Relationship Expert Answers The Biggest Questions People Ask About Love & Relationships

You have the power to create change by becoming aware of your subconscious patterns and choosing to act differently.

When you hear the litany of reasons that remind you of why you're not worthy, it is important to notice it and pull your attention away. This doesn't mean that you will feel worthy immediately, but it does mean that you can begin to show up in actions of worthiness. Consider how someone who is worthy might treat themselves, either generally or in a specific moment. By weakening that belief network every time it fires and strengthening a new belief network, you begin to create a new network that will, over time, take over where the old network existed.

In the number one Health and Wellness podcast, Jett Jett, the one and only Jay dives straight in. He starts emphatically in his book, stating that you create change. Many people feel they don't have the power or ability to change things, feeling that life is a constant bombardment of events happening to them. Jay boldly states that you create change. He acknowledges that many people feel stuck and uncertain about how to change. Nowhere is this feeling of being stuck more prevalent than in our relationships. This inspired his new work, aiming to understand why people feel stuck in relationships.

Jay explains that much of how we relate is governed by our subconscious mind, which operates outside of our awareness. He notes that after writing his first book, "How to Do the Work," many individuals on their healing journey reported feeling good in their lives but stuck in their relationships. The subconscious mind plays a significant role in this, with beliefs about ourselves, roles, and identities we've learned to play, and deep wounding that contains moments of nervous system disregulation and reactivity.

When these subconscious events connect to physiological shifts in our bodies, it leads to nervous system disregulation. Typically, we tune in either mid-reaction or shamefully post-reaction. Until we pay conscious attention to all the different parts of the story that contribute to what feels like an instinctive reaction, it becomes natural to feel like we don't have a choice. Jay believes that by becoming aware of what's going on beneath the surface, including our beliefs and physiology, we can create a little bit of space to pause before habitual reactions. This empowers us to see that choice and change are possible.

One common concern from the community is dealing with toxic family members. People often feel triggered by family members who make condescending remarks, especially when they are trying to improve themselves. Jay suggests that an empowering shift is to ask ourselves what we can do in these situations. It is natural to instinctively wish that the toxic person could be more supportive or less negative. However, by focusing on what we can control, we can navigate these challenging relationships more effectively.

=> 00:04:54

Expecting others to change for you is a false hope; focus on changing your own reactions and setting boundaries.

To be better, there's always someone in my family who will say something at dinner that triggers me. At the holiday party, someone will say something that triggers me. There's someone I live with every day who sees me meditate, sees me trying to work out, but always has something condescending to say. How do I navigate this toxic person that I can't distance myself from? I can't run away from them; they're in my life. What do I do?

An empowering shift we can make is to first ask ourselves, what can we do? It's natural to instinctively say, "I shouldn't have to do anything if this toxic person could be more supportive of this positive habit." If this person could be a little less whatever they're bringing to the table, I could then feel different. The shift of empowerment happens when we assume and even expect that this person doesn't change, that these comments continue, and the lack of support persists.

Especially within our family, we struggle and will continue to struggle with these long-term relationships. Expectations have been validated over time, and we fall into these learned dynamics. As we begin to shift into something positive for ourselves and the relationship, it challenges the dynamics of the system. The person on the other end experiences something new, and our nervous system prefers the habitual. Within these roles in our relationships, people have learned to predict that we show up in predictable ways. When we don't, it activates a threat response based on this new experience.

With this awareness, we can engage with the person sharing that comment with us differently. We can have a bit of compassion, understanding where they're coming from. We might even shift our expectation of that person giving us support or sharing something positive. If we give up that expectation, many of us can learn to navigate those relationships. What causes our suffering is the unmet expectation.

Sometimes, we need to make boundary changes or set new limits. Maybe there are conversation topics we don't bring to this relationship if we aren't going to get the support or feedback we need. We can modify what we do or how we engage with the person. I was talking to someone I was coaching, and they mentioned a particular trait they saw in their partner. I asked if they had seen this trait before, and they said yes. I asked how many times, and they thought about it and said every year we've been together. I asked how long they had been together, and they said 30 years.

It was interesting because you addressed this at the start of the book. Many books have told us that if we change our behavior, it will somehow change the behavior of the other person. If you can mold and be malleable and manipulate your own words, thoughts, and actions, it will create a behavioral response from someone else. But what you're saying is that even if we change our behavior, expecting that it will inspire the other individual to do a U-turn is a false errand. It's a hard reality to accept. We feel that we can get people to change, that they will change for us, and that we are important enough. If they cared enough, they would change.

How do we let go of that expectation? How do we build a process and a system to recognize that our expectation with this individual needs to shift? We keep seeing the same pattern day after day, month after month, year after year, but we fool ourselves that this will be the year they change, this will be the month it all changes for us. We set that expectation or have that fantasy for the future as a protection against the pain and suffering of being in the alternate reality of what is happening.

=> 00:08:55

Expecting others to change for us is unrealistic; true change starts with our own daily commitment and actions.

To be something that's going to show, and I think that's kind of a hard reality to accept. We almost feel that we can't get people to change, and they will change for me, and I am important enough. If they cared enough, they would change. So, how do we let go of that expectation? How do we build a process and a system to actually recognize that my expectation with this individual needs to shift? Because I keep seeing the same pattern day after day, month after month, year after year, but I keep fooling myself that this will be the year they change, this will be the month that it all changes for me.

I think a lot of times we set that expectation or have that kind of fantasy for the future as a protection against the pain and suffering of being in the alternate reality of what is happening. The fact that this is a pattern that has lasted 30 plus years, just to use your client as an example, would cause a lot of grief, a reckoning almost, maybe even a new choice point where this person would be at a crossroads. Either I remove this expectation and then modify in terms of what this relationship is or means to me, or maybe I determine I can't do that, and now I might need to shift or remove myself from the relationship.

This kind of thinking, which I'm going to call right now immature thinking, but not as a kind of derogatory label, more as a developmental stage, is really emblematic of what happens in childhood for a lot of us. Many of us in childhood spent a lot of time in a fantasy world when we didn't have the physically present or emotionally attuned caregiver that we needed. The pain of being rejected, of not feeling the support and attunement that we need, is so great. I think a lot of us continue that as a protective pattern into adulthood with this idea that I can just imagine and create this future in my mind that keeps me separate from the reality of my present moment.

Often, we hang those expectations on our partner, giving them all of our power and control, even for very well-intentioned reasons. Sometimes we want to support them, we might want to see them create change that we know and they know they need in their lives. However, when we put all of our energy on someone else in that way, not only do we not have access to it for ourselves, it is felt by the other person, even if it's not directly felt, it's indirectly felt as pressure. I want to normalize the tendency to fantasize, to wish, even the very well-intentioned actions that we can take sometimes seemingly in support of someone else.

I acknowledge the reality that many of us who have created very difficult change in our life know it takes a daily commitment of having new experiences that will challenge our nervous system and learning how to create change anyway. With that said, having this idea that someone else can or will change for us is putting an unrealistic expectation on that person because the only person that can create change is us, through our commitment and showing up day in and day out in action.

What are some of the other ways that our childhood impacts our current present and future selves? In society and culture, we are talking about this idea that what we went through as kids shows up in who we are now, but I think we have quite a rudimentary understanding of how that actually shows up. I don't know if we're always as conscious of it. I found the more I've delved into this, the more subtle my understanding of myself became.

For example, at one point I realized that one of my caregivers had always given me a lot of love but also made me feel guilty when I didn't reciprocate that love. I found myself replicating that in loving relationships. It was such a subtle, hidden thing where I would overly give love but then express words or behaviors that would make the other person feel guilty if I didn't feel like they lived up to my version of it. It took me a while to really recognize that, to heal that, to remove that from my vocabulary and my behavior. Knowing that it wasn't something bad about me or that I had created, or that I could blame, was so powerful.

What are the ways in which our early childhood experiences are affecting our current relationships and, of course, future relationships? This conversation into the subtlety of it is so foundationally important. Many of us, especially as we progress through adulthood, have this idea that childhood is decades ago and it doesn't impact us now. However, I do think we look for the kind of more...

=> 00:13:08

Our childhood experiences shape our adult relationships in ways we often don't realize.

It took me a while to truly recognize and heal from the notion that my early experiences didn't live up to my version of them. Removing this from my vocabulary and behavior was a powerful realization. Understanding that it wasn't something inherently bad about me, something I created, or something I could blame was transformative.

Early childhood experiences significantly affect our current and future relationships. This conversation is foundationally important because many of us, as we progress through adulthood, tend to think that childhood is a distant past that no longer impacts us. We often overlook the subtle ways in which our childhood shapes our deep-rooted beliefs about ourselves, which we carry into adulthood. These beliefs influence our emotions, the way we express them, and the support we received in navigating them. The level of attunement our caregivers provided directly impacts our current relationships with our emotions and our ability to be responsively present rather than reactive.

In childhood, many of us learned to connect or relate by suppressing parts of our self-expression or amplifying other aspects. These roles we played to connect with others become the same roles we play in our current relationships. Understanding the individual impact—knowing oneself, navigating emotions, giving and receiving support in relationships—reveals that much of who we are is a remnant or artifact of who we once had to be. This leads to an epidemic of adults who don't know themselves, lack emotional resilience, and show up in relationships wearing masks, feeling deeply unfulfilled.

There is often contention in relationships as we fight for who we were, defending our upbringing, beliefs, and values. Simultaneously, we try to accommodate and adopt some aspects of our partner's values, creating conflict on an identity level. We struggle with what parts of ourselves to leave behind and whether to trade them for our partner's values. This complexity arises because both individuals bring their early childhood impacts into the relationship, often without awareness of their own or their partner's influences. Consequently, conflicts about current issues like dishes or bills are often rooted in pre-existing data from our past.

Jay beautifully described why relationships are so complicated. Many of us struggle in our relationships because of these unseen influences. The individual journey of awareness begins with reckoning with the possibility that our past impacts us. By getting present to the habits and patterns we carry into our relationships, we can better understand our side of the street. This awareness allows us to recognize that our partners also have their subconscious worlds, influencing many of the fights we have.

=> 00:17:15

Understanding our past helps us see why we react strongly to small things in relationships.

Relationships are complex because we have many influences, many of which are out of sight and beyond our awareness. We can only receive the information that our partners or potential partners share with us. The journey of self-awareness begins with reckoning with the possibility that our past impacts us. Once we become present to the habits and patterns we carry into our relationships, we can get clear on what is on our side of the street.

Before understanding the subconscious world of our potential partners or loved ones, we should at least be aware that they have their own inner world. Many of the fights we have, such as those over dishes, are not about the dishes at all. For instance, I used to react strongly when I came home from work and found dishes in the sink. This reactivity stemmed from my childhood, where I lacked an emotionally attuned caregiver. My mother expressed love through daily self-care, ensuring dinner was on the table and dishes were done. These acts of service communicated love and support to me.

Flash forward to adulthood, when household duties were not done, I felt as if I was back in my childhood, lacking attunement. Even though my partner welcomed me home with support and curiosity, my focus on the undone dishes brought me back to that wounded child. This example illustrates how a moment in time can elicit a big reaction. The emotion I felt in the moment of the dishes was very real, with physiological responses like muscle tension and a racing heart.

Understanding that big emotions are real and often indicate something from an earlier time can help us feel less out of control. We may feel instinctually compelled to react in a certain way, but we do have a choice if we can teach ourselves that separation. Recognizing that our reactions can be on the more immature side of development is crucial.

When we gain awareness of these patterns, the question becomes: What do we do with that awareness? Many people recognize that their partner's actions remind them of their parent's actions, but they feel stuck in that conditioned response. Even when partners understand this, they may still not change their behavior.

The first step is communication. As we get clear on ourselves and feel safe and secure, communicating our feelings and needs to our partner can go a long way.

=> 00:21:26

True connection isn't about clean dishes; it's about emotional attunement and presence.

About me, like we've put that meaning to it, right? We've ascribed that very deep self-worth to an act because of the amount of times that it's gone on and on and on. Let's say we're fortunate enough to even get that awareness because even that requires so much work to even be able to admit that even though it's real, even though I feel it, even though it feels true, it necessarily isn't true. It's just a belief that I've built over time. What do I do with that awareness because I feel so conditioned by it? I feel so stuck in it and guess what? My partner still doesn't do the dishes even when they understand this. So, where do I go from there? What do I do?

I think that first piece of communication can go a long way as we get clear on ourselves. Of course, when we feel safe and secure in our particular relationships, we can gift that knowledge because that might be the difference between our partner. This is, I think, what happens within relationships when we kind of enter into conflict cycles. We have one person regressing back in time, becoming reactive, and then typically something in their reactivity sets off the receiving partner who then goes back in time. Now, we almost have two children sparring, not able to enter their wise adult or more grounded mind. So, for a lot of people, that awareness is incredibly helpful. For a partner in a moment to say, "Okay, this isn't really about the dishes even though I'm feeling very frustrated that I'm getting yelled at that the dishes aren't done right now," I maybe can compassionately breathe through.

For the person who's uncovering, there's important information in these moments. Again, it's not to throw away the emotion or to shame ourselves for having it. Those emotions carry important information. If at the bottom of this, for a lot of us, there is an unmet need, maybe the support I need in that moment isn't about the dishes, but maybe there is support I'm needing in a different area or a different type of support that I could benefit from. Understanding what's driving our reactivity can give us not only the language to communicate, but also clarity on what's really going on, which then can give us flexibility in other ways that we can attempt to get that need met.

This is where it gets even more complicated. What many of us are seeking, even if I came home and all of the dishes were done, that wasn't going to remove what I felt in the pit of my heart. It feels like a visceral pressure on my chest that wouldn't remove that feeling because where that was coming from was a lack of emotional attunement. Even if everyone that I surround myself with cleans my dishes from now until the end of time, if they're not giving me that emotional attunement that I need, if I'm not participating in that emotional attunement that I need because I'm not present in my own emotional body and sharing them, then I will just have a lot of clean dishes for a very long time and I'll still have that pit and that hole.

This is why a lot of us cycle through reactivity. We maybe do directly communicate, maybe even sometimes our partner does the dishes, and we still don't feel satisfied. We still don't feel fulfilled. We still don't feel that connection or that support that we're looking for because a lot of us are actually looking for that deep level of attunement. We're looking for that resonance. We're looking to just feel a little less alone, even if no one is saying anything to us because they're just sitting in that emotional presence or that emotional space with us.

I think you're so right. Going back to what you said earlier, we have to sit in that space with ourselves in order to invite someone to sit in it with us because they can't just find that space. It's almost like you have a basement level in your psyche that you have the key and access to in the elevator. If you don't invite someone into that because you haven't visited it before, they're just on level one trying to figure out where you want them to go. I'm literally visualizing Inception right now, the movie where all of his dreams are locked in an elevator. But I think that feels so true to me. I find that even with my wife, we had a really interesting conversation recently. Her book came out this year, and before the book was coming out, maybe a month before, I said, "I really want to understand how you'd like us to celebrate this occasion.

=> 00:25:23

Understanding each other's unique ways of celebrating and communicating can transform relationships.

It can be challenging to connect deeply with someone if you haven't explored certain parts of yourself. It's like having a basement level in your psyche that only you have the key to, and if you haven't visited it yourself, it's hard to invite someone else in. This concept reminds me of the movie Inception, where dreams are locked in an elevator. This idea resonates with me, especially in my relationship with my wife. We recently had an enlightening conversation about how she wanted to celebrate the release of her book.

Before her book came out, I asked her how she would like us to celebrate the occasion. Despite being together for 11 years and married for eight, I realized I didn't know her preference for celebrating such a significant milestone. My initial assumption was to throw a big party with friends and great food, which is how I would like to be celebrated. However, I knew this might not be what she wanted. She responded beautifully, saying she felt celebrated the previous night when we had friends over, and she cooked for them from her cookbook. She enjoyed cooking for people she loves and seeing them appreciate her food. This was her way of celebrating, and it was a revelation for me. It highlighted the importance of communication and understanding each other's unique ways of celebrating.

I asked my wife to inform me of such preferences in the future because I wouldn't know otherwise. She admitted she hadn't thought about it until I asked. It was a joint discovery, emphasizing that in relationships, it's not about keeping each other out but figuring things out together. This story is a beautiful example of mutual awareness and growth.

Reflecting on my own experiences, I was struck by how different my partner, Lai, is from my family. Lai's curiosity about life and people was a stark contrast to my family's approach, where there was a unified front and a lot of projection. In my family, if one member felt or thought something, it was assumed everyone felt the same. Decades later, being with Lai, who constantly asked for my perspective, was initially shocking and challenging for me. I wasn't used to being asked about my thoughts and feelings, and it took time to adjust.

Similarly, I had a moment with my third partner, Jenna, that mirrored this experience. We were sitting in the car, and she was very quiet. From my childhood, I associated silence with danger or the silent treatment, assuming I had upset someone. For over two years, during our silent car rides, I worried we had nothing to talk about. This conditioned response from my past made me anxious, but it was a pattern I needed to recognize and address.

These experiences underscore the importance of communication and understanding in relationships. They highlight how our past can shape our perceptions and the need for mutual exploration and discovery to build deeper connections.

=> 00:28:53

Don't assume silence means something negative; communicate openly and clear the air.

My partner and I had a moment the other day, very similar to what you're describing. We were sitting in the car, and she was very quiet. I noticed a pattern: when we're out driving, which is often when we do things together, she's very quiet. I'm conditioned from my childhood to assign a negative meaning to silence—danger, bad, silent treatment, or that I've upset someone—because that was my repeated experience growing up.

For over two years, Jenna and I have been together, enduring silent car rides. I never said a word, but in my mind, I worried. I thought, "Oh gosh, maybe we have nothing to talk about." I had things on my mind and would try to engage in conversation, but she would give me one-word answers. Finally, just last week, I decided to bring it up. I said, "I just want to bring something up. I notice that you're quite quiet when we are out in the car together." This opened up a beautiful opportunity for self-awareness and couple awareness. She responded, "Oh, you know what, I guess I am. I really like to just look out the window, enjoy the scenery, and listen to the music we have on." It was really as simple as that. Meanwhile, I had spent the better part of two years secretly worried.

These are beautiful examples of how simple some steps can be and how complicated humans make things because we project. We are subjective creatures who project all the time. I have a lot of compassion for myself for all the suffering caused by not having direct conversations and communication.

As a creator, my goal is to make content that makes you happier, healthier, and more healed. If you're a creator or an entrepreneur, one of the biggest challenges is finding the right tools to support your creative vision. That's where Kajabi comes in to help. When you don't have a huge team to build your business, Kajabi gives you the tools you need to build a profitable business, no matter your niche. Kajabi makes it easy to turn your skills, passions, and experiences into enriching online courses, exclusive membership sites, subscription services, thriving communities, personalized coaching, and so much more. The best part is that Kajabi doesn't take a cut of your revenue; you keep 100% of what you earn because it's all owned and controlled by you. You don't even need a huge audience to make sustainable income. There are thousands of creators on Kajabi with less than 50,000 followers making six and seven figures right now. Kajabi is offering a 30-day free trial to start your business if you go to kajabi.com/sljh.

We often think we know what someone is thinking, based on how we think and feel. We believe others are affected by things the way we are. Therefore, if someone is quiet, we assume they're upset because if we were quiet, it would mean we were upset. Communication is crucial, and it's not as basic as it sounds. Many people say things like, "I wish you'd talk more in the car," or "I wish you'd just tell me how you want to celebrate your birthday." These are not true communication; they are almost demands or control mechanisms. True communication involves creating a safe space to explore and be curious.

One interesting point is how the nervous system seeks familiarity. On the cover, you talk about finding peace. Our familiarity is often chaos. When there is peace, boredom, or stillness in a relationship, those familiar with chaos might think, "Wait a minute, what's going on?" because they are used to chaos. It's important to clarify what familiarity means in this context.

=> 00:32:55

When you're used to chaos, peace can feel unsettling, but true love and security come from learning to embrace that calm.

Communication is a safe space to explore and be curious. One of the interesting points brought up earlier was the idea of how the nervous system seeks familiarity. On the cover, there is a mention of finding peace, yet for many, all their familiarity is chaos. When there is peace, boredom, or stillness in a relationship, those familiar with chaos might feel unsettled and question what is going on. It is important to clarify that familiarity does not necessarily mean something good; it simply means what one is used to.

Responding to Peaceful Scenarios when familiar with chaos can be challenging. Many people, myself included, have experienced overwhelming stress in the home, leading to a sense of home in stressful relationships or interactions with stressful individuals. Familiarity is essentially repetition and predictability. It is not inherently good or bad. People with chaotic early experiences might meet someone and, without the rush of chemicals associated with chaos, assume it is not the right relationship.

One of the biggest takeaways from reading this book is the awareness that the way we define and relate to others is more of an imprint or artifact of our past than an objective reality about our present. Understanding this can open the door to awareness that what we seek and recreate in terms of familiarity and repetition is often grounded in stress, chaos, trauma, and unmet needs rather than in grounded, secure, peaceful love.

Our nervous system plays a foundational role in this. If we are not able to self-soothe or find safe, secure others to co-regulate with, we will struggle to create safety within ourselves and, consequently, in our interactions with others. We cannot simply wish our way into a calm, grounded relationship; we must teach our bodies how to have one. This understanding does not mean we won't experience conflict, disagreement, or disconnection. Even in safe, secure relationships, these moments will occur because anytime two unique individuals navigate life together, there will be moments of disconnection.

The goal is not to remove or expect the absence of conflict but to always find our way back to safety and security. The best question to ask is how to repair after moments of explosion or disconnection and continue to expand the foundation of safety and security within the relationship. This does not mean there won't be upsetting emotions or moments of dysregulation, but we can return to a state of peace and calm.

Regarding knowing when there is love, it is often said that "you'll know when you know" and that you just feel it. However, if you are not familiar with peace, you might create chaos when it arises. Similarly, if you are not familiar with love from your childhood, it can be challenging to recognize what it feels like to be in a loving relationship.

=> 00:37:08

Love isn't just a feeling; it's a grounded action of compassion and presence.

Assuming these moments of disconnection will still be present, how can I always continue to expand that foundation within my relationship of safety and security? It doesn't mean that there won't be upsetting emotions or moments of dysregulation, but we can, as a system, return back to that peace and grounded state of calm.

How do you know when there is love? We always hear things like "you'll know when you know" and "you just feel it." No matter what, you love someone. I find that it's so interesting because, as we said, you're not familiar with peace, so when peace comes up, you create chaos. We're not familiar with love, so how do you know love is there? You may not be familiar from your childhood with what it feels like to be loved unconditionally or wonderfully in whatever way that means. How do we then find it? How do we then notice it because we don't necessarily have a clear experience of it?

That's a really beautiful question to consider and a painful one too, to come to the reality that we might not have that embodied memory of what it actually feels like to be in this sense of safety and security and love. I think it would benefit a discussion of love more generally. When people think of love, it's not to say it's not a feeling. The way I define love, at least, is it is a feeling in connection with an action. It's a sense of compassion, consideration, and awareness of another individual, and then the ability to be considerate and compassionate not only in thought and feeling. I can sit here and feel a sense of love for you, but I believe love extends beyond that into an action. Am I able to then show up in this embodiment, whether it's just to support you by being present with you when you're in an emotion that's upsetting or overwhelming, or to show up in more active or objective support of you in whatever way you might need it?

To know if we're able to or when we're in that space, all of this goes back to the body. Unless we're present in our body and emotions, unless we're able to feel, to attune emotionally, to hold space, and to sense that there is someone else that I want to consider and show those levels of care, we have to be grounded in our body. We need to connect with our heart, connect with the emotion of compassion and care, and then act from that embodied place. What we're looking for is that presence, which is a loving action in and of itself, outside of the other ways we can more objectively support someone.

If we're looking for that roller coaster of biochemical emotions, if we're looking to be hit over the head with this love spell, we might be looking for something that might not necessarily exist. Love happens in those grounded moments when we're able to extend space and awareness that there is someone else that I can and want to care about. When we're in survival mode, when we're not calm, grounded, safe, and secure in our own body, we can't even consider a perspective outside of our own, let alone show up in care and compassion for that perspective or that individual and their best interest. Foundationally, in the body, I can't emphasize enough how important it is to be in loving action. We have to be connected to our body, particularly our heart. We have to be grounded and safe in our nervous system and responsive in how we choose to show up.

This point about being connected to your body is so valuable. I've recently discovered, for the first time, a deep disconnect I had with mine, and it came from my childhood. I remember when I was young, probably pre-teens and maybe into my early teenage years, I used to experience my heart beating fast, losing my breath, and feeling quite physically what would be considered pain in the heart region, like tight-chested. I would tell my mom, and she would take me to the doctors. They would wire me up with technology or tools that would measure my heart rate and tell me to wear it for the next 24 or sometimes 72 hours. I'd wear it to school under my shirt, and then they'd look at the records and say, "He's absolutely fine." But I would feel, "I'm pretty sure I'm not fine.

=> 00:41:14

I spent years disconnected from my body because doctors couldn't validate my anxiety; now, I'm finally learning to reconnect and manage stress.

During my pre-teen and early teenage years, I frequently experienced my heart beating fast, losing my breath, and feeling tight-chested, which sometimes felt like pain in the heart region. I would tell my mom, who would take me to the doctors. They would wire me up with technology to measure my heart rate and ask me to wear it for 24 to 72 hours. Despite these measures, the doctors always concluded that I was fine, even though I felt something was wrong. My mom, always caring and loving, would take me to more specialists, but they couldn't find anything either. They suggested I might need an inhaler for asthma, but that wasn't the issue.

Over time, I started living disconnected from my body because I couldn't understand what was happening. I focused on mastering my mind and other pursuits. Recently, while talking with my wife, I realized I had been experiencing anxiety, nervousness, and stress since I was 10 years old. Back then, no one talked about these issues, and I didn't know anyone with a therapist. As a result, I lived outside my body for so long because authorities and experts couldn't validate my experience, making me feel stupid as a kid. Now, I understand why I lost touch with my body, and I am working to reconnect with it. I can now spot stress and use tools like breath work and meditation to manage it.

Similarly, another individual shared their experience of feeling anxiety as a child, often laying awake at night. They lived with near-constant anxiety through their 20s, experiencing panic attacks. This led to a general disconnect from their body. Despite being an athlete, they avoided vigorous movement because it mimicked panic attack feelings. Over time, they limited their physical activity to avoid discomfort, further disconnecting from their body. They lived emotionally disconnected, often feeling overwhelmed and alone. In relationships, they felt emotionally disconnected and blamed their partners, thinking they couldn't meet their emotional needs. This pattern continued, leading to dissatisfaction in relationships after the initial honeymoon phase.

=> 00:44:57

Reconnecting with your body and emotions is a daily commitment, not an instant transformation.

I often reflect on how much time I spend in my body and how much time I dedicate to movement. Certain movements would mimic and bring me back to a state of discomfort, especially in my heart, leading me to avoid exercises that seemed to trigger anxiety. Over time, this avoidance led to a disconnection from my body, as I steered clear of anything that could help me reconnect. I lived in what I call my "spaceship," detached from my emotions. Despite this, my number one complaint in relationships was how emotionally disconnected I felt. I pointed fingers at my partners, believing they couldn't meet me on my emotional level. However, after the initial honeymoon phase, I would find myself feeling disconnected again, not realizing how this pattern traced back to my childhood.

In my childhood, I was overwhelmed with emotions and bodily sensations that were too much for me to handle. This led me to create a disconnect, living in my "spaceship" and holding others responsible for the disconnection I had a part in creating. Recognizing this was an invitation to rebuild. Awareness was beautiful, but it also meant I had to commit daily to reconnecting and living in my body. This commitment often brought physical and emotional discomfort. I carry a lot of tension in my muscles and have a hunched posture that I constantly try to stretch out. This physical discomfort sometimes makes me want to postpone my efforts, but I stay committed to releasing that tension.

Emotionally, being vulnerable and asking for support feels uncomfortable, but I know it's essential for the attunement I seek. This journey remains a daily commitment. Even though I can discuss the importance of these practices on podcasts, the wiring, discomfort, vulnerability, and beliefs are still present. It requires a conscious, intentional choice every day to start my day in my body, whether through 20 to 30 minutes of gentle stretching and silent reflection. This practice helps me be in my own vessel before serving the world, despite distractions like emails and other tasks running through my mind each morning.

Many people think that awareness leads to an immediate shift and change into a new person. However, especially when it comes to reconnecting with our bodies and developing the ability to tolerate stress and upsetting emotions, awareness requires a lot of practice. We need to put tools and resources in place to contain the discomfort. Recently, I've been practicing changing my relationship with my body. Despite considering myself a positive person, I realized I often critique my body negatively, especially when I'm unwell.

For instance, over Christmas, I had a really bad pedunculated tonsil that was swollen and visible. I kept thinking, "God, just go away. I have so much to deal with, and I need my voice for work." This negative cycle persisted despite taking antibiotics. A friend, who is a healer and a wonderful teacher, advised me to change my relationship with my body. He suggested natural remedies and emphasized that my body is my best friend, communicating with me. This shift in perspective was crucial in improving my relationship with my body.

=> 00:48:36

Your body isn't your enemy; it's trying to help you. Listen to its signals.

I was constantly thinking, "God, just go away. I have so much to deal with." I needed to use my voice for my work, and I was stuck in a negative cycle. One of my friends, who is a healer and a wonderful teacher in his own right, said to me, "Jay, you need to take the medicine." At this point, I had been taking antibiotics and everything, but nothing was working. I had been on a course for two weeks, and nothing was happening. He gave me some natural remedies and emphasized that I needed to do the right remedy and take the right practice. He told me, "You need to change your relationship with this. Your body is your best friend. It's telling you, 'Hey, I'm not feeling so good right now. I'm trying to warn you of something.' But you're telling your body to shut up and go away and just sort it out."

He advised me to think about it differently, suggesting that my body is actually trying to help me. If my body is tired because I haven't slept enough, it's saying, "Take some rest." If my body is panicking because I've finally done some exercise or something challenging, it's saying, "We're not used to this; we need to get used to it." Even pain is helping me recognize that there's something to shift, whether it's my diet, supplements, activity, or meditation and stillness. We often look at it as a negative signal rather than a sign of actual help.

I really related to this, coming from a childhood with a lot of chronic pain and illness. For me, any physiological symptom immediately made my mind go to the possibility or likelihood of it being catastrophic. For so long, the moment I sensed a shift or a possible symptom, I would go into a fear-based mentality, thinking, "Oh my gosh, what is this a sign of?" Physical illness was also a point of connection with my mom. My older sister suffered from a lot of chronic illness, and my mom was present when she needed to physically care for us.

In my 20s, I had a complicated relationship with my body. I remember having a sinus infection and knowing exactly what to take, but I would still call my mom from the drugstore in New York, saying, "Mom, I'm sick again. What do I need?" She would tell me to get Claritin, the same thing I always got. I now understand that I was looking for connection. This complicated my relationship with my body, creating a desire to be sick to receive my mom's love and attention, and a fear of being sick because it could mean something catastrophic.

Sometimes, when upset with someone else, my mind would go back to a statement my mom used to make: "You'll miss me when I'm gone." I would fantasize about how someone would feel if something happened to me. This early experience complicated my relationship with my body, and I still have a lot of unlearning to do. Symptoms, as beautifully said by Jay, are just signals, not signs of a terminal illness.

I am learning how to connect with my body, unlearn catastrophic beliefs, and connect with people without needing someone to physically care for me. This is still a complicated mess. How do you start? What are the therapy-based, healing-based, neurological actions and habits we can take to rewire that? Some people get ill and immediately think, "I'm going to get cancer." It's a feeling of, "Oh no, this is the worst." I was speaking to someone else the other day who said the same thing.

=> 00:52:38

Symptoms are just signals, not signs of doom. Rewire your thoughts by choosing where to focus your attention and embodying new actions.

Unlearning that symptoms, as you beautifully said Jay, are just signals—not signals of a terminal illness, just a signal—is crucial. For me, this involves not only learning how to connect with my body but also unlearning catastrophic beliefs and learning how to connect with people without needing someone to physically care for me. This process is still a complicated mess.

How do you start? What are the therapy-based, healing-based, neurological actions and habits we can take to rewire that? You're so right; some people get ill and then manifest thoughts like, "I'm going to get cancer." It's a feeling of, "Oh no, this is the worst." I was speaking to someone the other day who said they really believe their success will one day crumble because they don't deserve it. This is something they've always believed. So, how do you unmanifest or rewire that thought process? This is a repetitive thought, a belief.

To start, a belief is simply a repeated thought grounded in our lived experience. Breaking this down, we navigate beliefs because we can't just affirm our way out of them. We can't simply give ourselves a new belief. We can acknowledge that we have repeated certain narratives and beliefs in our mind. These neural networks have fired outside of our awareness time and time again and will continue to fire outside of our awareness whenever a similar event happens that would elicit that interpretation.

In the moment, we don't anticipate that these beliefs aren't working for us and think we can just shut the volume off and they'll go away. Absolutely not. They will occur again whenever a similar experience warrants them. What we can do is show up as the empowered presence, the conscious being, and choose how much attention we're giving. Are we going to hook our full attention on and keep repeating the belief once it is offered in our mind, or are we going to say, "Oh right, there's that old belief again in my mind. It isn't necessarily accurate or true, and now I can choose somewhere else to put my attention"?

That's the first half. The second half, the more powerful half, is what's happening in our body. We've validated this experience; we feel this to be true. The only way we're going to shift that embodied experience is if we begin to make new embodied choices, to show up in action countering that belief even before we believe otherwise. For example, a common belief at the core of many of our relational habits is that we're not worthy. The next time you hear all the reasons reminding you why you're not worthy, notice it and pull your attention away. This doesn't mean you'll feel worthy immediately, but it does mean you can begin to show up in actions of worthiness. How might someone who is worthy treat themselves in this moment? Consistently making those choices, even before you believe you're worthy, will weaken the old belief network and strengthen a new one.

I remember discovering this through my studies as a monk. One practice I developed was to write down my top three to five most repeated thoughts around a particular issue. I'd put a line down the middle of a piece of paper and write down the script of what my mind currently says in that trigger or response. For each point, I'd write an alternative script. The key was that the alternative script was not about being positive or the opposite. For example, if the basic premise is "I'm not enough" or "I'm not worthy," the alternative script should be realistic and actionable.

=> 00:56:48

Your thoughts are just scripts you've learned; you can rewrite them for a better reality.

To develop qualities recommended for people of spiritual culture and to reduce the effect of non-aspirational qualities, I remember writing down my top three to five most repeated thoughts around a particular thing. I would put a line down the middle of a piece of paper and write down the script of what my mind currently says in that trigger, response, or moment. For each point, I would then write an alternative script. The key was that the alternative script was not about being positive or the opposite. For example, if the basic premise was "I'm not enough" or "I'm not worthy," writing "I'm the best thing in the world" wouldn't work. It needs to be more comprehensive and thoughtful, such as "I am worthy as I am" or "I have always been worthy; there's not a moment of becoming worthy."

What I found was that the more I researched, read books, and created paragraphs to support it, and the more I rehearsed it like an actor rehearses a script, my script started to change. All I ever did was memorize an old script and learn a new one, trading one for the other. It was never about one being true and the other false; it was just that I had learned a script from my caregivers and the people who loved me first. Now, I had a new script. It is interesting that we so deeply define ourselves by thinking we are our thoughts, and how much our thoughts are seen as non-ourselves. But actually, they are just scripts. The script you have read, practiced, and rehearsed the most becomes your reality.

We are missing the foundational role that our and other people's body sensations played in the creation and repetition of those scripts. I've been talking a lot about Descartes' "I think, therefore I am," and many of us embody the belief that all power is in the mind, carrying this reality. But that's simply not true. All the power actually lives in our body and our instinctual body. What participated in creating those scripts was what was happening in our body and the bodies around us. This continues to be the case; we pay most attention to what's going on in our mind, not realizing that even in the current moment, what was happening in our mind was usually activated by shifts in our body. Our nervous system, outside of our awareness, is always assessing and looking for possible threats based on what was once threatening to us. These physiological shifts initiate the thoughts we become present to in our mind.

Until we understand the foundational role the body continues to play in shaping our thoughts and beliefs, and create the opportunity to change both, we won't be able to create the shifts we want. When we do, we can create incredible transformation.

One of the things I love doing on the show is clearly defining terms that are becoming mainstream or viral on TikTok. I wanted to define trauma bond because it's a term gaining popularity, but often we're not sure what it means. A trauma bond is a relationship in which dysfunctional habits exist. Clinically, it has been defined around relationships involving abuse, usually active physical or sexual abuse, and a felt connection or commitment within that relationship. This mirrors my own expansion of definitions, such as trauma, to categorize many other versions of trauma bond patterning and breaking cycles within relationships. Simply put, it's the relational pattern many of us learned that was adaptive in early childhood.

=> 01:00:52

We often mistake familiarity for attraction, leading us to repeat dysfunctional patterns in relationships. Awareness and intentionality can break these cycles and create healthier connections.

Dysfunctional habits exist in relationships, and I am intentionally giving a very expanded definition. Clinically, the term trauma bond was coined years ago, though I forget the exact name of the person who introduced it. Typically, it refers to a relationship involving abuse, usually active physical or sexual abuse, and a felt connection or commitment within that relationship. This mirrors my own expansion of definitions, such as trauma, to categorize many other versions of trauma bond patterning and breaking cycles within relationships. Simply put, it’s the relational pattern many of us learned in early childhood, which was adaptive then and becomes a predictive home base for us.

A trauma bond applies to many of us, encompassing dysfunctional habits, particularly around emotions and how we navigate them in relationships. These habits, once adaptive or protective, can be repeated but are not unchangeable. To answer a common question: Can you change a trauma bond? Yes, you can. When I began my relationship with Lai, it had a lot of trauma bond patterning. Through dedicated action on both our parts, we changed it. Trauma bonds, like attachment patterns, are not lifelong or terminal sentences. They can absolutely be changed.

What’s interesting is that these habits were once protective and can even be the foundation of why you get together with someone, making them harder to lose. So, how do you break that cycle when it feels like the trauma bond is the reason you came together? This touches on the concept of attraction, which often is based on familiarity. We are attracted to what is familiar, not necessarily what we consciously choose to create. By becoming aware of our early dynamics, we can discern whether we are attracted to familiarity or if we want to pursue a future with someone.

Intentionality and conscious awareness are crucial for this shift. Each partner must understand their dynamics and communicate the changes they want to make. This creates the opportunity to clarify if the attraction is based on familiarity and to work towards a future that benefits both partners. Another term that has gained attention recently is inner child.

=> 01:04:56

Understanding your inner child and breaking old patterns can help you create a future that truly works for you.

Intentionally choosing what empowers us involves intentionality and conscious awareness. This shift requires showing up and saying, "I'm understanding these dynamics about myself. These are the changes that I want to make. This is how I see us going together in the future." When we have the awareness and the communication, we can create the opportunity to get clearer. Even if we were attracted to something familiar, it doesn't mean it’s not workable. We can keep both of our best interests in mind and create a future that works for both of us.

Another practice that has gained mass attention recently is inner child work. It’s interesting because we are starting to gain language around how we have an inner child at all times, and many of our inner child's needs are unmet. We spend our adult life trying to fulfill those unmet inner child needs, but this can take us in many different directions and keep us lost. Understanding the concept of the inner child is crucial. The inner child represents the subconscious space of our mind that houses patterned ways of being created during our formative years. These patterns were adaptations to how our needs were met or unmet and how our self-expression was managed.

For many of us, these patterns are still beneath the surface, driving our reactivity. For example, moments of emotional reactivity, like feeling upset over dishes, can be traced back to unmet needs from our past. Recognizing that the inner child exists within us is the first shift. We need to explore how we are showing up in service of our needs. Is there space in our daily life and relationships to care for our physical self, emotions, and to give and receive support? Do we feel safe to be who we are?

If we are not feeling calm, grounded, and able to take care of our needs and share our emotions, then our inner child’s habits are likely at play. We need to become clear on these patterns and create space to break them. This involves shifting out of habitual ways of being and creating opportunities to show up newly. For many, this means learning a new relationship with our body, simplifying our sleep and nutritional habits, and managing stress better. By creating new habits that care for our nervous system, we can be more attuned to our emotions and better able to share them with others.

In the book, the seven conditioned selves are discussed: caretaker, overachiever, underachiever, rescuer, protector, life of the party, yes person, and hero worshipper. Many people continue to play these roles that made them feel safe, protected, and in control when they were younger. These roles can lead to success, accomplishment, adoration, fame, and wealth. However, playing these roles can become exhausting. Recognizing that these roles were taken on for survival, but do not necessarily reflect our true selves, is essential for personal growth and fulfillment.

=> 01:08:58

Many of us play roles from childhood to feel safe, but these roles can lead to success and yet leave us feeling unfulfilled.

I really resonated with the concept of the seven conditioned selves: caretaker, overachiever, underachiever, rescuer, protector, life of the party, yes person, and hero worshipper. I was thinking about this a lot because I found that many people naturally continue to play these roles. These roles, which allowed them to feel safe, protected, and in control when they were younger, are still being demonstrated today. Often, these roles can lead to becoming extremely successful, accomplished, adored, famous, and rich. However, people almost get exhausted from playing these roles or recognize that it was never truly them. It was the role they had to take on, not the one they wanted to be.

How does someone reconcile this? Whether they are externally successful or not, they may recognize that they have been playing a role, such as the Peacekeeper, the comedian, or the mediator, since they were young. They might realize they don't like or want to be in that role anymore. But now, not only has that role been protective for so long, how do they give it up? Who would they be without it? Can they construct another self?

You're beautifully giving language to the process of reconciliation. Once we become aware that there is a role we're playing, it can be very shame-relieving. For example, I identified with the overachiever role, validated by society for my achievements. I carried a ton of shame as I started to feel disconnected and unfulfilled with a life that was supposedly created to make me feel validated and happy. When I didn't immediately feel that way, I started to worry and wonder what was wrong with me. Without the language to zoom back and understand, it became clear that I didn't feel connected to my life because I wasn't authentically living it. I achieved many things in service of seeking my mom's attention and love, seeking a sense of worthiness in action. In reality, it didn't represent who I authentically was because I wasn't sharing my true self with anyone.

This awareness can be hugely shame-relieving, though it doesn't immediately shift us into the embodied self or authentic expression we want and need to create. We have to break the habit of being this person, playing this role, and wearing this mask. We need to create a new habit of showing up in our authenticity, which can be very destabilizing. We've wrapped these identities around ourselves, some of us even priding ourselves on them, creating whole lives around these identities that we now question. We might feel shameful because we're older and should know who we are and what we want, which can feel overwhelming.

We might need to shed some of the actual identity in service of how we are showing up now, making strategically new choices. This shedding of identity means mourning and grieving the circumstances that created the need to play that role, the unmet needs, and the aspects of ourselves that were deemed unworthy of expression. It's about getting curious, questioning, creating space to grieve, and having the resilience to make new choices. This process is still governed by our body because we will be challenging others' perceptions of us and the dynamics that have been validated over time. The stress created in all the systems outside of us can make us feel overwhelmed, leading us back to old habits.

Everyone, the book is called "How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships" by Dr. Nicole LePera, the holistic psychologist on Instagram. If you don't follow her already, I highly recommend it. Dr. Nicole, thank you so much for giving us a master class on this topic. We've only dived into 1% of what's inside the book, and there's so much more to explore. I'm very grateful that you included my testimonial on the back, which I felt deeply in my heart to share with you. Thank you for everything you've shared today and for going with me on so many different pathways.

Nicole, is there anything I didn't ask you that you'd love to share or anything on your heart right now that you feel compelled to share with the community?

I appreciate you asking and your support. I appreciated the opportunity to delve into many aspects of my own journey in this conversation. I hope it was of service to everyone out there listening. Thank you all for tuning in.

If you loved this episode, you'll love my interview with Dr. Gabor Maté on understanding your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past. Everything in nature grows only where it's soft, green, and vulnerable, not where it's hard and thick.