cognitive biases shaped by our emotions and ego.

100 people are going to do something like exercise. The key thing that we have to understand about studies on yoga is that we are taking novices and teaching them yoga. However, they remain novices at the end of the study, and we still see some health benefits. There are very few studies on yogis; while there are many studies on yoga, a yogi is very different from yoga. When you become an expert in yoga, you learn a lot about the way your mind functions. I do this work myself and teach my patients this kind of stuff.

Yoga teaches us a lot about our ego and how to determine if our mind is malfunctioning. For instance, you might wonder, "How do I know if I'm wrong or my partner is wrong?" One of the biggest problems in the world today is that our minds often come up with conclusions. The challenge is knowing whether those conclusions are right or wrong. Sometimes they are right, and sometimes they are wrong, but we often assume there is no way of knowing the difference. This assumption is not true. If your mind is operating in a pure way, free from cognitive bias, it will come up with the right conclusions.

So, the question is: How do we remove cognitive bias from the mind? This is what the discipline of yoga teaches us. There are two important things to consider if you want to know whether your mind is thinking clearly. First, what emotions are you feeling? If you say, "I'm logical right now; I don't feel any emotion," that is factually incorrect. There is no point in time—24 hours a day, 365 days a year—when blood is not flowing to the emotional circuits of your brain. You are never not feeling any emotion. Therefore, the first thing we need to understand, as yoga teaches us, is the emotional impact of our thoughts.

The second big consideration is: What is the ego saying? If your ego is active, it will create cognitive biases. For example, if you feel insecure, you might engage in mental gymnastics to put someone else down and elevate yourself. This is a way of adding cognitive bias to help yourself feel better. Yoga, from a physiological level, will calm and balance our nervous system. It can change our respiratory rate, and about 18 minutes of yogic practice is what it takes to shut down cortisol production in our brain. We know that cortisol affects many aspects of our health.

Yoga works on a physiological level and also trains us mentally. I believe yoga is one of the most robust systems of mental training that exists in the world. It helps us control our desires and perceptions, among other things. Additionally, there is a lot of good trauma healing that can happen through yoga, which relates to a slightly different concept. I think yoga is incredibly useful and powerful for trauma healing.

I was watching something where you discussed how people who have experienced trauma often operate in a defensive manner in their lives. Earlier, we talked about how people have these stories they tell themselves, such as "I'm lazy," "I'm this," or "I'm that." When I heard you articulate how trauma makes us play life in defense, it helped me understand many people I know who aren't overtly motivated and struggle with discipline.

What do we need to understand about the nature of trauma and its impact on our ability to show up and achieve our goals? This is a beautiful question. When I discovered this concept, it was transformative for me and for my patients. There are two kinds of people in life: those who have plans and goals and work towards them, and those who struggle. The former might say, "I'm going to get up today and advance towards my goals," while the latter might feel, "I don't know how these people do it."

For those who struggle, they often use a lot of willpower and try to create habits, attempting to be productive like others. However, their default state, if left to their own devices, is often to do nothing. So, how does this work? Are these people fundamentally different? Trauma is the big difference here. When we grow up in a traumatic environment, we experience something called the loss of the future dimension. Let me give you an example of this.

=> 01:28:48

Trauma can steal your ability to plan for the future, trapping you in survival mode and stifling your potential.

Today, I am going to get up and advance towards my goals. I want to accomplish this in life and get better at it. However, there are others, like myself, who wonder, how do these productive people do it? I get up each day and struggle. I use a lot of willpower and try to create habits, attempting to emulate those who are productive. Yet, my default state, if left to my own devices, is to do nothing.

This leads us to question how this works and whether these individuals are fundamentally different from us. The answer often lies in trauma, which is a significant factor. When we develop as children in a traumatic environment, we experience what is known as the loss of the future dimension. For example, if I approach my parents and ask to have a birthday party, only to be met with anger and denial the next day due to their intoxication, it creates a profound impact. In such traumatic upbringings, children struggle to plan for the future. Any expression of autonomy is often shut down by abusive or highly controlling parents.

This phenomenon is particularly prevalent in certain cultures, such as Asian and South Asian cultures, where parents impose strict rules, dictating that children must focus solely on academics and extracurricular activities like piano, while prohibiting any form of independence. As a result, many gifted children stall later in life because their ability to exercise autonomy has been suppressed.

Additionally, trauma is about surviving today. I once worked with a patient who could tell within the first few minutes of their father's arrival whether they would face violence that day. Children raised in traumatic environments, which do not necessarily involve physical abuse, often learn to be invisible. They may even take on adult responsibilities in cases where a parent is chronically ill, which is also a form of trauma. In these situations, the child's brain prioritizes survival over planning for the future, focusing on how to avoid abuse or remain unnoticed by their parents.

When children grow up in such chaotic environments, they become conditioned to not plan for the future. Any plans can be easily disrupted by their parents' unpredictable behavior. For instance, if I excitedly tell my friends about a birthday party that ultimately gets canceled, the emotional pain is significant. This leads to a state of survival mode, where the brain and body prioritize immediate needs over future aspirations.

Physiologically, this is mirrored in our bodies, which can exist in two states: the catabolic state, where we break things down to survive the moment, and the anabolic state, where we build for the future. When faced with danger, such as a tiger, a burst of cortisol is released, breaking down muscle tissue to provide energy for survival. In this way, we sacrifice our future to manage the present.

As individuals raised in traumatic environments grow up, they often find themselves bound by external stimuli. They can act only when there is pressure from the outside world, such as a deadline, which triggers their survival instincts. Unfortunately, this means they struggle to derive any internal sense of motivation. Their ability to plan for the future has been fundamentally impaired, often leaving them in a crippling state.

To address this, we must consider the impact of parenting styles. Parents who grant their children more autonomy tend to raise individuals who are better equipped to tackle life’s challenges, while those who stifle their children's autonomy may hinder their ability to set and achieve goals. This brings us to the distinction between authoritative versus authoritarian parenting.

=> 01:32:37

Autonomy in childhood shapes our ability to thrive as adults; too much control can leave us feeling stuck and unhappy.

The internal sense of motivation can be significantly impacted by external pressures. When individuals are faced with an external deadline, they often shift into a survival mode rather than a mode focused on future planning. This shift can be crippling, as it disables the part of the brain responsible for future planning. Although this state can be reversed, it often becomes the default for many individuals.

Research indicates that parents who grant their children more autonomy during their formative years tend to raise individuals who are better equipped to tackle life's challenges. In contrast, parents who stifle their children's autonomy often produce individuals who struggle later in life. This concept can be illustrated through the distinction between authoritative and authoritarian parenting. Authoritative parenting involves supporting a child while allowing them some degree of independence, leading to better outcomes. On the other hand, authoritarian parenting, characterized by high levels of control, often results in poorer life outcomes for children.

Reflecting on personal experiences, I recall my own upbringing. At the age of nine, my father declared that one of my siblings would become a lawyer and the other a doctor, leaving no room for personal choice. Consequently, I felt compelled to pursue a medical career, while my brother followed the path to law school. This lack of autonomy led to significant struggles during my college years, ultimately resulting in failure. Throughout my career, particularly while running a wellness program for medical residents, I observed that many individuals invested in a dream that did not bring them happiness. They found themselves living on autopilot, feeling trapped in a path they had committed to.

For those who find themselves in a similar situation—feeling stuck and unable to take control of their lives—the question arises: how can one transition from being a passive participant to an autonomous self-starter? The process is multifaceted, but there are key steps involved.

Firstly, it is crucial to establish a sense of safety. If someone is in a constantly stressful environment, it can inhibit their capacity for neuroplasticity, which is essential for growth. Therefore, creating a pocket of safety is vital. This could mean distancing oneself from toxic relationships or abusive environments.

The second step involves emotional regulation. Understanding and processing one's emotions is essential; otherwise, negative emotions can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors. For instance, without healthy coping mechanisms, individuals may turn to substances like alcohol as a means of escape. Developing emotional regulation skills is therefore critical.

To illustrate this further, I engaged in a discussion with Stephen about his personal experiences. He expressed that he has always looked forward in life, driven by necessity due to his parents' absence. This environment forced him to figure things out independently, leading him to experiment and adapt as an adult. However, this constant forward motion also created challenges; he admitted to struggling with stillness, indicating a different kind of pressure.

In summary, the journey toward autonomy and self-motivation involves creating a safe environment, learning to regulate emotions, and understanding one's personal history and coping mechanisms. By addressing these areas, individuals can begin to shift from a state of survival to one of proactive engagement with their lives.

=> 01:36:15

Your past shapes your drive, but don't let it define your future. Break the cycle of toxic fuel and learn to build from a place of peace, not panic.

In an environment where I didn't have a choice, it felt like if you wanted lunch money, it wasn't going to appear out of nowhere. If you wanted to eat today, it wasn't going to magically happen. With parents not home, you had to go figure stuff out. I had the same external pressures of trying to fit in at school, along with all the pressures that anyone has, but I experienced an absence of dictation. Therefore, I had to figure it out and run experiments. As an adult, I'm still doing that now.

This realization frightens me. My guess is that if you try to sit still, you start to panic. I really struggle with stillness. So, you have a different problem. The answer I was looking for was whether I was a psychopath or something; what have you figured out? I mean, you can't be still, right? This is trauma. I can't diagnose you with anything, but I want you to understand that this is actually a great example because your productivity is running away from something. Does that make sense?

Absolutely, it does. It's crazy because you're not running towards something; you're not building something. I mean, you're practically building something great, and I see this so much. It's a concept that I call toxic fuel. You're panicked, thinking, "Oh my God, unless I build something, no one will do it for me." That's sad, right?

Yes, it is. We're talking about having kids one day; do you want your child to be able to count on you, or do you want them to grow up in an environment where they can't count on anyone? They have to go out and get lunch money if they want it. I would rather them be able to count on me.

You're getting emotional. Why? Are you getting emotional? No, because I'm so used to it; I'm so accustomed to it. For me, there's no when you say it's sad, I'm like, "Really? It's just my life." It was my life. Do you know what I mean?

Now, this is a great moment. I'm getting emotional because you're getting emotional. What do you mean? Just because you don't feel it doesn't mean that it isn't activating. Right? I know you don't feel this is normal for you; it's sad, and you're numb. Once again, you've been exposed to this so many times. But like, how do I know? Am I some psychic who knows that if you try to sit still, you're going to panic? No, I'm getting that from you. Does that make sense?

Yes, it does. Some of it is logical, but you say you're looking forward. The way you said it implies that there is a desperation to your forward momentum. Yes, that's not good. I know, right? But here's the problem: you love it. You love it because if you didn't have it, where would you be?

100%. I completely agree with everything you're saying, but you're not answering the question. Oh, you want me to answer the question? Where would I be? No, I want you to think about why it's hard for you to answer the question. I didn't even hear the question.

Okay, where would I be? That's interesting in and of itself. I didn't even know it was a question. So, where would I be if I didn't have it? I don't know, and I think about this a lot. I think about this all the time because sometimes you can fantasize about living a completely different life. I put myself there, on the beach or in Bali or something, and I just go, "I would be so irritated." Not as in annoyed, but irritated, as you said, like not being able to sit still. I would end up building a hut or something.

Yes, when I have that fantasy of running away from my life and starting from zero on a beach somewhere, I think, "I'll just find myself back here again." Because I would do something on the hut, which would lead me to build a sky grave on the hut or something. This is trauma; it's not really the right word, but it is kind of the right word. So, this is what I mean: you are controlled by these impulses within you.

I would say yes, it's crazy, right? I always liken it to being driven and dragged, and I think I'm dragged a little bit. I love your phrase, toxic fuel. So, all of your growth is driven by this. This is what happens; this is why men get so stuck in this cycle because that's the only way we know how to motivate ourselves. It is by running away from the panic, using the fear. Maybe this is a bit much, but I think like, you know, I would bet money that there was a time in your life where...

=> 01:40:04

True confidence comes from embracing your journey, not just the image you project.

I'll do something on the Hut, which will involve building a sky grave on the hut or something similar. This trauma is not really the right word, but it is kind of the right word. So, this is what I mean: you are controlled by these impulses within you. I would say yes, it's crazy, right? I always liken it to being driven and dragged, and I think I'm dragged a little bit.

I love your phrase toxic fuel. So, all of your growth stems from this, and this is why men get so stuck in this cycle; because that's the only way we know how to motivate ourselves. It is about running away from the panic, using the fear. And maybe this is a bit much, but I think, you know, I would bet money that there was a time in your life when you were a no one, and you said, "this never again." You decided, "I'm going to run away; I'm never going to do this again." It was so incredibly painful, and then that fuels you. If you stop, I would bet money that the panic you feel is very much connected to that moment in your life when you said, "never again." Who knows?

Yes, okay, no, yeah. I mean, it's funny because I was reflecting on this day when I was younger. I walked to this park late at night, and this kid called Sam started calling me the n-word. In that moment, I just felt this real disconnection because I was the only black person there. This was in Devon in 1990 whatever. I thought we were so different; our families were so different. Anyway, just that moment of feeling totally disconnected because you don't look like anyone else, you don't sound like anyone else, you have curly hair, you're a different color skin—this real sense of disconnection permeated a lot of my early upbringing.

It was filled with shame, insecurity, and disconnection. Then you compound that with your parents being aware. When I talk about my parents not being in the house much when I was younger, I still had this disconnection and shame, but now I had this big void of freedom to do something about it. This meant I could start a business; I could sell some stuff. If I sold some stuff, I could buy some shoes, and those shoes would help me fit in because everyone else had those shoes. It was this kind of spiral.

As I got older, I became aware of it all I wanted, but that doesn't necessarily mean it would help. There is a difference, obviously, as you know, between being aware of something and being able to take control of it.

No, there isn't. This is how we started the conversation. No, there's not a difference. Oh, is there not? I thought it was a logical process. Hold on, hold on. Great. So, can I ask, can we go a little bit deeper?

You're so interesting, right? You felt ashamed, you felt small, and you felt like you didn't have anyone's respect. You've done something beautiful. When someone looks at you, what do they see now?

The opposite. Yes, tell me, what do they see now when they look at me? Probably they see confidence. They probably see someone who is quite secure in themselves. Absolutely right!

You have a very subtle presence. We're going to get so subtle it may not make sense. There are so many layers of projecting confidence, and you've tapped into an authentic confidence. There's even a subtle thing because you dress very carefully. You don't dress in a way that normal people who are trying to impress dress. You want to be authentically impressive. Does that make sense? You're not going to take any shortcuts to being impressive; you're going to be truly impressive. Does that make sense?

Yeah, I guess. But here's the subtle thing: it's still there. The panic is still there. You know why? Because you still give a [__] about being impressive.

Right? It's authentic impressive, sure enough, but it's still important to be impressive. As long as that thing is there, like the panic, that's all the same thing.

It's 100% true. I had an author on my podcast who wrote a book called Status, and that's when I had this brain wobble in my head. I said I used to wear Louis Vuitton before I was 25. I thought that's when I gave up giving a [__] about status and impression. Then he was like, "No, if you think about billionaires, they just end up playing a different status game. The logos get smaller because now Louis Vuitton would...

=> 01:43:55

You can build an impressive life, but the scars of your past still linger; true healing requires confronting the wounds, not just masking them with success.

The subtle thing is still there; the panic is still there. You know why? Because you still give a [__] about being impressive. It's authentic, impressive, sure enough, but it's still important to be impressive. As long as that panic exists, that feeling of needing to impress remains.

I had an author on my podcast who wrote a book called Status, and that’s when I had this like brain wobble in my head. I mentioned that I used to wear Louis Vuitton before I was 25, thinking that was when I gave up caring about status and impression. However, he pointed out that billionaires just end up playing a different status game. The logos get smaller; for instance, wearing Louis Vuitton would make me look like an idiot now—it would actually lower my status. They start playing games about boats, like how big is my boat, but they’re still playing the same game. When he said that, I thought, “You [__] hell, of course, I’m still playing the same old games in different ways.”

There’s a lot of authenticity and goodness here. This is exactly how trauma works: we build something that is good. Here’s the key thing to understand that yoga teaches us: no amount of fixing your life will make that kid go away. When I work with people who have been traumatized, they often build amazing lives, but they still carry that kid with them. That kid will come out at particular times. If I treat you in the wrong way, you might notice that you feel like that kid again. The psychological and neuronal wiring is still there.

You can build all this wonderful stuff, and there’s authenticity; it’s not like you’re faking it. This is a really common misconception. Are you faking it? No, you’re genuinely confident and genuinely authentic. You can’t fake it and get to where you are, yet the wounds we experience leave scars. The real way to heal is to go back to that moment and deal with that kid. You have to dismantle the worldview you have.

When we get traumatized, we adapt. For instance, some kids I’ve worked with adapt by becoming invisible. That’s what I did; I got bullied a lot, so I learned how to be invisible. Others adapt by being successful, thinking that if they are successful, it serves as an antidote to their shame. They believe that if they’re successful, they don’t have to feel ashamed anymore. However, that old injury is still there.

This is why it’s so complex. What you’ve just said is unbelievably true, but this is where the misconception happens. I don’t go home feeling insecure or unconfident. When I’m on my own, I’m very okay with who I am. I feel like the guy that you experience on camera is very close to who I am when I’m alone at night. However, it doesn’t mean that I don’t still have those childhood bruises, and they can be triggered by various things.

When we use words like insecurity and shame, you might think that I walk into the green room feeling inadequate. But I know there’s still something there driving me. I question why I’m still striving for more, even when I am logically aware that it will not lead to any more happiness. I am constantly aware that becoming more will not impact the things that truly matter, yet here I am, still building businesses. This is the constant battle I face.

Let’s understand a couple of things. We tend to think about healing as a single spectrum. If I’m at negative 100, I can’t also be at positive 100; those two things cancel each other out. It’s not how it works. If I give you a glass of water, then I add something undesirable to it, adding sugar doesn’t remove the undesirable element. These are both independent things. This is what tends to happen, and it’s a common misunderstanding about trauma. Removing the undesirable element requires addressing it directly; no amount of sugar will take it out of the drink. Thus, no amount of building something good can replace the need to confront and heal from trauma.

=> 01:47:50

Healing isn't just about adding good; it's about removing the bad. You can't sugarcoat trauma or fix a broken leg with bench presses. True healing requires addressing the root of the pain.

I battle with certain challenges, and I often find myself thinking, "there must be a force that you're consciously unaware of that's making you go on and go on." Exactly. So, let's understand a couple of things. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, Stephen.

First, we need to think about healing as a spectrum. If I'm at negative 100, I can't also be at positive 100; those two things cancel out. That's not how it works. For example, if I give you a glass of water and then I urinate in it, adding sugar does not remove the urine. These are both independent things. This is what tends to happen, and this is what we don't understand about trauma: removing the urine requires removing the urine. No amount of sugar will take it out of the drink.

So, no amount of building something good will remove something bad. Healing is also like this: if I break a leg, no amount of bench pressing will heal my leg. I can build as much as I want to; I can fix my hair or brush my teeth, but the leg is still broken. The same is true of the mind.

The second thing to understand is that our consciousness is divided. Now, we're going to get kind of technical and off the rails. We have all of these dormant pieces of our consciousness that activate in certain situations. All you have to do is pay attention to yourself in a five-minute period, and you'll see this. For instance, when I walk into a bathroom that I've never used before, I start thinking, "Okay, where's the flush? Where's the toilet? How do I use this toilet?" I activate dormant information all the time.

So, if someone asks me, "What's the quadratic equation?" that information is there and dormant in my mind, and it gets activated. One of the biggest mistakes we make about healing is that we look at what is active in our mind 90% of the time and assume that the injury is no longer there. That's not the case. The injury just goes dormant, and then certain things can trigger that injury. That's what we call triggers.

For example, if I'm traumatized—let's say I've been traumatized by a bomb going off—my brain has certain circuits that scan my perceptual environment and decide what to activate. There are ways that stillness makes you feel small, and if you're ever going to be small again, it feels unacceptable. I would bet money that if you sit by yourself and you're not occupied, you will feel this. That's why you have to watch crime shows; because if you don't, you’re going to be still, and if you're still, that's unacceptable.

Dormant things have to be healed where they belong. You don't need to worry; by the way, it's in your karma, it's going to get healed, and it's coming. I was laughing because it's so true. I find it amusing that when I go to Bary, I end up writing a book, and I'm like, "People would kill for that!" So many people out there are like, "Oh man, I would love to be you." But no, you guys don't want to be Stephen. I know you think you do.

This is the crazy thing: we each, as human beings, have our own journey. Are you privileged? Should you be grateful? Should people aspire to be you? Absolutely. But they don't want to be you. Your own problems are enough; they don’t need yours too.

So now the question is, how do we heal? I think the problem is that no amount of fixing things over there is going to go back to this. This is where we can look at the science of healing trauma. Here are the steps:

1. Safety - so that we can achieve neuroplasticity.
2. Emotional awareness and emotional regulation - this allows us for
3. Identity - which is really important.

If we look at our human sense of identity, how do you develop an identity? If I were to ask you in three sentences, "Who is Stephen?"

Tell me about who Stephen is.

"I’m an entrepreneur, I am a podcaster now, and I am going to say a Manchester United fan."

Okay, so I think those are three features. I've read your bio, and the other thing that you tend to do in your bio is create a narrative. You were a college dropout, you started a company, and you talked about this Louis Vuitton bag phase, followed by the post-Louis Vuitton bag phase. Even before we had this podcast, you were discussing the phases of your life.

So, identity requires a timeline. Now, the interesting thing is if we look at the...

=> 01:51:44

Your identity is shaped by your most emotional experiences; change starts when you confront those emotions, not avoid them.

Are you my identity? Yeah, tell me who’s Stephen—to myself, or just to the world, or is that the same? Tell me about who’s Stephen. I’m an entrepreneur, I am a podcaster now, and I am going to say I’m a Manchester United fan. Okay, so I think those are three features, right?

So, I’ve read your bio, and the other thing that you tend to do in your bio is there’s a narrative. Right, you were a college dropout, you started a company, and you talked about this Louis Vuitton bag phase and then there’s the post-Louis Vuitton bag phase. Even before we had this podcast, you were talking to me about the phases of your life. So, identity requires a timeline.

Now, the interesting thing is if we look at the formative moments of your life, they all have emotion. This is what’s really important: if you have an identity that is bad in any way, you can never change that identity without emotions. So, what happens? When I tell my story, it’s like I was a kid, 9 years old; I got put on these expectations, dropped out of college, went to become a monk, went to medical school, became a doctor, and now I started this whole helping random people on the internet thing. So, each of those were emotional experiences.

Who we are is a narrative of our most emotional experiences, and we see this in all of our superhero movies. Right, Batman had this tragic experience where his parents were shot by The Joker, and then he became something. All these moments—these powerful emotional moments—are crucial. If your emotions are dulled by drugs, by technology, by pornography, or by watching serial killer shows, you will never change who you are. It is impossible. The neuroscience of your identity development requires emotional experience.

Okay, so with trauma, that’s the next thing that happens. Once we have access to emotions, then we can become someone else. Now, the problem with trauma is that before we become someone else, the beliefs we have about ourselves become our destiny. So, if I think to myself, “I’m a loser,” when I was interviewing for residency, I went to an interview somewhere on the west coast. The director of the program called me at the end of the interview and said, “We don’t understand why you’re here.” I was like, “What do you mean you don’t understand why I’m here?” They said, “Your application is really good; you could end up at any program in the country. Why did you pick us?”

I replied, “I picked you because I liked the way that your hospital works, and I like that the city it’s in, and I’m super into complimenting all—what do you mean why am I here?” Right? But the way that he approached it, with a lack of confidence, was like, “Our program sucks,” and they had some problems at the program at the time, so it kind of makes sense. But this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If I go into a job interview and I feel a lack of confidence, if I believe I’m a loser, then I’m not going to get the job.

You used to go to clubs and buy bottles of champagne and thought that you were a loser, but you didn’t end up where you wanted to go. So, this is what a lot of people don’t understand: everyone’s focused on productivity, but the single most important thing that will determine your future is your sense of who you are. And that’s not like some spiritual “get connected” thing; this is like science. If you believe you are a loser, the empathic systems of other people's brains will detect that in you, and they will treat you like a loser.

You carry who you are with you—that’s why you get into failed relationship number one, failed relationship number two, failed relationship number three, until you change. And when you change, your sense of identity changes, then your future will change. The last thing to do is, on a more microscopic level, look at these responses within yourself.

So, you asked me at the very beginning of the podcast, and now we’re coming full circle: how do you start understanding yourself? You look at the drives within yourself. Right? Why can’t I sit still? And this is going to be so hard for you because if I told you this is hilarious: if I told you, “Stephen, if you want to heal your trauma, you need to go to Bali, you need to sit on a beach, and you need to do nothing,” you will still turn that into growth and progress. Because what you’ll say is, “Oh, this is what Dr. K told me to heal my trauma, so now I’m doing even more important work than a podcast for 10 million people on the internet. Now I’m doing the healing of my trauma, which is the goal.” And you’re still running away from yourself.

There’s no way you can run away from it; your mind will transform.

=> 01:55:35

To truly understand yourself, stop running and just sit with your thoughts; awareness is the key to unlocking your growth.

In the beginning of the podcast, you asked me a question that brings us full circle: how do you start understanding yourself? To begin this journey, it’s essential to look at the drives within yourself. For example, you might wonder, why can't I sit still? This realization can be challenging, especially when I humorously suggest that if I told you, Stephen, “if you want to heal your trauma, you need to go to a ball, sit on a beach, and do nothing,” you would likely turn that into another form of growth and progress. You might think, oh, this is what Dr. K told me to heal my trauma, and then convince yourself that you are doing something even more important than a podcast for 10 million people on the internet. However, in doing so, you would still be running away from yourself.

There is no way to escape from your own mind; it will transform the very act of sitting into a problem. That’s what trauma does. So, I’ll give you a chance to respond because I’ve been waiting for the solution, Dr. K. In your case, I would suggest: just sit. You have to be careful, though, because if your mind turns sitting into a goal—“I have to achieve this sitting”— you’ll miss the point. Instead, waste your time. What you need to learn is how to do nothing, to simply sit and be with yourself.

As you sit, you will notice many things come up. This relates back to your initial question about how to start. I would recommend sitting for 5 minutes, 15 minutes, or even staring at a wall for an hour to observe what happens inside you. You will discover that your internal environment is a zoo of thoughts, feelings, emotions, drives, panics, worries, and distractions. To calm this chaos, we need to let it run out of steam.

This principle of the mind suggests that if we feed our mind, it will continue to grow. Therefore, we need to allow it to run out of steam by simply sitting and doing nothing for a while. Many people don’t realize that the part of our brain that exerts willpower is connected to the anterior cingulate cortex. This area not only contributes to willpower but also monitors conflict. Willpower and monitoring conflict are technically the same process; the same part of the brain activates during both.

If you pay attention to your own internal experience, you will notice that whenever you exert willpower, there is an internal struggle. For instance, “I don’t want to order chicken; I want to order fried chicken.” This conflict is what you are aware of when exerting willpower. Conversely, you cannot exert willpower if you are behaving automatically. This is why it’s so easy to get lost in doom scrolling; you are not even aware of what you are doing until hours have passed, leaving you wondering, what happened?

From a neuroscientific perspective, and as yogis teach, awareness is willpower; awareness is self-control. I have worked with many addicts who experience this phenomenon. They may go on a binge and then suddenly come up for air, realizing, what have I been doing for the past couple of days or hours? In those moments, they regain their awareness. The more you are aware in the present moment, the more your problems will literally melt away.

This concept may seem strange, but it aligns with what yoga teaches: as you become more aware, you stop rejecting things and start accepting them. You focus on the present, and all the advice about mindfulness is rooted in awareness. In our society, if I say, “you don’t need habits, you don’t need willpower, you don’t need discipline; all you need is awareness,” many people will reject this idea. However, that doesn’t mean it isn’t true. The more you explore awareness, the more you will realize that 90% of the problem is awareness.

This may seem odd, but it’s important to understand that we often look for solutions that involve action—buy that thing, make that list, go to that meeting, watch that thing. It’s all about action as a solution to our problems. Thus, I understand why you were expecting me to provide a seven-step process to solve everything we’ve discussed here.

=> 01:59:38

True success isn't about action; it's about the awareness that drives you from within.

The discussion revolves around the concept of awareness and its fundamental role in our lives. We live in a society where many people believe that to achieve success, one must rely on habits, willpower, and discipline. However, I assert that all you need is awareness. While some may reject this idea, it remains true. The more one explores the notion of awareness, the more one realizes its significance. Initially, I thought the balance was about 50/50, but I now believe that 90% of the problem is awareness.

This perspective may seem unconventional, but it stems from our tendency to seek solutions that require action. We often think that the answer lies in doing something—like buying a product, making a list, attending a meeting, or watching a video. I anticipated that the solution to our discussions would involve a seven-step process, such as writing things down or saying specific phrases.

To understand this better, consider the example of Stephen. He works hard, but when asked if it is difficult for him to do so, he responds, "No." The question then arises: why is it not hard for him to work hard? The answer is simple: it feels good to work hard. This highlights a common misconception; people often believe that working hard is a struggle. However, for Stephen, the challenge lies not in working hard but in not doing it.

Stephen has started numerous companies—around 10 to 20—and has made millions of dollars. He also hosts a podcast with approximately 10 million subscribers across various platforms. Many people admire Stephen and aspire to emulate his success. Yet, the key takeaway is that it is not the actions he takes that others need to replicate; rather, they must duplicate what is going on inside him. This internal drive, which I refer to as toxic fuel, is essential for achieving success.

Interestingly, Stephen shares that he has never felt unhappy. Reflecting on his past, he recalls a time when he was 18 years old, had just dropped out of university, and was starting his first business while facing challenges like shoplifting food. Despite these difficulties, he felt as happy then as he does now. This sentiment may sound like motivational speak, but in that moment, he experienced forward motion and excitement about life. He viewed his circumstances as stepping stones to his future, and he continues to feel the same way today.

This leads us to consider the stages of happiness. There are various levels: being unhappy in all situations, unhappy in some, happy in some, happy in most, and ultimately achieving happiness in all situations—a state of being independent of external circumstances. Stephen seems to have reached this stage, which I refer to as Moka Enlightenment or Nirvana.

When asked how one can attain this state, the response is not straightforward. The moment one asks for a method or a timeline, it introduces a goal or a future dimension, which contradicts the essence of achieving true happiness. To reach this state, one must learn to exist without an objective, embracing the present moment fully.

=> 02:03:56

True happiness comes from existing without attachment or goals, not from chasing external validation.

Unhappiness can arise very, very easily, and that's true. It makes sense that we start to craft a life that makes us happy; that's the first step. However, what happens next is that we become dependent on our external life for our happiness, and that will never work 100%.

So, what's this MTA you mentioned? Is it Moka, Enlightenment, Nirvana? They're all the same thing. How do we get there? The question arises: how do I get there? How does anyone get there? You sit by yourself and don’t do anything for how long? But you can’t ask that question. The moment you ask that question, there’s a goal, a future dimension, an objective. You have to exist without an objective, and that will move you in the right direction. Just be for no reason and for no purpose.

Recognize that all of this stuff—this is going to get kind of weird—no matter what you do in the world, you’re still existing. You just need to remove all of the stuff and just exist. That’s what Moka is: pure existence without attachment, without feeling, without thought, without goal—just being. The crazy thing is, we’re all doing this all the time; we’re all existing all the time.

I hear a loud voice from all the high-performing individuals who listen to my show shouting, and it’s also coming from my brain as well: “Dr. K, if I take this advice and just sit, how am I going to pay the bills? Won't that cost me my motivation? If it costs me my motivation, then it will cost me my purpose.” This art business I’ve started, this cupcake shop I’m running, that’s giving me so much excitement in my life. What happens when I lose my motivation if I just sit?

The first thing we have to understand is that, yes, someone who’s enlightened is not compatible with a regular life in some ways. Let’s understand that. That’s what happened to Buddha; he was a king, married, had a kid, was loved, was powerful, and then he said, “I’m done.” Is that how we pronounce it incorrectly? Buddha—Buddha, same thing.

In a sense, it is incompatible with life. The second thing is that you have a motivation, right? But once you exist in the world and you are just being without anything, you’ll still act. In fact, acting will become even easier. That’s hard to understand because we are so used to toxic fuel.

Let me give you an analogy. If you have kids one day, you’ll understand this better. When a kid comes up to you and is crying because, for example, their doll has gotten wet, they come to you without any goal in your life. You’re not trying to be a good dad; you just respond. I don’t know if that makes sense. When your kid walks up to you and they’re upset about something that seems irrelevant, you just act in response to what is necessary in the moment. You don’t get upset; you’re not worried about their growth or about traumatizing them. You just respond.

Does that kind of make sense? Yes. And so, if I’m walking down the street and someone is carrying groceries, I hold the door open for them. I just respond to the environment. What actually happens is that the closer you get to this state, the more productive you can be. What I’ve found is that the closer I get to this state, the more productive I am. But now, what I’m doing is just responding to the environment around me. I’m not driving anywhere; I’m not going anywhere. I’m just responding, and that’s beautiful.

It’s liberating. There’s no goal, there’s no falling short, there’s no achievement—there’s just, “I’m going to do what needs to be done in the moment.” If I’m sitting in the emergency room and I’m on call, and a patient walks in the door, I’m going to take care of the patient. If they don’t walk in the door, I’m going to do something else.

How is that different from reacting? Reacting sounds a little more emotional, whereas you’re saying responding sounds like emotion has been removed from the situation to some degree. In a sense, it is reacting—I’m responding to the situation. However, often when we react emotionally, we are carrying something with us from the past into the present moment, which can cause all kinds of problems.

For example, if I have infidelity issues, I worked with a patient who had a problem with infidelity in their partner. When they’re dating the next person, their fears of infidelity from the past come into the present, and then they react to the situation. They don’t actually respond perfectly to the situation; they color the situation with their past experiences.

=> 02:07:49

The key to a happier life is learning to respond rather than react, freeing yourself from past baggage and just being present with yourself.

In discussing the difference between reacting and responding, it is important to note that reacting sounds a little bit more emotional, whereas responding suggests that emotion has been somewhat removed from the situation. In a sense, I am responding to the situation, but often when we react emotionally, we carry something from the past into the present moment, which can lead to various problems. For example, I worked with a patient who had issues with infidelity in their past relationship. When they began dating someone new, their fears of infidelity resurfaced, causing them to react rather than respond appropriately to the new situation. They colored the present with their emotional baggage, which is not a clean way to respond.

An illustrative scenario is when I am on call and my friend tells me the night before that they had zero patients and slept all night. Then, when a patient walks in the door, I think to myself, "Why am I so unlucky?" This highlights that the majority, or even arguably all, of our unhappiness in life stems from what we carry with us. So, how do we reach a place where we can just respond?

I believe we need to heal that inner child and remove all past and future concerns from our minds. We must strive for nothing and simply be who we are. This concept can be challenging to grasp, but it is essential. There isn't a complex methodology that will work; it’s more about understanding that the answer is simple, even if it feels repetitive.

Sometimes, it’s beneficial to hear the same advice again, especially when asking logical questions about how to implement this idea of responding. So, I would suggest just sitting down and paying attention to yourself. That’s it. While we have discussed various techniques over the last couple of hours, the essence lies in exploring yourself. Allow impulses to surface and then ask yourself questions like, "Why do I feel this way? Why do I need to do this? Why is this easy for me, and why is this hard for me?" The more you explore these questions, the more you will understand yourself, leading to a greater sense of neutrality.

When you achieve a state of neutrality, it becomes easier to navigate life. For instance, if you don't care about what you eat, it doesn't matter what you choose; you will be happy with whatever you get. Our caring often causes the problem. Therefore, moving towards neutrality allows actions to become effortless. If I am not attached to something, whether it’s studying or playing a video game, it makes no difference to me. Life can then become enjoyable, free from worry.

It all starts with being with yourself and understanding your internal drivers. We don’t choose who we become; our brains adapt every day, and we cannot edit what we learn. This leads to the realization that we have a collection of learnings shaped by both negative and positive experiences, resulting in an internal schema for navigating the world that lacks intentionality. The first step is to be aware of what this roadmap looks like and to understand your blueprint. The more you comprehend this, the easier it will become to navigate life.

Would I recommend starting your day with a little gap for this awareness practice? I think it's brilliant. My partner does this; she spends the first 20 minutes of the morning sitting alone in a room doing nothing. I often look at her and think, "What a psychopath!" However, whether at the beginning or end of your day, during sunrise or sunset, engaging in a meditative practice can also help you reach this state of awareness. Sometimes, having a goal to focus on can make it easier to quiet the mind.

I plan to try this approach. I will attempt to spend my mornings, upon waking, simply being present and will text you to let you know how it goes.

=> 02:11:27

Awareness is the key to breaking habits; the more you recognize them, the easier it becomes to change.

Starting your day with a little gap for 100% awareness practice is highly recommended. I think it's brilliant. My partner does that; she spends the first sort of 20 minutes of the morning just sitting in a room by herself and doing nothing. I just look at her and think, "What a psychopath!"

This practice can be done at the beginning or the end of your day, during sunset or sunrise. You can also engage in meditative practices, which can sometimes be easier because they give your mind a goal to move towards. I’m going to try this. I’ll attempt to stay away from all devices in the mornings and just sit quietly. I’ll text you and let you know how I get on, and I promise to be honest about it—even if I can’t do it, I’ll still be honest.

One thing I would ask is that if you let me know how it goes, it may not go well, but you need to give me a chance to suggest a second thing to do. Why do I say that? Because I think we’re asking too much of you. Do you think I’m going to fail? Yes, I think you’re going to fail. However, I believe that if I tell you you're going to fail, you might try to succeed, and then we make a goal out of it, which means we’ve already failed. So just give me a second chance; I’ll figure it out. We have to trick you into doing it without letting you know that we’re doing it.

This reminds me of what you were saying about your wife giving birth before we started recording—about laying on your left because the kid likes it. The mind is so tricky! It will craft a goal for you out of this. When I thought about doing that, I found myself thinking, "Okay, sit in the morning for 20 minutes, and then after a week or two, you can come back on the podcast and tell people about it." But that’s just making this about an external thing again.

This realization is brilliant because it shows awareness. Change cannot happen while you’re blind; you need a good diagnosis for good treatment. This brings me to another interesting point about habits. For a habit to be effective, it’s essential to understand that a habit is automatic, which is what makes it appealing. Everyone is obsessed with habits because they happen automatically, allowing us to be lazy.

To demolish any habit, all you need is awareness. The circuits involved in your brain are completely different when it comes to habits versus awareness of the present moment. The habit circuitry in your brain is linked to the endocannabinoid system, while awareness is connected to your anterior cingulate cortex in your frontal lobes. You cannot have a habit and exert willpower at the same time. As you become aware and catch yourself engaging in a habit, it will chip away at it—1% at a time—until it disappears.

Is this why it’s useful to keep a diary or write things down? Yes, diaries can be beneficial for several reasons. First, they slow down the pace of your thinking because when you write, you write slower than you think, allowing you to meditate on your thoughts a bit more. Second, when we think in our heads, we use certain circuits of the brain, but writing activates our sensory inputs, enhancing our capacity to learn from those inputs.

Finally, when we think in our minds, we often end up in a different place than when we write. Writing helps to ground our thoughts and keeps us more connected to our present experience.

=> 02:15:21

Purpose isn't a destination; it's the attitude you bring to every action.

You write slower than you think, so you may need to meditate on your thoughts a little bit more. The second thing to consider is that when we think in our heads, we're using certain circuits of the brain. However, when we write, we activate our sensory inputs and our capacity to learn from those inputs, which is actually much higher. So, it's like activating a completely different part of the brain. Slowing down our thoughts and activating our sensory inputs is part of why a diary is useful.

Another important aspect of keeping a diary is that when we think in our minds, we often end up in a different place than when we write. It is much easier to fall into habitual patterns of thinking in our minds, while writing in a diary makes it significantly harder to maintain those habitual thoughts. Therefore, you will explore yourself more effectively using a diary. When I look at the first pages of my diary, I find a guy who is constantly evolving. This realization is really where the Diary of AO came to be; the start of the podcast was me sharing my diary and the things I wrote in it every day. Some of those early episodes focused on the subject of purpose, which is something I've heard you speak a lot about. That brings me to the conclusion of our conversation today.

So many people, as I know from the comments and DMs I receive, are struggling to find their purpose. Now, even as I say that, I realize I've loaded the question by using the word "find," which insinuates that there is some kind of search involved. Additionally, "purpose" is a singular word, suggesting that there is only one. However, you know what I mean. What is it that people are looking for, and why are they struggling to find it?

This is very simple. You can look at any human being on the planet and see that they all gravitate towards something: internal peace. Our hunger gives us a sense of peace when we eat, and our thirst gives us a sense of peace when we drink. Similarly, the feeling of a lack of self-respect indicates a lack of internal peace. This is what's kind of strange; we are chasing all these things outside of ourselves to create an internal state. No matter what you do in life, at some point, your actions will cross the barrier from the external to the internal and will make you feel a certain way. For example, why do we get married? To create a particular feeling. Why do we give someone a kiss? To create a particular feeling. Everything we experience is within us.

So, why is it so hard for people? We are all looking for inner peace, and that is the crux of the matter. The question then becomes: what makes it hard? Very simply, we are looking for it in the wrong place. We are searching for inner peace outside of ourselves. When we seek inner peace from external sources—like when people tell me, "Al, look, you're so great"—that peace lasts only as long as people are saying it. The real issue is that the biological organism develops a system of tolerance. Right now, you might have 10 million followers, but soon you'll need more, and then even more. We will crave more intense experiences, whether it's pornography, video games, or exciting TV shows. The nature of the human organism is to adapt to its surroundings, which is why you will never succeed if you rely on the outside world to make you happy. You will just want more and more.

This is why it is so hard for everyone. For the kids asking why they can't find their purpose, or those in jobs they don't like, or embarking on professional journeys without knowing their purpose, what do I say to them when they DM me? One thing I would emphasize is that purpose is an attitude, not a thing. It’s about taking any action and aligning it with your purpose through your attitude towards it. For instance, if I give you a meditation practice to sit and do nothing, and you view it as part of your purpose and growth, that mindset makes all the difference. Purpose is not a goal; it is an attitude.

I remember when I was in residency, sometimes students would come to me struggling. Since I'm a nice guy, they would seek my guidance.

=> 02:19:07

Purpose is an attitude, not a destination; it's how you approach every action that defines your journey.

Understanding Purpose and Attitude

When discussing purpose, it's essential to recognize that purpose is an attitude, not a thing. This means that the alignment of any action with your purpose depends on the attitude you adopt towards it. For instance, if I suggest a meditation practice where you sit and do nothing, your perception of it as part of your purpose and growth can significantly influence your experience. Thus, purpose is not a goal; it's fundamentally about the mindset you bring to your actions.

During my time in residency, I often encountered students who were struggling. As someone who is approachable, they would come to me expressing their lack of interest in learning certain subjects. In these situations, we would shift their purpose by altering their attitude. For example, if a student said, "I'm not interested in Psychiatry," I would explain that regardless of the medical field they choose, they will inevitably encounter patients with mental illnesses or addictions. I would emphasize that the worst days in medicine often stem from dealing with patients who have personality disorders, rather than from surgical complications. This understanding is crucial for their development as future practitioners.

Another common concern among students is the pressure to achieve high grades, particularly in a competitive environment like Harvard. Many are fixated on obtaining honors, but I remind them that they are not here solely to get honors; they are here to practice medicine. I often illustrate this point by asking them to imagine a scenario where they are on an airplane and the flight attendant calls for a doctor. In that moment, they cannot decline the responsibility simply because they are not interested. They are there to learn how to save lives, and this shift in attitude can profoundly impact their learning experience. Ultimately, it's not about the grades; it's about acquiring the knowledge and skills necessary for their future roles in medicine.

The Quarter Life Crisis

Many individuals appear to have found their purpose, yet they often experience what is termed a quarter life crisis. This phenomenon is increasingly common and typically arises when the reality of one's life diverges significantly from their dreams. For example, at 15, one might aspire to be a doctor or a programmer, but as they progress, they may find themselves in environments that do not align with their expectations.

The first stage of a quarter life crisis is the feeling of being trapped. After investing considerable time and energy into a chosen path, such as medicine or programming, individuals may feel stuck in a situation that no longer brings them joy. The second stage involves a sense of monotony in daily life. Many describe their routine as waking up, packing lunch, enduring traffic, working in an underappreciated role, and returning home to a cycle of self-care activities that feel unfulfilling. After enduring this pattern for an extended period, they begin to question, "Is this life? What else can I do?"

This crisis often leads to a mental disengagement from their jobs, resulting in a lack of passion and enthusiasm. Recognizing these stages is crucial for addressing the underlying issues and finding a path back to a fulfilling sense of purpose.

=> 02:22:38

Sometimes feeling trapped is the first step to discovering who you really are; checking out isn't failure, it's essential for growth.

Many individuals find themselves trapped in this situation because they've invested so much time into their current lives. The second thing that happens during a quarter life crisis is that people begin to feel a sense of monotony. They often describe their daily routine as follows: “I wake up every day, I pack my lunch, I drive in traffic, and I’m at my job where I’m underappreciated and not challenged. I drive home, and I’m supposed to take care of myself, so I listen to a podcast on the way home, work out, do laundry, eat a couple of chicken breasts, and then it’s time for sleep.” After doing this for about two years, many start to wonder, “Is this life? What else can I do?”

This feeling of being trapped leads to the second phase, where people mentally check out. They may feel detached from their jobs and lack passion. This is where a common mistake occurs: people attempt to re-engage with their lives, trying to cultivate a sense of joy. However, research on quarter life crisis indicates that mentally checking out is actually an important developmental step toward growth. If individuals do not check out of their existing jobs or relationships, there is no space in their minds for new opportunities. Thus, mentally checking out becomes a necessary part of the process.

Following this mental disengagement, things become more interesting. After feeling trapped and checking out, individuals often experience a phase of intentional moving away. For example, in my case, I literally went to India. It’s essential for human beings to create some amount of psychological or physical space. I have had patients who joined the military or drove cross-country; they needed that physical and mental space to distance themselves from what they had checked out from.

Now, you might wonder, “How do you find purpose?” It’s important to understand that purpose is not something you find; it is crafted. Once we mentally check out, we create the distance necessary to explore ourselves. If we don’t check out, we may feel guilt or a sense of obligation to stay, which can keep us stuck. This leads to a period of self-exploration and craftsmanship where we ask ourselves, “Who am I? What do I really want?”

In the first phase of our lives, we often live up to external expectations, focusing on what we think we should want, such as becoming a doctor. However, we may not truly listen to ourselves and instead are programmed by our conditioning. As we progress through the quarter life crisis, we start out being externally focused, feel trapped, check out, and then move away. Eventually, we discover who we are—not in the sense of finding something that was lost, but rather in crafting who you are and getting in touch with your true self.

The final phase of the quarter life crisis involves crafting an external world based on your internal environment. At this point, your internal compass begins to dictate your actions. You find relationships that resonate with you, and through trial and error, you discover what excites you. For many, growth becomes the focus, and endeavors shift toward helping others. This phase is about crafting your external life based on what you have learned about yourself internally.

However, the problem arises when people fail to recognize that this sequence is necessary and must be followed in order. I have seen many friends who have recently come to me for advice, particularly those who have quit their businesses. Some have sold their companies and taken a couple of months off, only to feel agitated and eventually return to their previous roles. I can think of two individuals who sold their companies at a young age and then spent a year or two trying to find themselves, only to go back to starting new companies. In fact, I have witnessed friends who returned to the same company they left, sometimes even buying it back or stepping back in as CEO. This pattern illustrates the complexities of navigating a quarter life crisis and the importance of understanding the necessary steps involved.

=> 02:26:25

The real growth happens when you pause and let your true purpose emerge from within, not when you chase the next opportunity.

Recently, I have had many friends come to me for advice regarding their experiences after selling their businesses. These are friends who have quit their business and sold their companies. After taking a couple of months off, they became so agitated that, in two notable cases involving very large companies, they returned to their previous ventures. I can think of two people who exemplify this situation. One individual sold a company at 29 for a significant amount of money and then spent a year or two trying to find themselves before going back to starting new companies. Interestingly, my friends actually went back into the same company; I have seen instances where they bought the company back or returned as CEO.

In one case, I witnessed someone who bought a company, mismanaged it, saw its value decline, and then bought it back. Ultimately, they ended up net positive and managed it well afterward. My mentor, Shaquille Khan, offered me valuable advice when I left my first business, which had granted me financial freedom. During a call in the middle of the pandemic, I expressed my uncertainty about what to do after selling my shares in a private transaction. He told me, "the hardest thing in the world for you to do and the most important thing for you to do is to do nothing." He emphasized that I needed to sit still and resist the urge to start a similar business, as the reasons for my initial success had expired.

Shaq advised that the motivation and purpose I would need moving forward would come from something entirely different, and I would need to create space for it to emerge. I often share this advice with founders who exit their businesses; they must endure the painful process of sitting on their hands for about a year and practicing patience. This aligns with what you mentioned about cultivating a new life from the inside out rather than the outside in.

You receive numerous opportunities and offers in that transitional space, but those are not necessarily yours; they haven't been cultivated by you. It’s a beautiful concept to live your life from the inside out rather than the outside in. This is precisely what you help people do, and it’s what you’ve helped me achieve every time we speak. On one hand, our conversations are incredibly informative, wise, and unique, as you blend various disciplines in a wonderfully smooth, fluent, and logical manner. My brain struggles when discussions become too fluffy or airy-fairy, but you weave these ideas together in a compelling way.

On the other hand, our discussions can be quite confronting, and I appreciate that, as it provides an opportunity for growth. It is an absolute honor to sit with someone as intelligent as you, who has attended prestigious institutions like Harvard, and to work through my struggles. As a podcaster, I realize that the most valuable contribution I can make to my audience is to be honest about myself. The information that is in greatest demand but in least supply in the world is people doing what we just did.

I love the way you articulate thoughts, and I believe that the success of this podcast hinges on your authenticity. We are inundated with derivative content, such as "five tips for this" and "ten techniques for that," but what is truly missing is authenticity. I have contemplated this extensively; my role is to ask questions. Over time, I have discovered that the best questions are those that stem from deep within my heart—questions I may have been too scared to voice. When I approach those profound questions, the resulting conversations become significantly more valuable for the audience. I can essentially rank our conversations based on how much the questions originated from my soul.

=> 02:30:05

Authenticity isn't just a buzzword; it's the secret sauce that transforms conversations and connections. When you ask the right questions from the heart, you unlock deeper insights and create real value.

The success of this podcast is largely attributed to the host's authenticity, which plays a significant role in the conversations. In a world saturated with derivative content, such as "five tips for this" and "ten techniques to do that," what is often missing is that genuine authenticity. The host reflects on this, stating, "I've thought about this so much man. It's like how do you ask?" As he continues, he shares that his job is to ask questions, and through his experience, he has realized that the best questions are those that come from deep within his heart—questions he might have been too scared to voice out loud.

When he gets closer to those soul-searching questions, the conversations become significantly more valuable for the audience. He mentions that he can essentially rank these conversations based on how much the questions stem from his soul. The metric he uses to measure this is the amount of feedback he receives from listeners, particularly the length of their messages. He observes that when he asks questions from his soul, the responses he gets are exponentially longer, often consisting of pages of thoughts. For instance, if he discusses a topic like the gut microbiome, he might receive brief feedback, but when the questions resonate deeply, the world seems to respond in kind.

The host expresses his love for this process, stating, "I think that's why I really love doing this. It's a privilege for me too." He acknowledges that this issue of authenticity is common and has been touched upon several times throughout the podcast. When asked about solutions, he shares a lesson learned from his ten years as a medical doctor: "It's not about finding the right answers; it's about asking the right questions." He emphasizes that answers are often external and may apply to many people, but true personal growth requires tailored solutions that are unique to the individual.

He continues to explain that the plethora of advice available on the internet often fails to apply to one's unique genetics, epigenetics, experiences, and traumas. Therefore, the key is to develop a personal plan that works specifically for oneself, which is more about methodology than simply finding answers.

When asked how he could be a better podcaster, he challenges the notion of "better," suggesting that he should recognize that he is enough as he is. "I don't think you can be a better podcaster, and I think you should stop trying," he advises. Instead, he encourages the host to continue doing exactly what he is doing, as it is all part of his journey. He elaborates that the concept of "better" is hypothetical, and the host should simply focus on being himself.

The host reflects on his life, noting that the more he has embraced simply being, the better everything has become, including his romantic relationship. He acknowledges a correlation between just being and the natural resolution of various aspects of life. This podcast was founded on the principle of being, which he admits was initially scary, especially when discussing personal topics publicly.

As the conversation draws to a close, the host introduces a tradition where the last guest leaves a question for the next. The question left for Dr. K is, "What is your rich life?" Dr. K responds thoughtfully, saying, "The only life I have is the one that I've got." He reflects on the adjectives used to describe life—rich, poor, good, or bad—and concludes that it ultimately doesn't matter. He shares a final thought, referencing a study on aging and the loneliness epidemic, and notes that as we grow older, our lives become objectively more complex.

=> 02:33:59

Embrace the bittersweetness of life; it's the key to finding contentment as we age.

Dr. K, we have a closing tradition on this podcast where the last guest leaves a question for the next. The question that's been left for you is: What is your rich life?

I guess the one that I've got—I mean, you know what? It doesn't matter what the adjective is. The only life I have is the one that I've got. So, what is my rich life? What is my poor life? What is my good life? What is my bad life? It's the one that I have.

I'll kind of leave with one last thought. I saw something really interesting in a study about aging. There’s all this loneliness epidemic going on, and it's really interesting because if you look at it scientifically, logically, as we get older, our life gets objectively worse. We lose friends; literally, over time, the number of friends you have starts to dwindle as they begin to pass away. We lose relationships, and our physical body starts to break down. So, like, our life objectively, by certain measures, gets worse.

What’s really interesting is that you’d expect old people to be more depressed because their life is objectively worse. Sometimes they are, but there’s one variable that correlates with being content in life versus being unhappy in life, and that is how okay you are with a bittersweet life. The more engaged you are with this concept of something being bittersweet as you get older, the more content you will be. So, I think my answer to that question is like embracing the bittersweetness of life. There’s piss in there and there’s sugar, and that’s just what it is.

Thank you so much, Dr. K. I really appreciate it. You’re a very special human being, and I feel indebted to you because, you know, I wish I could speak to you every day. But this is why people need to go read your books and follow your YouTube channel because, in that regard, we can. I hope to have many more conversations with you about all of these things as I continue on my journey towards—I don’t know where the [ __ ] I’m going, but thank you so much. You’re a really, really special human being. It’s been an honor to be here and an absolute pleasure.

Thank you so much, Stephen.

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Every single conversation I have here on the Diary of a CEO, at the very end of it, you’ll know I ask the guest to leave a question in the Diary of a CEO. What we’ve done is we’ve turned every single question written in the Diary of a CEO into these conversation cards that you can play at home. So, you’ve got every guest we’ve ever had, their question, and on the back of it, if you scan that QR code, you get to watch the person who answered that question.

We’re finally revealing all of the questions and the people that answered the questions. The brand new version 2 updated conversation cards are out right now at theonconversationcards.com. They’ve sold out twice instantaneously, so if you are interested in getting hold of some limited edition conversation cards, I really, really recommend acting quickly.

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