Bobby Lee | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von

Excited to announce new tour dates and merch drops—grab your tickets and gear now!

We have some new tour dates to announce. Bloomington, Indiana on November 13th at the Indiana University Auditorium, Columbus, Ohio on November 14th at the Shottenstein Center, Champaign, Illinois on November 15th at the State Farm Center, and Grand Rapids, Michigan on November 16th at the Van Andel Arena. We also have shows in Bend, Oregon; Spokane; Portland, Oregon; Vancouver in Canada; Oklahoma City; North Little Rock; Springfield; Kansas City, Missouri; Sioux Falls, South Dakota; La Crosse; Green Bay; Moline; Colorado Springs; Casper; Billings; Missoula; Lafayette; and Beaumont, Texas. Get all your tickets at theovon.com. Make sure to buy through that link so you aren't visiting a secondary site. Thank you so much for all of your love and support. Looking forward to seeing you there.

We've got new merch! Check out the new Return of the Rat tie-dye t-shirts in green and purple. We also have the Be Good to Yourself collection, Gang Gang hoodies, and much more. Visit theovonstore.com to explore the collection.

Today's guest is a comedian and an actor. He's my friend, and you know him from Tiger Belly and Bad Friends, as well as from all of his entertainment contributions over the past 20 years. Very fortunate to hang out today with Mr. Bobby Lee.

[Music]

I'll sit and tell you my stories.

[Music]

Shine on me and I will find a...

[Applause]

Take my Crocs off. You look like M enough. Don't start with that. You're going to open like that?

Okay, well, you look like you're... What you said to those girls I was with last night, that's what you're going to do? Like what you did to those girls last night? I was with the girls. They seemed like nice girls. Yeah, yeah. No, I was going to say you look like my science teacher, Mrs. Hayes. Dude, she was a dude. I'm tired of you right now, dude. No, I'm serious. Your attitude right now... We just got... She's a Creole woman. Oh, okay, so there's some brown in her? Yeah, yeah, like there's a lot of mixing. Listen, if I'm with a girl at The Comedy Store and you walk up and say something like, "Hey, you like hanging out with a boiled egg?" and then you walk away giggling, it doesn't make me look good. It doesn't make me look fine, and it hurt my feelings. You know what I mean? That's not a layup. You go up there, say that, and then just walk away. I get nothing from you. Right, right. Yeah, but you know what, dude? She laughed, and that's good. Well, I didn't mean it. I wasn't trying to throw you under the rickshaw or whatever. I thought a boiled egg was important in y'all's community or whatever. Yeah, I mean, a boiled egg is important in many communities. The Irish do it. Oh yeah, right. Probably Africa, they do. Probably have ostriches. Yeah, a potato is just a gay boiled egg, dude. You know what I'm saying? That's all a potato is. Yeah, that's true. Come on. Another thing is, she was cute. Thank you. Is it a girl you're dating? No, it's just somebody I was trying to hit on. Yeah, and I lost the momentum, and she'll probably never see me again because of the boiled egg comment. Not true. Yeah, 100% true. And you seem to do that a lot. Do I really? No, my bad, man. That was the one time. But here's another thing. I have some problems I have with you, so I just... I didn't write it down, but I'm going to show you. You got a JPEG? No, it's just a text that you gave me. Also, secondly, do you think that I should kinetically know where this place is? Yeah, I was supposed to tell you. Yeah, right? I was in the car driving like I don't know where this place is. I know. And then number three... Okay, so a couple, maybe two weeks ago or last week ago, bro, I need podcast guests next week. Can you help me? Which, I'm your friend, dude, right? Thank you. But then you also say, "Also, I don't know if you've heard, but I'm bi." And then I didn't know how to take that, so I just said, "I'm down." Right? I said, "I'm down." Right? And we kind of moved on from it. Right. That doesn't concern you because apparently you were joking here. Well, when you said, "I'm down," I'm like, is he showing up to podcast? Oh, I see. Is he showing up?

=> 00:05:38

Even if we were both attracted to men, I don't think we'd ever hook up because we're just friends.

Firstly, do you think I should kinetically know where this place is? I was supposed to tell you, but while driving, I realized I don't know where this place is.

Secondly, a couple of weeks ago, I needed a podcast guest for the next week and asked if you could help me. You, being my friend, agreed. Then you mentioned, "I don't know if you've heard, but I'm bi." I didn't know how to take that, so I just said, "I'm down," and we moved on from it. This doesn't concern you because apparently, you were joking. When you said, "I'm down," I wondered if you were showing up to the podcast or something else. I should have clarified that I would do your podcast, but even if you thought I was serious, you didn't correct me.

Thirdly, if you were bi, I would be fine with it. If I were bi, I think I would know. You would have an inkling or something, like your ears would ring when you got around a gay dude. I didn't know if you were coming to the podcast or for something else. I think we've known each other for so long that even if there was sexual attraction, we wouldn't act on it.

Furthermore, if we both had sexual attraction to each other or to men, I don't think you would find me attractive. However, you said you would, 100%. You even promised to take me out, and I reciprocated, but thank God we don't have that attraction.

Hypothetically, if something happened where all the women disappeared, like a big sinkhole or a big sale, we would have a date. But those are just friends hanging out.

Lastly, Stino keeps FaceTiming me, and I just picked it up. He told me he threw the first pitch at a Cubs game, and I congratulated him. It's silly that he FaceTimed me for that, but at least he cares.

In conclusion, I have a lot of gripes, but we would still have a date if all women disappeared. However, those would just be friends hanging out. Also, congratulations on your success, even if I don't remember the first gripe.

=> 00:09:52

Even in the same fanbase, some people just don't get you.

I've seen them in museums. What about throwing like a hot bow or something? Bow bun? I've done that, yeah, many times. Yeah, Grandma check. Catch, you know what I mean? Whatever the language is. But my last gripe is this, and then we can talk normally. All right? Yeah, I'm sorry about that, man. About what? Whatever the first gripe was. You don't remember? Honestly, you don't remember? I had a couple of gripes, but you didn't want to with me. Okay, that's good.

So here's another thing. I don't know what happened to you, and congratulations, by the way. For what? For being white. I don't know, messed up. I don't know. Congratulations for being so white. No, but your success and stuff. But something happened where, you know, a lot of times you and I share the same people, fans, right? But you've tapped into a fan base that doesn't like me that much. No way. And I'll tell you who they are: supermodel gypsies. Really? They have Hannah tattoos on their necks. Right. They look at me like, at the store last night, they were like, they want to say ching chong. Oh yeah, yeah. And guess what, dude? You know what I want to tell them? If Theo is the Beatles, I'm definitely Yoko Ono. Right? I'm a part of the, you know what I mean, like I'm a part of the ecosystem of The Beatles or whatever, right? But they looked at Yoko and went e, like, are you a part of it? You're just a fan, right? Unlike, we call, we're friends, you know what I mean? You're at least Chingo Star. Chingo Star, dude, right on. Yeah.

So, I'm sorry, man. Really, I feel like everywhere I go, everybody wants to ask me about you. It could be anybody: construction workers, people inside of a building, it could be somebody that's a businessman, a woman at a counter, everywhere I go, hospitals, people are like, oh, tell me. Well, wait, wait. Stop. What? I don't get it. So what do people say? No, no, no, no, no. Stop. Stop. At hospitals? Yeah, you're saying so the construction workers, the nurses, the hospitals, are they all Asian? Because you just made a voice. No, they're fans of yours. I know, I understand that, but are they all Asian fans or just, are there whites too? Because when you did the accent, it wasn't clear. Oh, I just, yeah, I think they're Asian. Tell me how you, tell me, tell me, this is what you did. Tell me about what you know about the bbby. Is that what you want to say? Did you not go into an accent though? Did I? Maybe you didn't. Do it again. A lot of them. Do it again. Okay. A lot of them would be like, I'm Theo. Okay, I'm walking. Hey man, hey man. Hey, are you Theo? Hey, uh, oh, you. So no accent. Tell me about Bubby Lee. The Mexicans, yeah. Tell me about bbby. Tell me about Roberto Le.

So how did you tap into this new fan base? I don't know who they are. You talking women with Hannah tattoos? I didn't see them. First of all, they sound like witches. Okay, so I don't even believe in them. They sound white as [__], dude. Also, you're probably going to be fine. They sound white, bro. I don't know, man. Do you want to? I'm your fans. Your fans are all over, Bobby. They're all over. What? Everything. Every time I meet somebody, they're like, tell me about him. Where can we get him? Oh, like I'm a, like a por. No, like you're one of those por is, uhuh. Okay. You're like one of those little head dolls that comes in that box. What are those things called? Bobbleheads? No, it's pork. Funko Pop. Yeah, Funko Pop. Oh, Funko Pop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Funko Pop. I like a Funko Pop. Yeah, yeah. So they ask as if I'm something that you could buy. Yeah. Or they just, well, you can M if you MK produce me. You think you can make money? Oh my God, if you had cloning technology, bro. If we had here, put one of your hands up right now like that little cat that's for magic at the, uh, no, Korean salon or whatever you're talking about. I know what the cat is. I know. They go, the good luck one. Like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Um, oh yeah, that. Yeah, that's kind of it. That's cool. All right. Well, I mean, thanks. But no, man, I'm, yeah, if somebody was rude to you, man, I'm sorry. Rude? It's just like they don't know who I am. That's not true, Bobby. No, those Hannah tattooed, you know, Gypsy witches that you hang, that they like you. No, they're all beautiful, by the way. I didn't, I don't know them. Oh, you do. What's that? You're talking about Kat Von D, dude. No, I love her, bro. She's the best. Yeah, I've worked with her before. She's the best. You have? A long, long time ago. Yeah, she's very, very, very white. It's like she's like a creature that's like...

=> 00:13:55

Kat Von D is like a midnight mirage—ephemeral and captivating.

Salon or whatever you're talking about, I know what the cat is. I know they go the good luck one like yeah yeah. Yeah, that's kind of it. That's cool. All right, well, I mean thanks, but no man. If somebody was rude to you, man, I'm sorry. It's just like they don't know who I am. That's not true, Bobby. No, those Hannah tattooed Gypsy witches that you hang with, they like you. They're all beautiful, by the way. I didn't know them. Oh, you do? What's that? You're talking about Kat Von D, dude? No, I love her, bro. She's the best. I've worked with her before. She's the best. You have? A long, long time ago. Yeah, she's very, very white. It's like she's almost like something that happens at midnight for 40 minutes. She's very effervescent, you know what I'm talking about?

What do you mean at midnight for 40 minutes? It's like a dried... the vagina opens. No, no, no, no. She's married. Like a mirage or whatever. But that's also a vagina opening. Oh yeah, well apparently. If you have to do this with a girl, do you think the vagina's too big? You've been in some coochie tunnels, I'll say that. You've been underground. What kind do you like? Do you like the ones that stick out or the ones that are tucked? I kind of like the ones that look like they have a little bit of lip liner on them. Yeah, I like the combination of both. When one lip is sticking out and one's tucked in. Like one of them, it's like the Banh Mi. I don't like if there's too much Banh. If it's a Banh Mi kind of vibe. Yeah, there's too much Banh.

When's the last time you hooked up with a girl? Is this too personal? You don't want to talk about it? Let me think. It's probably been... What women don't know is I think that you are very picky. I have to get this off my chest, man. I told you about this last night. I've been dating this person, and every time we, and rarely do we do this, make beautiful love. She goes, "Yeah, when I was eight years ago, I hooked up with Theo." But she says it every time we're naked, and it hurts me. That's all, and I want to share that with you.

That's crazy. I don't believe her. Oh, so you don't believe that you did hook up with her? No, I don't believe her at all. You know what? I don't believe her either because I know that you are very picky, and you take your time. They call me LMO. You do long strokes. I do strokes. I say it's long even though it isn't. I'll be like, "Oh, that's long." You know what I mean by long strokes? I'm thinking you're assuming sexual. Well, you know, here's what I don't like: people that are like, you know, I'm talking about somebody with aorta issues or whatever. Sometimes, yeah. Like somebody just stroking for distance. He strokes for a quarter mile. It's sort of like, you know, in the Olympics, they do the breaststroke, but if you slow it down. You know what I mean? You do those? Yeah, I do some of that. I do long, and I take a nap. Then I do short, and then I rest.

You're almost like a symphony of music, kind of with like a half note, quarter note. You know what you're doing here? Whole rest. You know when you do this, that's Asian vagina. Is it really? That's a lie, huh? No, it's a lie. It's all folklore. Is it? It's regular like everyone else. For years, I remember I almost made love to a Korean woman one time years ago, and this was in Idaho. Her legs kind of didn't separate. It was almost like you ever get really strong chopsticks and you can't open them? It was just like that, bro. I swear to God, no offense to that lady. Maybe it was a mermaid. Was it a mermaid? I don't know. Are there Korean Asian mermaids? There have to be. Bring that up, bring up an Asian mermaid or something. Beached Asians or whatever, because if there were...

=> 00:18:07

Asian mermaids exist, and they probably love sushi.

Do this, that's Asian vagina." "It is, yeah." "It's lenty, is it really?" "That's a lie, huh?" "No, it's a lie. It's all folklore, is it?" "It's regular like everyone else."

For years, I remember I almost made love to a Korean woman one time, years ago. Her legs kind of didn't separate. It was almost like you ever get really strong chopsticks or whatever and you can't open them. It was just like that, bro, I swear to God. No offense to that lady, maybe she was a mermaid.

"Right, was it a mermaid?" "I don't know." "Yeah, are there Korean Asian mermaids?" "There have to be, huh? Bring that up, bring up an Asian mermaid or something." "Beached Asians or whatever, because if there were, they probably eat their own because they love sushi."

"Oh, here we go, wow, yeah there are." "And I'm the by one dude, this dude will swim through West Hollywood, brother." "I was in Hawaii that day, and I saw that at a store and I bought it immediately and I ran to the beach." "I go take this photo, dude, would you dude, I'm telling you right now."

"Oh, Little Mermaid, oh Little Mermaid would be better." "Oh, with me in it?" "No, yeah, it wouldn't be Little Mermaid, it'd be fat mermaid." "But you, they have like up where they walk, up where they are, up where they play day in." "Zoom the music would change." "Wondering free, yeah, yeah, we I could be, yeah part of that world."

"Bobby Lee, man, good to see you." "Good to see you, man." "Oh, those are my gripes, we're good." "Appreciate it, you know." "You know you've been going on the road, my friend, my boy Amir K." "Yeah, he's wonderful, he's a wonderful man, dude, very funny." "Like we're going fishing next week up in Oregon actually." "Yeah, he loves fishing, he's good at it." "Yeah, and you're doing shows up there?" "Yeah, he's a good dude."

"And you don't tour as much, people want to see you more places, but you don't like leaving as much, is that true?" "Just yeah, that's okay." "I don't go out at all, in fact like I um I'm going up to Vancouver on the 12th and I'm doing with Seura and Seura is like, well can you do the day before and then the day after too because I'm playing Eugene in some place in Colorado and uh I just do Vancouver, you know what I mean?"

"I just, uh, you don't like being away from home?" "Well, I mean just truth of the matter is, is that I like doing stand-up in spurts." "Yeah, and I'm not addicted to like a lot, I see like Santino and all these guys, they're all addicted to the, you know, they're dopamine hits." "Not dopium, OP, wait, dopamine." "Dopamine hits, dopamine hits, right, doing shows and it's like I've just never been addicted to that, that dopamine hit."

"You know, I love being at home." "Yeah." "Yeah, and I don't know how you do it because every time I'm online I see you, you're in Australia or wherever, whatever, and you're killing it and it's like I'm happy for you but I just never had that addiction to it, you know."

"I think because of the fact that like early on, I had just so much trauma from it from being on stage." "Yeah." "Like one time I was at a casino gig in New Jersey, I forgot what it was called, and it's a casino gig that everyone played." "Montenegro, mon, I don't know, I don't know what it was but it was like, um, and I remember they had this red curtain behind the stage and I remember one show I bombed so hard because this is before I think now, you know, because I have fans that get me, you know what I mean."

"And um, but before when I was just on Mad TV and stuff like my fans, they, I mean they were, they knew me from sketch and so they wanted to see me do, you know what I mean, um, my catchphrases." "Yeah." "Like, you know, sometimes I do or oh, oh hot dog or whatever, right, like Home Alone or whatever."

"Yeah, I'm talking about why don't they have an Asian Home Alone?" "Why don't you all make a Home Alone, right?" "Well, the home is made out of rice paper, aren't they?" "Yeah, sure, yeah, yeah, and it's like, yeah, and they could get in quickly, the burglars, right, they could just run through like the Hulk, right." "So maybe that's why." "I think it'd be a 10-minute movie then." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, me get me, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm home alone, I'm dying or whatever."

"That's very good, clever dude, you got well I think different cultures should all have their own films." "Okay, let's talk about it." "So I think that they should be, uh, there should be a Castaway, right, but all an Asian guy, right, and see but instead of him talking to the volleyball, what they call him, Wilson, Wilson, right, instead of that he...

=> 00:22:21

Different cultures should have their own unique versions of classic films.

Why don't they have an Asian Home Alone? Imagine a home made out of rice paper. The burglars could just run through it like the Hulk, making it a very short movie, maybe just 10 minutes. The idea is clever, but it highlights how different cultures should have their own films. For instance, an Asian Castaway could feature a man who, instead of talking to a volleyball named Wilson, creates a volleyball factory. This version would focus more on industry, work ethic, and resilience, with the protagonist managing multiple stores and factories.

An Asian Wizard of Oz would also be interesting. The Tin Man could have a label saying "Made in China," explaining why he's broken. Instead of Toto, the dog could be missing because someone joined the Clean Plate Club. Dorothy wouldn't want to go to Kansas; she'd aim for Tokyo. When clicking her heels, she might say something like "somewhere over the rainbow roll."

The cast could include Ali Wong as the Wicked Witch of the West and Whitney as the Witch of the East. The Scarecrow could be filled with dried rice instead of hay, and the Cowardly Lion could be replaced by a panda. This reimagining would add cultural twists while keeping the essence of the original story.

In Australia, people sometimes refer to Asians as "aans," which can be confusing. This term was encountered in a hotel where the staff mentioned having a lot of "aans," leading to some initial confusion about who they were referring to.

=> 00:27:06

Sandals, sunscreen, snacks for the kids—what do these have in common? Well, you're probably buying a ton of those again this summer, but don't stress about the cost. Use Ibotta and get cash back on all your purchases when you stock up on all your summer essentials. Ibotta is a free app that lets you earn cash back every time you shop. Earn on hundreds of items from groceries to beauty supplies, even toys, so you can make sure you're beating inflation no matter what you're purchasing. The average Ibotta user earns $256 per year. That could cover the cost of an entire shopping trip, that flight you've been eyeing, or the fancy dinner you've been craving. Right now, Ibotta is offering our listeners $5 just for trying Ibotta by using the code Theo when you register. Just go to the App Store or Google Play Store and download the free Ibotta app to start earning cash back and use code Theo. That's I-B-O-T-T-A in the Google Play or App Store and use code Theo.

You're heading to an event, taking your spouse or your friend to see a game, a ballerina, or go to the dog track, and you might need tickets. Well, the only ticketing app that gives you complete peace of mind with your purchase is Game Time. You heard me, Game Time. You love going to concerts, you love going to shows, Game Time is the way to do it. Game Time has a new feature called Game Time Picks that makes getting tickets for concerts and events even easier. Game Time Picks filters out the fluff to show you only incredible deals on great seats, so you don't have to waste time searching through thousands of tickets. Take the guesswork out of buying concert tickets with Game Time. Download the Game Time app, create an account, and use code WEEKEND for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code W-E-E-K-E-N-D for $20 off. Download Game Time today. Last-minute tickets, lowest price, guaranteed.

Can I just say something about you? You are one of the nicest guys I think I've ever met in comedy. Really? Yeah, thanks, man. I mean, can I give you my list? Okay, and you'll probably know, but let's talk about men. Okay, I'll talk about women too, but I think aside from you, let's grade them from 1 to 10 on niceness. Okay, let's do it.

Greg Fitzsimmons—oh my God, nine out of 10 for sure. He has a new book that just came out. What's it called? It's a special, and he has a new video book that just came out, special. And on YouTube, he was just on your podcast about it, wasn't he? No, Greg Fitzsimmons, you mean? So check that out. I love him.

Ufim Manoir—oh, nine. Yeah, I don't think anybody wants to be a 10, right? They have a little bit of a thing that makes them not be a 10. Yeah, they're sick perverts, dude. Yeah, so that keeps everybody a little lower.

Nick Glazer—eight or nine for men. If she's supposed to be male, then she's doing a bad job. Yeah, bad job. Female, nine. For a female, I think she's a nine. Let's try to find a 10. There's no 10.

=> 00:31:59

Celebrity ratings are fun, but true connections are what really matter.

Simmons oh oh my God, nine out of 10 for sure and he has a new book that just came out. What's it called? It's a special, and he has a new video book that just came out, special, yeah. And on YouTube, he was just on your podcast about it, wasn't he? No, Greg Fitzsimmons. You, me, so check that out. I love him.

Alright, so let's go. U fim manoir oh n nine nine. Yeah, I don't think anybody wants to be a 10, right? They have a little bit of thing that makes them not be a 10. Yeah, they're sick perverts, dude. Yeah, so that keeps everybody a little lower. Nikki Glazer, eight or nine for men. Sex, if she's supposed to be male, then she's doing a bad job. Yeah, bad job. Female, nine. Yeah, for a female, I think she's a nine. Let's try to find a 10. There's no 10, the nicest guy in comedy. I don't think I can find a 10 then, because if Greg Fitzsimmons is a nine, maybe Jelly Roll, Sebastian. Sebastian's a nice guy.

Nice guy for a busy guy. He always tries to communicate and stay tapped in, but he's also, oh my God, I want to get in trouble, but oh God, I try to edit my stuff now, man, so I got to think clearly, dude. But I want to say, I believe if you're in his visual range, right, somebody that he has a relationship with, that he's a 10. I think he's a 10. But I don't think that if you're not in his visual range or in his ecosystem, it's hard to get in. Yeah, because he's so elusive. He'll park his car, he'll do a set, and there's no way of like, you know what I mean, going yo yo yo, let's you, I'm a comic too or whatever, and developing a relationship. I think he knows the people he knows, and that roster is filled.

That's what I think. I think at a certain point, you've done all of that, and it's like you only have so much bandwidth. You have children, you have a wife and parents, and I think it's just, yeah, that's, you know, I don't know if doing a lot of that stuff, glad-handing and stuff, it's not his thing really. But you're good at it. Well, I feel desperate probably to be a people pleaser. No, because the truth is, last night when I was with those two girls, that's where with, no, the other one was a stray. Well, whatever, dude, she knew that I was going to probably go say hi to you, and she went to your show. Well, it's funny that a stray went missing around an Asian. I like it.

Yeah, yeah, but, and I knew that I'm like, got come Theo, I don't have that thing like, oh, this could backfire. You know, sometimes people are like that, where like a girl would go, hey, can I, oh, okay, so my friend Allan Meadows, I grew up, I went to high school with him. He was at the store maybe a month ago, and he's never been to the store, and he's never, he's like so, like, he's one of those high school friends that are just so stoked for you. You know what I mean, and I love this guy. And we're at the store, and he sees Mark Maron, and he goes, can you introduce me? And for a split second, I was like, I don't know, you know, I did it.

Yeah, and Mark was also eating pizza, which I've never seen him do. I've never seen him eat anything. I know, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, me either. So it's, yeah, it's scary to introduce. He was nice though. Yeah, but you don't know, you know what I mean. Well, Mark doesn't pretend a lot, I don't think, you know, so I feel like you know you're going to get the real Mark. It's like Bill Burr, you're going to get who they are at that moment.

Do you get scared to run into him when you walk up to him? Bill? Yeah, Bill Burr, I get like, and I feel bad, it's just me. He came on the show last night, dude. He jumped on the show. Yeah, I know, it was awesome, dude. I stood on the side, and I was like, I need to go home and work right now. I did not want to tell a joke. He's just, he is, I mean, he is the best maybe. I think he's the best. But there's just something about like me and we're doing bad friends. He was upstairs, I guess, in an editing place, and he was editing a special. We didn't know that. So we're just doing bad friends, and he just walks in. We had no idea, and it was almost as if I was tongue-tied. You know what I mean?

I mean, he's done Tiger Belly a bunch of times. I've been to his house. I'm friends with him. I love the guy, right. But every once in a while, I get tongue-tied, like I don't know what to say. And I'm always like, he's one of those guys where it's like you let him talk. Yes, and then you go, yeah man.

=> 00:35:46

Meeting your idols can be as nerve-wracking as meeting a crush.

It was awesome, dude. I stood on the side and thought, "I need to go home and work right now." I did not want to tell a joke. He's just the best. Maybe I think he's the best, but there's just something about him. When we were doing "Bad Friends," he was upstairs in an editing place, working on a special. We didn't know that. So, we're just doing "Bad Friends," and he just walks in. We had no idea. It was almost as if I was tongue-tied. I mean, he's done "Tiger Belly" a bunch of times, I've been to his house, and I'm friends with him. I love the guy, but every once in a while, I get tongue-tied. I don't know what to say. He's one of those guys where you let him talk, and then you go, "Yeah, man, that's cool, dude."

Last night, I was all embarrassed. It was almost like a hot chick was there. At certain points, I couldn't even look at him. I just looked at my other friend, and we were both supposed to be listening to him but ended up looking at each other. He's also a super nice guy, which is also rattling. I kind of wish he was a dick. His material is so like him that there's something intimidating about him, but I don't think he means it to be that way. His material is just so in our heads.

When he left, the residual of him being there was still around. People were like, "Oh, Bill was just here." It was like the Wizard of Oz when that storm hit; people were putting their windows back together. Maybe he could be the wizard in our Asian Wizard of Oz.

Anyway, I'm going to tell you something that happened to me the other day. What would you do in this situation? Do you think it's because we're intimidated by his talent? Sorry, I want to go back to what you're saying. I'll go back to what you're saying. I just want to know. No, it's good. We can just cut. That's fine. I'm going to tell you who, in my opinion, has the same vibe when they're around.

Chappelle, obviously. Chris Rock. Chris will go, "So what's up, man?" and I'm always like, "H, you know I like you." I get really tongue-tied with that dude. One Christmas, I don't know if I told you about this. That's his movie, "One Christmas." It's such a great movie. I was on a date, and I watched a movie with this girl. Have you been to Third Street Promenade? So, I went on this date, and I tried to hold her hand in the theater, but she kind of scooted it away. I couldn't get any vibes from her.

Afterwards, we went to Barnes & Noble. You know how they have the magazine section? We wandered in there during Christmas. She was white, and we were looking at some periodicals. Chris was there. I swear to God, he looks at the girl and says, "This guy right here, one of the funniest in the business." Then he goes, "Merry Christmas," and walks away. I hooked up with that girl that night.

He's one of them. Another one is Sarah Silverman. She's very sweet, but there's a little bit of self-awareness when I'm around her. I want to watch what I say. But then there are people I don't give a [__] about, like Santino. He's my friend. That's what it is—real friend, bad friend. He's a BLM guy.

=> 00:39:54

Real friends are the ones you can be yourself around without a filter.

He comes out, looks at the girl, and I swear to God, he says, "This guy right here, one of the funniest in the business. Wow. Merry Christmas," and then walks away. I hooked up with that girl last night. That was a layup.

Sarah Silverman is another one. She is very sweet, but there is a little bit of self-awareness when I'm around her. I want to watch what I'm going to say and how I'm behaving. However, with people like Santino, I don't give a [__]. He's my friend, a real friend, even if he's a bad friend. He's a BLM guy; he said Bobby Lee matters.

When asked if I'm intimidated by Joe Rogan, I think maybe less and less over time. He has such a good memory; it's almost like he is a computer chip. People don't realize it, but he knows everything.

You look more put together lately, like you're in your fisherman era, kind of like boat Bobby or live bait Bobby. I've gone through some things and evolved. That little yellow bad boy, that piss scallop. Did you hear that? When you call me piss scallop, I didn't say that. Maybe my ears are broken.

Let's change the subject. Where were you when Trump got shot? I was at home. When I wake up in the mornings, I have a coffee, bust out my iPad, and check the news. I remember watching it and thinking, "What a sad day for our country."

When asked about Donald Trump, I was nervous, more nervous than I've ever been in my life. I had some ideas planned, but I was super nervous. It was like having a date you're excited for after a long week. We had 52 minutes, which can go fast, especially when he gets on a tangent. I tried to ctail him a little bit.

With the clips I've seen, I think you were pretty good. Thanks, man. I tried my best. I thought it was interesting, and he was nice. I got to meet Ivanka and her husband, which was cool. There are a lot of Asians for Trump out there.

Can I say something? I'm not the president of Asians. You seem to think I'm their leader, like there's a monthly gathering where I get all this information and then go out to the world as their spokesperson. I'm not Kim Jong-un; you're like scam Jong-un. I think Kim Jong-un and I come from the same body type, like if they made a factory of Asians, I'm the same mold as Kim Jong-un and Benedict Wong.

=> 00:44:05

Not all Asians think the same about Trump; we're not a monolith.

How do Asians feel about Trump? Well, let's say it, man. Can I say something to you? Yeah, I'm not the president of Asians. I seem to think that you seem to think that I'm their leader. Like every month there's a gathering, right? And I get all this information from people, and then I go out to the world as their spokesperson or something. I don't know what the [__] you're talking about. You're like Kim Jong-un. No, I'm not Kim Jong-un. You're like a smaller, you're like Scam Jong-un. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I think that Kim Jong-un and I come from the same body type. If they made a factory of Asians, I'm the same mold as Kim Jong-un and Benedict Wong. You know Benedict Wong? I don't think so. You ever see Doctor Strange? No. You have the very Emperor's body. That's Benedict Wong. Oh, you guys, yeah, that's the area you're in right now, Bobby. So that's like the same mold. He's a great guy, by the way, Benedict Wong. But it's like, you know, he just went more action with his body. Good for him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have very like the emperor that inherits the castle type of, you know, thank you, dude. That's the best.

Regarding Asians and Trump, I don't know if there, you know, I know Steven Chong. You know him? Yeah, he's, I think, look up Stephen Chun. I think he's an attorney for Trump. Is it Stephen Chong, Republican? Yeah, he's with the Trump campaign. Nice. So if you want to ask about Asians and Trump, ask Stephen. That'd be cool to meet Stephen or to get him to. Did you see that Asian guy at the Trump rally? No, tell me. Bring it up. Oh, yeah, this is, oh, this guy. Okay, what happens to this guy? It's like gays and Asians meeting or whatever, or this Asian guy meets this woman. Let's see what happens. I like your smile. I'm serious right now. Guess how old I am. 22. 16. You're 16, but if you want to kiss me, I will kiss you. Don't act scared. Come on. This is my first kiss. Come on, bend over. I can't reach.

[Music] I came to this country to find love. I want to find me a good American woman. I'm not a woman. Oh, I'm not a woman. Wait, what? He keeps thinking I'm a woman. I'm a man. Yeah, yeah, kiss. That for Trump, bro. He kissed the dude for Trump, bro. That's a gun right there for sure, dude. Wow, bro, that was [__] weird. It's almost as if it's like AI or something. Wow, AI Brian. Yeah, wow. Yeah, his name is Brian. Brian, yeah. I don't know what went wrong with him, but you know. Yeah, play that last part again. Yeah, tell you to find love. I want to find me a good American woman. I'm not a woman. Oh, I'm not a woman. Wait, what? He keeps thinking I'm a woman. I'm a man. Yeah, bro, that's Elton. Yeah, dude. Wow, wow. Is there more? Are there more Asians for Trump? Because who do Asians support, Trump or not? Okay, I think some do. Yeah, I'm sure some do. When it comes to the economy, probably, you know what I mean?

This is a Trump country. We live in the Southeast. We drink sweet tea. We don't drink socialist Kool-Aid. Wow, so they're out there. What, like this is a sweet tea country? We don't drink socialist Kool-Aid? Wow, dude, I wrote that speech for him. Did you know that? At the meeting, I did. Yeah, his speech writer. Dude, he said it perfectly the way I wrote it. He did. Yeah, the Kool-Aid, socialist, all that [] was in there. Dude, what a great, what percent of Asians are supporting Trump though, do you think? Are you trying, let me ask you something with this line of questioning. Are you trying to get what my political affiliation is? No, right? I ain't going to tell you, dog. Okay, yeah, and I have to say this. I'm in the middle. Yeah, what do you mean? It's a good question, man, because obviously there are things that I like. You know, I like both sides. Like a woman's right to choose. I don't give a []. I want them to have the right to choose. It's not me. It has nothing to do with me, right? I just think, I mean, I'm kind of in the middle of one side, kind of, you know what I'm saying? A little bit more. What do you mean? Huh? So you're in the middle of one side? Yeah, okay. I think I've always been. I mean, I love the fact that Trump brought over RFK Jr. I'm still pissed that the Democrats railroaded Bernie Sanders. Me too. That [__] it's like, is democracy even real?

=> 00:48:50

Navigating the middle ground in politics is tough, but staying true to your own values and setting boundaries is key.

Right, I ain't going to tell you, dog. Okay, yeah, and I have to say this, I'm in the middle. Yeah, what do you mean? It's a good question, man, because obviously there are things that I like. You know, I like both sides. Like a woman's right to tr—I don't give a [__]. I want them to have the right to. It's not me, it has nothing to do with me, right? I just think, um, I mean, I'm kind of in the middle of one side, kind of, you know what I'm saying? A little bit more.

What do you mean, huh? So you're in the middle of one side? Yeah, okay. I think I've always been. I mean, I love the fact that Trump brought over RFK Jr. I'm still pissed that the Democrats railroaded Bernie Sanders, uh, four and eight. Me too, that [__]. It's like, is democracy even real in this country anymore? I don't know. Okay, that's what I don't even know anymore. I don't even know if all of us are just being played. That's what it starts to feel like.

I generally don't like talking about politics, but I'll say this: I'll say that one side, you know, is more supportive of what I do for a living. What do you do? Okay, okay, you mean comedy? Comedy, comedy. Okay, you mean so freedom of speech or whatever? Yeah, okay. I think one side is a little more sensitive than the other side, and so you know, I struggle with that fact. Yeah, you know, look man, I've voted for Obama and I voted for Trump, so I'm not a—I am open to anything.

Yeah, I've never really voted. Really? No, I voted for Obama one season. You did? One season, I did. Um, what? You see, here's—you did. I want to go back to my—remember the original question I had? Yeah, like from 15 minutes ago, and then you were like, oh, I want to go back to that and we never did. Oh, about what? I forgot. Being bisexual or whatever? No, no, after that. Um, I didn't even explain it to you. Something happened to me the other day. I was going to ask you, like, what would you do in that situation?

Yeah, what was it? So I was at a gas station, right, and I'm pumping gas, and there's a guy like right in back of me pumping gas, you know? And he looks at me, he goes, "Yo dude, can I get a photo?" Right? And I—dude, that day, dude, I had gone through it. I was beaten down, I was tired, I was in a really bad mood, and I go, "Yeah, okay." And he goes, "Ah, never mind then," because I wasn't enthusiastic about the photo, right? You know, what does one do in that situation?

I think you just got to respect it because I think it played out like it was supposed to, you know? But then I go, "I'll take a photo." He's like, "No, man." Now you're the bad guy. Now I'm the bad guy. He's like, "I don't want a photo with you because," you know, I mean, what he's basically trying to say is because I wasn't like, "Yeah, let's take a photo, you and me forever," right? He wanted that reaction. When I gave him an organic like, "Yeah, dude," you know, I didn't say this, but it's like, "I'm [__] tired, but I'll do it." I've never said no to anybody.

Well, that's part of the problem. Yeah, yeah, and sometimes you have to, like, because yeah, I would be like that forever, and now I started to set my own boundaries. Like, "Hey man, I'm having a bad day, I don't feel like it, I'm at the gym, I'm just trying to work out," or little things like that because you also don't want to interrupt your train of thought, sometimes your imagination or whatever, because every time you like, you know, so sometimes that can be a bit overbearing.

You killed it in Sweet Dreams. Oh, in the movie? Thanks, killed it in that. Thanks, dude. Yeah, I would like to make something. I just want to make something of my own. You will. That's the only thing. I don't want to be a part of something anybody else is. I understand that, but the test is—and you passed it, I think—is to do a project that you have nothing to do with, show up and say other people's words, and you know, you're doing it with real actors and people that have been doing it for years, and just holding your own and being natural and being good, you know what I mean? And so I just wanted to give you those props, you know, because you really did kill it.

Thanks, man. All right, you're welcome. You always do a nice job, man, of saying nice things about people. Where'd you learn that, I wonder? Where'd you learn that? Like, you always do that where you say something nice about people. I'll tell you why, because I...

=> 00:53:04

In a tough industry, kindness and support can make all the difference.

I understand that, but the test is, and you passed it, I think, to do a project that you have nothing to do with, show up, and say other people's words. You know, you're doing it with real actors and people that have been doing it for years, and just holding your own, being natural, and being good. So, I just wanted to give you those props because you really did kill it. Thanks, man. You're welcome. You always do a nice job of saying nice things about people. Where'd you learn that? I wonder, where'd you learn that? You always do that, where you say something nice about people.

I'll tell you why. I hate this business. Back in the '90s, I just put out this [__]. Check this out, dude. So, check this out. This right here, I just posted, is a 1998 original room lineup. Wow, okay. I can't wait to see this, actually. Look at it, 1998. When I saw this lineup, it brought me back to that time. In that time in comedy, look at who's in it. They're still around. Schubert's still around, Johnny Sanchez, Argus is still around, Dice is still around, Rogan, Brian Holzman. Wow, right? And this is 26 years ago. Wow, right? The whole lineup, this is July 4th, July 2nd, 1998. Jonathan Gosick, one of the funniest guys I've ever met in my life, still does it? No, he quit. Wow. Dave Pierre, one of the funniest guys. I mean, I'm looking at it from 1998, Bobby Lee. I just remember watching those fools and going, wow, they're funny. Maybe I've evolved or whatever, but they don't get here by not having that in them. Jason Gar, hilarious. Bobby Lee, me, oh y, sorry, eel Gregory. No, don't know who that is. Jimmy Schubert, love him, hilarious. Argus Hamilton, still around, still alive. Can't believe it, but still here. Frankie Pace, Luke Torres, Andrew Dice Clay, Joe Rogan, Brian Holtzman, and Rick Wright.

Back then, I just remember being a kid, you know what I mean? Because I'm in my early 20s. You're right, and you were the talk of the town. People said when you came out, no, they hated me. They hated me back then, dude. Really? Yeah, I would have white dudes literally walk out to me and go, hey man, Asians aren't funny. Wow. I was like, because of the war or whatever. What? I said, because of the war, whatever. Which war? Korean? No, whatever the latest one was with you guys. I don't know. The latest one would be Vietnam. No, you guys keep starting []. I'm just saying. And we also won that. Okay, we won that one. Dude, I agree. What does everything have to be a war with you? I'm happy to go over there and fight for you guys next time. I'll fight for you guys. Vietnam War, you did fight with the South, I think, against the North. I want to fight for you guys. Yeah, I know you did. The southern part of whatever. I'm not even Vietnamese. In the South, one. I'm not Vietnamese. But in Korea, you guys fought with the South. Yeah, okay. Oh God, dude. It's kind of []. I know, dude. This is every time I'm with you. I swear. Well, you got to give a pamphlet or something whenever you see people.

So anyway, let's go back to this lineup. Back then, people were so mean. What would they do? They would write stuff on your car or whatever? No, they wouldn't do stuff like that, but it would be more like, one time I had a list of jokes I was going to try, and a comic picked that out of my hand and he goes, seen it, seen it, done it, done it, seen it, seen it, done it, and just handed it back to me. Just flat out rude for no reason. But now, because of the internet or whatever, you can't afford to act like that. Everyone has a shot. I remember back then going, if I'm ever in a position where I can be nice...

=> 00:57:17

In comedy, being kind and personal goes a long way, especially in today's interconnected world.

No, I mean, what do you mean like they would, you know, graffiti or whatever? No, no, no, they wouldn't do stuff like that, but it would be more like, you know, um, one time I had a list of jokes I was going to try, and a comic picked that out of my hand and he goes, "Seen it, seen it, done it, done it, seen it, seen it, done it," and just handed it back to me. You know what I mean? Just like flat out rude for no reason. But now, because of the internet or whatever, you can't afford to act like that. Everyone has a shot.

I remember back then thinking, you know, if I'm ever in a position where I can be nice, I'm just going to be. You do it all the time. Yeah, and I feel like I think I am. You do it well, man. What do you mean doing nice? Well, you're nice too. What the [__] are you talking about? You do it. Are you good at intros? I don't know, like when you bring people up on stage. Oh, you're pretty good at it. Are you good at it? I think I am.

Alright, so if I'm about to go up, give me an intro. I'd be like, "Ladies and gentlemen, this next guy, I'll drop him off at a VFW and see how they treat him over there. He is a true hero. You know him from Bad Friends, you know him from different places on the internet. You guys, it's enough, it's enough, it's not good. You guys give it up." It's enough, sorry. Can I teach you how to do it? You guys give it up for Ken Jones. No, no, okay, can I teach you how to do it? Yes.

Alright, I think I know because you're a master at it. I agree. So, my theory is this: if you do like, "This next guy, clubs and colleges," and just something that's not specific, the audience can tell there's no relationship between the two people. So, you personalize things. Do you remember when I first met this guy? Him and I had coffee and wanted to, you know what, like you personalize it. Then you give him specific credits instead of clubs and colleges. You go, "Dude, I saw him in EP." Like for me, if I brought you up, I'd be like, "Dude, I did a movie with this guy called Sweet Dreams. This guy killed it, and every, you know, he's killing it on stage." You personalize it to let people know that you have a real relationship.

Vietnam, Vietnam, whatever the [__] you were saying, VFW, whatever you were saying, I wouldn't do that. But you know, well, yeah, okay. I'm just saying if I took you to a VFW and dropped you off in there. What is a VFW? Veterans of Foreign Wars. Oh, that's right, that's right. If I dropped you off at a VFW, if we dressed you up in like a Civil War uniform, dropped you off right at a VFW. Right, I have a musket. You're like, "We're going to kill these guys," and then I have one of those mustaches that curl and one of those round bugles. What do you think would happen? I think they'd call the FBI. Yeah, I don't think that'd be good. A lot of white guys would be like, "Wow."

=> 01:02:01

Did you see that? There was one lady that covered the Trump thing. I think this was an Asian lady. Do you remember the time we interviewed Trump? This is kind of self-grandizing or whatever. But that's not even all. Trump has wooed this hyper-masculine online culture deeply. During a recent podcast with the comedian Theo, instead of talking about the economy, immigration, healthcare, or global conflicts, they discussed cocaine addiction.

Did you really? What did you ask him? Have you ever asked him if he did coke? He doesn’t do coke, right? He never did drugs, drank, or smoked. Don't drink, don't smoke. Yeah, addiction. What did you ask him though? We talked about addiction. His brother died from alcoholism. So, we talked about that and why he never drank or smoked. He kind of let on that he thought there could be some tendencies that he could have the same thing his brother had. So, I think he didn’t want to risk it. He had fear about that. Do you understand that?

No, because I remember like Dane Cook was like that. He didn’t drink or do drugs. Carlos Mencia for a while was like that too. To me, it’s like I love it. Yeah, you love it? Yeah, because I think over time, my natural state wasn’t my favorite throughout my life. So, if I could change that in some way, then I wanted to do that. Those are the things you change it with, either stuff like that. I just don’t like feelings.

Wow, that’s interesting. I don’t like any feelings. I’m sober now, and I’ve been able to, like my therapist says, identify what you’re feeling and feel it. But I never liked them. I never liked depression, sadness, trauma, or any of that. It doesn’t sit well in my body. So, I always consumed things, but that’s more destructive. That’s why I’m sober now. I feel pretty free now, and I think I can handle most emotions.

You’ve been a lot more social in the past two years, it seems. What do you mean? Just trying to stay busy, do more things, put yourself out into situations and stuff. I think I never liked having feelings. No matter how I felt, I felt ashamed of how I felt. That was weird. A lot of times, I wouldn’t feel good, and I would feel ashamed for not feeling good. That’s the part I didn’t understand sometimes because that made it so hard to figure out.

=> 01:05:57

Rising up can feel lonely, stay connected and take care of yourself.

You've taken on a lot more socially in the past two years. You've been a lot more social, trying to stay busy and doing more things, actually putting yourself out into situations. I think I never liked having feelings. No matter how I felt, I felt ashamed of how I felt. That was weird. A lot of times, I wouldn't feel good, and I'm not getting into self-pity here, but sometimes I wouldn't feel good and then feel ashamed for not feeling good. That made it so hard to figure out the first part. Does it make any sense?

It makes a lot of sense. I don't want to get too sentimental, but there are times where I really feel concerned about you. I feel like there was a time when we talked more and had more communication. Let's face it, you've risen a little bit. I know it's hard to hear, but you have. Things are so good for you right now, and with that rise, there's more of a disconnect with your friends because you're so busy. I'm always concerned about whether you're sober, going to meetings, and talking to people about things that are going on. I always feel like things are probably good with you, but I have to admit there is concern because I love you.

I love you too, you know that, right? Yeah, I think it's kind of been... I know this is a comedy podcast, but I just have to say that. I've seen people rise and then get lost, and there are people around them who don't necessarily care and are just in it for the ride. I don't know who you're surrounding yourself with, but there is a concern that maybe you're alone at the top.

Podcasting makes me feel pretty connected to people. Not living here has been good, but I don't get to see a lot of people, including my guys from AA. My sober program hasn't been that good the past month. I work late, so I don't want to make the morning Zoom meeting, and then I'll get up late and miss the noon in-person meeting. I need to touch base with some people and get honest and tight.

I was in Montana for a month doing a movie, and there was nothing to do. One day, I called one of the guys there and asked for an AA schedule. I walked into a school with old white people with oxygen tanks, and obviously, they've never seen an Asian walk into an AA meeting there. Even though we don't have the same lifestyles, at least I can say to myself, I'm trying to take care of myself on a daily basis.

=> 01:10:07

Navigating life in unexpected places can lead to the most bizarre yet heartwarming encounters.

I walked into the school, which was located all the way out in the boonies. Inside, there were old white people with oxygen tanks, and it was clear they were drug mules. It was obvious they had never seen an Asian walk into an AA meeting there. I never saw one black person in that meeting. When I walked in, it felt like they were having Vietnam flashbacks, with reactions like "get down, get down."

Even though we don't share the same lifestyles, I can at least say to myself that I'm trying to take care of myself on a daily basis. One time, I went to a meeting and, because there are only two Uber drivers in the area, this guy named Derek sat next to me. He introduced himself and said he was a fan of my comedy. He offered me a ride home, and I accepted.

Derek and his wife drove me in the opposite direction of my hotel. When I pointed this out, they said, "We know, man. We're going to our house." They wanted me to meet their kids, who were little white kids. The kids came out of their rooms, still groggy from waking up, and told me their mommy had taken them to Missoula and given them $300 for school clothes. I thought to myself that I would have been ecstatic with even $30 from my mom when I was their age.

I was in their house for about 45 minutes. Despite the odd situation, they were super sweet. I didn't think I was going to end up in a well in their basement or anything. If I were in a well, I would want two things thrown down: water and food, maybe from Jersey Mike's or seeds to plant my own food.

In such a situation, I might sing to pass the time, perhaps "O Little Town of Bethlehem." I would be so frightened, but singing might help.

On another note, I've been hearing there's a lot of drugs in the Asian community, specifically Tran. It's like saying there's a lot of shoelaces in the white community; it doesn't make much sense.

=> 01:14:23

Don't jump to conclusions based on stereotypes; always dig deeper for the truth.

The conversation begins with a seemingly unrelated mention of shrimp, where someone catches shrimp like a "W." The topic quickly shifts to drugs, specifically within the Asian community. One person mentions hearing about a significant presence of drugs, particularly "Tran". This leads to a discussion about whether this information is accurate or just a stereotype. The conversation takes a humorous turn when one person compares it to saying there are a lot of shoelaces in the white community or glitter in the black community, highlighting the absurdity of such generalizations.

The discussion continues, with one person expressing frustration and another attempting to clarify their point. They mention looking up information about drugs and finding a DEA report on fentanyl mixed with xylazine, also known as "Tran". This causes confusion as "Tran" is also a common Asian surname, leading to a misunderstanding. The person clarifies that "Tran" in this context refers to tranquilizers, not an Asian name.

The conversation then shifts to personal anecdotes about drug use. One person shares their past addiction to Vicodin and how it affected their life, including an incident involving Drew Barrymore. They recount having a bowl of Vicodin in their dressing room, which led to The Strokes' drummer, who was dating Drew Barrymore, consuming the pills. This incident caused Drew Barrymore to be upset with them, although they argue it wasn't their fault.

The conversation ends with a somber reflection on the impact of drugs, mentioning how people on fentanyl sometimes appear as if they are doing yoga but then freeze, highlighting the tragic nature of addiction.

=> 01:18:49

I used to have a bowl of Vicodin in my dressing room, and Drew Barrymore still hates me for it.

I was addicted to Vicodin. I would take it all day long, whether it was night or day. I swear to God, I think Drew Barrymore still hates me because of that. I'll tell you why. It wasn't just for doing Vicodin; it was because I used to have a bowl of Vicodin in my dressing room at Mad TV. One night, The Strokes played, and I guess the drummer, who was dating Drew Barrymore, was trying to get sober or something like that. They all ended up going into my room and eating all my pills because I'm generous. I heard that she was mad at me because of that. It's not my fault that I had them, and it's weird to blame the dealer unless the dealer was pushing them on you. I wasn't pushing them on anyone.

If I'm being rude, I apologize. You didn't give me your number for a long time, and when I have a resentment, I didn't know it. If I was mad at you, I'm very comfortable saying I have an issue. Have you ever had an issue with me? Be honest. Sometimes, I feel like it's tough to get to know you, but it's tough to get to know any comedian. Everybody loves you so much that they want to know you better. Out of all the comics I know, I feel like I'm closest to you. I try my best, and I like you, Bert, Whitney, Andrew, and Tom Segura. We do the best we can with what we have.

Are you a gun owner? No, I don't own a gun, but I have nunchucks and Chinese stars. I never use them, though. I have a plastic BB gun that looks like a real gun, but it was on a TV show. That acting was terrible, like Miami Vice or Magnum.

Have you been dating a lot? It seems like a lot of your stories involve dating. I'm trying to find the love of my life. I think I'm ready. I like some of the girls I'm dating now, but they are kind of flaky. For example, I'll make plans for dinner, and then they'll cancel last minute. I sacrifice stage time for these plans, and you know how valuable stage time is. I want to find someone I can fully trust and confide in.

=> 01:23:18

I regret not fully committing to past relationships and I'm determined to do things differently next time.

I like some of the girls that I'm dating now, but they're kind of flaky. For instance, I won't call them on a Thursday because I've already said, "Let's go to dinner and hang out." Then, when Thursday comes around, they'll say, "Nah, I don't want to do it now," or "I'm busy." I sacrificed stage time for these plans, and you know how valuable stage time is. This kind of behavior makes me question if I can fully trust them.

I want to find somebody that I can fully confide in and express how I feel. I also want someone who can give me suggestions or feedback that I honor and respect. Additionally, I want somebody hot. Finding that combination is challenging. I want somebody I'm attracted to, but what I find attractive isn't necessarily what others might think.

Over the years, the girls I've seen you with are people I would consider attractive. There was one girl you used to see that I thought you should marry. I saw regret there, dude. I think we have similar issues, especially with vulnerability. I had that with Kila for ten years, and she was the first one in many years that I could be vulnerable with. There was something about her that allowed us to connect deeply.

However, the dynamics can freeze up after a while, making it hard to be sensual. The truth is, we go up on stage, which is inherently exciting and gives us dopamine hits. As recovering drug addicts, we crave excitement and dislike the same old thing. Meeting somebody new gives us that thrill, but at the end of the day, I regret how things ended with Kila. I wish I could do it over again and change some things, but it's too late now as we've both moved on.

For the next girl I meet, I'm going to do things differently. I'm going to get rid of all my machines. I have a vacuum cleaner-sized sex toy with tubes and stuff that I took home and used. These new machines are intense and never let go. I'm 80 days off pornography right now, and I plan to give up these machines. They do three things, not just one, and are quite powerful.

=> 01:27:49

My dad didn't know music until I played "Tears in Heaven" for him, and he cried—then he died.

Of course, I took it home and used it. I plugged it in. Oh, I have so many of them, and I stick it in. What does it play? It just plays Beethoven's here or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like right. And you, what? Hey, put it on Christmas. Yeah, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell. I swear to God, these new machines, dude, they suck you in, dude. They never let go, dude. I'm 80 days off pornography right now. Wow. I'm going to give you a machine, man. No, please, I don't want anything like that. But I'm going to. I know, but you got to try it. What does it do? It does three things. Okay, okay, not just one thing, dude. Alright, is it gas-powered? You plug it in? No, it's not. No, the vacuum cleaner I will probably not use again because I almost had to grab parts of my penis inside the little filter there. It took stuff out, so it was too powerful.

I have one that I bought at the Hustler Store. It does three things. No, really just two things. It vibrates and sucks. Wow. Does it sort coins? I think it might. Hell yeah, I think it might. How long do you have to stay on it for? Eight seconds? No, what I do is, it's also waterproof. That's a key feature. So, the next relationship I'm in, that's what you do. It makes me just, "No Daddy, no Daddy." Sound like a man, dude. What? Daddy sounds like a man. Yeah, it better be a chick named Daddy.

Do you miss your dad? Yeah, I miss my dad, dude. When did he die? What year did he die? Bring up a picture of my dad. He died in 1996. Do you miss him though? Yeah, I didn't know him better. Do you miss your dad? Yeah, that's, dude, you just hit it on the nail on the coffin. Was that the wrong way to say it? You hit the, I don't know nothing about him. Really? Yeah, because my dad didn't speak English, and I barely spoke Korean.

For instance, when you're in high school and you're going out, your dad gives you a little pep talk like, "Don't drink and drive. If you're in trouble, give me a call," whatever they say. But my dad didn't do that. He would just go, "Goodbye, Dad." He'd go, "Don't do." I'd go, "I won't do." That's it. If I asked my dad, "Tell me about how you feel," he'd go, "I don't know, you good." They don't like, "What the [__] are you talking about?" What's your favorite pasta? "Oh, I like, you know, it's very good." He never knew what music was.

When he had a stroke, I didn't know that. I knew your dad passed away, but I didn't know he had a stroke. Yeah, he had many strokes. He had two major strokes and a couple of minor strokes. You ever seen that show? I love it. He had two, you know, Willis's "What you talk about, Willis?" Anyway, great show. One Mr. Drummond, that's one that really shook him. So, he had a bunch of strokes, and I had AirPods. I was at his house in Phoenix, and I asked him, "Dad, will you listen to music for the first time?" I mean, obviously, he's been in a mall and he's heard it, but he doesn't know what Beethoven is or whatever.

I put in Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven." I put it in, my brother Steve was there too, and we pushed play. Tears came down my dad's face. It was the first time he said, "That's beautiful." It was incredible. And then he died. So, I didn't learn anything from the dude. Were you ashamed of him? It feels like you were embarrassed by him for some reason. I hated him, and you know I've told the story.

=> 01:31:53

A single moment of honesty can change everything.

Obviously, he's been in a mall and he's heard it, right? But he doesn't know, he doesn't have a fan band, or he doesn't know what Beethoven is or whatever, right? So, I put in Eric Clapton's Tears in Heaven. My brother Steve was there too. We pushed play and tears came down my dad's face. No way, right? It was the first time he goes, "That's beautiful." Wow, it was incredible. And then he died. Damn. Yeah, so he didn't know. I didn't learn anything from the dude, but were you ashamed of him? It feels like you were embarrassed by him for some reason. I hated him.

You know, I've told the story before but not on this, I don't think. When I was a kid, I loved cats. Something about them, just cats in general. When I was eight, I asked, "Could I get a cat?" They got me a kitten named Tommy. They wouldn't put him in the house; we put him in the garage with a little fence thing. Over the summer, every day, I just sat with Tommy for eight hours a day. He was the love of my life. Then one day, a couple of months later, I go to the garage, and he's completely gone. I asked my mom and dad, and they came into the garage. I asked, "Where's Tommy?" My dad said, "Mommy's allergic." I said, "Uh-huh." He said, "Tom's gone," and he told me to stop crying and just left the garage. There was no room for compromise or anything. That's why I hate authority figures. There was no room for discussion. I didn't know where Tom went. "Stop crying, shut the [] up," and that's it. Damn. That was the day I looked at my parents and thought, "It's war." I started doing drugs, raising hell, lighting things on fire. I didn't give a [], embarrassed the family.

That's why if I had a kid, how would you approach that? Your wife is allergic to the [] cat, and I'm your kid. Be real. Don't do comedy right now. I would probably get a []. I'm your dad, I'm your son. Okay, hey Dad. Boobby, no, no, you do it. Sorry, just do it like me. I don't know, by the way, you don't have to have an Asian accent. I don't know what country we're in. No, we're in America. Who gives a [__]? Well, give me a setting. Yeah, yeah, well, you live in Nashville. Your wife is white, you're my son. I'm not Asian. Believe that I'm your biological son. Okay, right. Hey Daddy. Hey Chucky, what's up? How was school, buddy? School was great, Daddy. I hear they're holding you back again. They holding me back, you know, like fire like sun, Daddy. Yes, sir. Hey dude, you know what I mean, gang them up, gang them up, boy. I love you, Chucky. I gang up.

I know we had a cat here yesterday. Yeah, so where's Tommy? Your mother's allergic to cats. So where's Tommy, Dad? Mom gets sick. I understand if we have a cat, Mom gets sick. I know, but where's Tommy now? Tommy is going to be at your aunt's house, and you can go play with him in the afternoon. That's it. That's what you're supposed to do. Now, your aunt drinks a lot of wine, and she gets a little handsy with the kids. She gets what they call fronia hands. Daddy, I don't need to know the specifics of what my auntie's behavior is going to be like. Is she going to hurt Tommy? No, she just might love him as much as you do. I know my cousins have all black eyes because your cousins are black, that's why. They were adopted, I forgot, Daddy. So you just got to roll with it.

=> 01:35:39

Even when life gets chaotic, find moments to laugh and connect.

I understand if we have a cat, mom gets sick. I know, but where's Tommy now? Tommy is going to be at your aunt's house, and you can go play with him in the afternoon. That's it, that's what you're supposed to do now. Your aunt drinks a lot of wine and she gets a little handsy with the kids; you know, she gets what they call fronia hands.

"Daddy, I don't need to know the specifics of my auntie's behavior. Is she going to hurt Tommy when she gets drunk?"

"No, she just might love him as much as you do. I know my cousins have all black eyes because your cousins are black, that's why."

"Oh, they were adopted. I forgot, Daddy. I love black people, Daddy. You taught me that."

"Amen, brother. I'm going to go inside now."

"Can I come inside today, Daddy? Why do I have to sleep outside?"

"You just wait till the sun comes down, and you can sneak in again."

"Alright, Daddy, but I wish I could just have my own room and stuff."

"We're going to put some treats right up by the door for you, alright? We're going to put a craft single. I love you, Daddy."

"Love you too, gang. Gang gang."

"Pretty good, dude. Good Dad."

"How long have we gone?"

"We'll finish up in a second. Dude, Halloween's coming up. Can we cut this part out?"

"Yeah, how's it going, this podcast?"

"I have no idea. It's very funny, we're laughing."

"No, how is it going? I feel like I've been the worst I've ever been on the show."

"No, I swear to God, this is awesome. It's been fun, man."

"Do you ever get that though? Because Monday, I did two hours with Bert, then I did probably three [] tiger bellies, which is like over an hour a piece. You talk so much you just [] don't know at one point. Dude, you and I have talked thousands of hours of nonsense."

"Yeah, [__] nonsense. Crazy, huh?"

"Yeah, and there's times where you just kind of go, I don't even know what else to say anymore. That's why we got to have experiences in the world so we can have more stuff to talk about or talk about people that we can learn stuff from that have had experiences."

"George is here, my producer."

"He's okay."

"George has changed a lot."

"Oh, so much. But George, dude, it's like I've talked so much you trying to bleed me dry."

"No, you're doing great. This is the best ever."

"Now that sounds condescending, dude. It sounds like that guy that killed Elvis, remember his manager? Whatever snow cone or whatever that dude's name was."

"His name was snow cone?"

"Yeah, you mean Tom Hanks's character?"

"Yeah."

"Would you [__] Austin Butler?"

"Would I [] Austin Butler? No, I'd [] Elvis probably."

"Would you have Cleopatra?"

"Who was that in the history of?"

"She was the Egypt Queen."

"Oh yeah, but it's hard to know what she really looked like."

"Yeah, that's true. But if you're going to travel all the way back in time, you got to smash, you feel me?"

"I think you'd have an easier time smashing than me."

"What about Frederick Douglas, the black guy? Smash or pass?"

"Smash, smash for sure."

"Yeah, although he is probably... Oh look at him, do you think he has a gapy butthole or no?"

"I don't know. I heard he's got an underground railroad."

"That's insane, what you just said there. We're going to hell."

"No, but I did hear that he was gay, but I don't know. That hairstyle has to come back."

"A lot of my black friends told me that he enjoyed the pleasures of men."

"Dude, that hairstyle has to come back."

"Oh yeah, what is that?"

"It's like an afro but conk."

"Yeah, conk. What's that hairstyle?"

"Yeah, it's interesting. It's not really straightened but he kind of combed the afro."

"What is a conk hairstyle?"

"There it is. A conk is a hairstyle that was worn by some African-American men between the 1940s and early 1960s. The name comes from the congolene, a lye-based gel used to chemically straighten or relax hair. Once straightened, people styled their hair into pompadours or wore it slicked back."

"Yeah, it kind of has a look that maybe Bruno Mars would rock. Malcolm X did it a lot in his book."

"Bruno Mars is talented."

"Yeah, let's look at a couple TikToks and get Bobby on the road."

"Anything new happening in TikTok?"

"Yep, we got a couple. Are you good at this stuff?"

"What is it?"

"Looking at stuff and then commenting on it."

"Why do you do it?"

"I like to show things that I'm amazed by."

"Okay, I want to be amazed. This is a deaf rapper."

[Music]

"[__] dude, then I'm a deaf rapper."

"If you're a deaf rapper, I want you to do something MCA."

"We're going to hell, dude."

"What else we got, man? Hit me with one more of my faves."

"Oh, look at this. I'm not saying they're taking our jobs, but look at it again."

"Dude, smoking bro is going. What is going on, dude?"

"Yeah, fumar. You know, fumari Mouse."

"Yeah, dude. Wow, there should be a rule."

"Yeah, dude, there should be."

"What do you think the rule is?"

"I think I want Minnie in the costume to be a woman, that's the number one rule."

"Yeah, what about a Mexican woman?"

"That's fine with me."

"Yeah, but with a Mexican man who looks like the guy that works for Jimmy Kimmel, what's that security guard?"

"Oh, Hortensia. That's him, dude."

"Yeah, I don't want that."

"Yeah, that's like a tall heno. They don't have that."

"One more, bring it up."

"Oh, this is a marriage proposal. This is crazy, bro. This is what you got to do, Bobby, if you're going to meet someone."

"Yeah, it's a carjacking, right?"

"Right."

"Wow, they take the husband, break all the car windows. [__] that's insane."

"Imagine, dude."

"You know what? Love is love, man. Love is love, dude."

"Wow, it's good to know. You know what's funny, dude? One time, whenever we do this, we'll both be married."

"We will never. We have to start to believe that, Bobby, because if we don't, dude, then we never will be. And it's going to get weird, bro."

"Can we promise each other this? We can do group vacations, like couple vacations."

"Yeah, if we're married. And then when the girls are surfing or doing their little thing, you and I can get together, hit a meeting, chat, do something."

"Yeah, that'd be fun. Anyway, it's really nice. I'm going to see you soon, right?"

"Yeah, I got to do Bad Friends soon."

"Yeah, alright. Thank you. I love you, man."

"Yep, thank you."

"Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves. I must be..."

[Music]

"Cornerstone. But when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of my life found. I can feel it in my bones, but it's going to take...